Clementina

I think it really depends on the friendship. Some friends are true friends, some are more like "party friends" who fade away when the party ends.

I've had to let go of a lot of "party friends" over the years. It's so easy to mistake party friends for true friends. And so painful when someone who seemed to be a true friend fades from your life. When I really think about it, I still miss some of the people I used to spend my time with.

The truth is that over the years, these people faded away anyway. They naturally weed themselves out. Even before I quit drinking. That's the thing about party friends. When life circumstances change, or if someone moves or whatever, it's over. At this point in my life, I've lost so many "party friends" that I'm just happy to have a select few close friends in my life. That's all I want.

I now know who my real friends are because they are way more than just drinking buddies. I used to "party" with them, but we have always shared so much more than that. I'm overly picky about who I'll let get close to me. But once I've vetted someone, if I let them in, I REALLY let them in. Which inevitably means letting them know the sober me very well and vice-versa, so that alcohol is only a fraction of what we share. It's not the base; it's not even the icing on the cake; it's maybe the sprinkles. These are friends I could turn to at 3 am when **** hits the fan, who would open their homes to me if I need a place to stay, who would (and still do) call and ask how I'm doing (and not if I want to drink.) People who are genuinely happy for me that I stopped drinking-- and proud of me. And unfazed, like it doesn't even matter. My one friend just sent me an article about Moderation Management, which was really sweet even if she doesn't get that it wouldn't work for me. I've been able to safely spend time with these friends while they're drinking, and not drink. They drink less when I'm around, and don't offer it to me. Alcohol doesn't have to be a friendship dealbreaker if there's quality there.

I can tell who my real friends are by how they react to me quitting drinking. If someone tries to convince me to have "just one," I know they're not a real friend.

It's fun to hang out where alcohol isn't involved, or isn't the only activity. That's one of my newfound keys to keeping my friends and staying sober. Having/making lunch or dinner, going running or hiking or swimming, watching a movie, having an art party (painting, drawing, etc.) There are so many things you can do!

Do you feel like any of these people were/are in any way more than just "party friends" to you? Would it be worth trying to enjoy a different activity together? Or are you better off just letting go?

Waterfalls2014

Thanks everyone for the insight.

AcceptingChange, thanks I will check out that author as well

Clementina, I'm most hurt by my best friend of 30 plus years. She no longer wants to do anything with me. We've had a rocky relationship the past 7 years or so but I'm starting to think the friendship is completely over. I've got things to work on and bridges to mend with her but at the same time I guess I just miss her.

I guess time will tell what happens from here.

360shoes

I guess that's was one of the only benefits of being the only drinker in my circle of friends. I drank them under the table every time. So when I quit they were pretty much saying...about time.

I'm surprised they put up with me.

This may depend upon how old you are but I've found as I have gotten older I only need 1 or 2 really good friends. When I was younger I had tons but now that I have a long history with just a few....it's plenty. You can always find people to just do stuff with. I hope you have 1 good friend you can talk to and just be with. Start there if you can.

IWillWin

Add me to the list of folks who lost "friends" ... although I still stay in contact with some it is, for the most part, just out of loyalty than anything else.

Being sober is a seismic shift in my life and my personality has changed too. The people who I find no common ground with are those who I spent my seriously active drinking years with. Granted, those were some of the best times of my life, but also some of the worst. Getting sober has allowed me to get back to being me - and it turns out that "me" is not the same person these folks met. The "me" that I have rediscovered doesn't like most of the things the drunk me liked and even now have a serious disdain for. The "me" I am now (again) is the me who loves movies, books, being alone and basically a homebody. My friends from my drinking life are kept at an arm's length now - and they even avoid me when they are binging. I've never been preachy or judgmental but as we all know, people who are active alcoholics never like to talk to us who have recovered because it makes them look in the mirror.

This post is kind of all over the place but the bottom line is I have chosen to live sober, and if that means that I do it alone then so be it. I'd rather be sober and friendless then surrounded by people who can't get through a week without an all out bender.

Clementina

Waterfalls, I'm sorry, that must hurt so much Maybe in time things will cool down. Someone once told me, we always miss those we were close to. I hope you and your friend work it out.