Waterfalls2014

Since I've tried to change my life I've noticed my "true friends" haven't been there for me. It seems they just liked me for being the party girl. Or the opposite, they don't believe I'm serious about my sobriety.

It hurts but I understand I have some bridges to mend and I'll do that in time.

But the feeling of abandonment is taking over right now. Was I really that horrible to be around. How can you just close people out.

Are my feelings normal?

Tiptree

Yes your feelings are normal. There will be many feelings like this that you can learn from if you don't let yourself get ruled by them.Things will shake out over time and you will gain more clarity. It is still very early in your recovery. If you stay committed to your sobriety it will get better.

lillyknitting

Totally normal. I've been through exactly what your going through now. They are not true friends. They are pub friends, they are party friends. I hardly hear from any of the pub mates nowadays. They know I'm not interested in the pub so they don't bother with me, unless it's a birthday & everyone is going to dinner then I gladly go along. It's a night of entertainment for me watching them getting louder & louder & more & more drunk, then they go off to the local late night hostelry to get more. I go home. I love it. I love being sober & waking up feeling good. X

wpainterw

i once had friends like these. Because I was drinking I did not realize, or did not want to realize, that they were often laughing at me behind my back. Getting sober and staying sober is an enormous change, change of friends, change of so called "life style", lots of other stuff. It's tough. Not every one makes it. But the road leads upward, towards the sunshine and happiness. Not downward to utter misery. Your AV will try to convince you that without booze and other stuff, life is "boring", "flat". It's lying its head off, just to get you to bring back the booze.

W.

desypete

have you thought about just going out for a night out with your friends to the movies or something that doesn't involve drinking situations ?

maybe your friends dont know what to do to help you so or there thinking about you and your drink problem by not asking you to go out with them ?

its all to easy to say there not your real friends because they dont hang out with you but is that the honest truth ?

they just might not know what to do to help you and when people dont know what to do they normally do nothing as they might make things worse

think about it if one of your friends was not drinking any more and you was going out for a party or something would you think to invite them along ? or would you think there better off out of it ?

VeggieChick

All of my "friends" are just people I drank with. I didn't know any of them as a sober person. They are actually strangers.

It's lonely. But it's a cleansing process.

Verte

Yes, your feelings are normal. I realized that alcohol was intertwined somehow in every relationship in my life...everywhere. Gasp! So many realizations were genuinely surprising. Like, 'where the heck have I been in my own life? Wasn't I present enough to realize this sooner?' So glad that I did finally realize this. Sheesh.

The changes you are making are lasting and good. Many new good things will grow from these adjustments. Nice job...it takes guts.

Dee74

It was normal for me. I found out that my 'true friends' were really just drinking buddies.
That hurts - but it opened up room for lots of friends - old and new to fill

Give it a little time. You'll work out who sober you is and you'll find friends - people who like you for you...not for how you drink - I promise

D

MythOfSisyphus

It's not so much that things have "changed" as you now have a truer picture of how things really are! Please, don't waste your angst on the loss of "frenemies" that were only tied to you through your mutual disease of addiction. Over time you will meet new people and develop genuine friendships not based on a sickness.

PurpleKnight

I lost many people from my life when I got Sober, it was because the one thing that we had in common, which was alcohol had disappeared.

But I always think if I had a real crisis in my life what sort of calibre of friend would I like to have by my side? and I come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be those that either broke off contact as I didn't now drink or those that I didn't really have something more with other than alcohol.

Sobriety opens doors to a lot of new opportunities, this can be one of them!!

Hawkeye13

I also lost essentially all of my friends when I quit.

I just don't like being around drunks.
It's amazing I found it so much fun for so many years.

Oh well, live and learn. . . I'm slowly building a more positive circle of people
around me but I work a lot, am almost fifty, and live in the country so it isn't easy.

I have become very good friends with myself, and I spend lots of quality time
with my dogs and in Nature.

AcceptingChange

This happened to me too. It was very disheartening, because i interpreted it as rejection. But then i read a book about a guy's experience with getting sober. He said he would hang out with the same people for about a year. He'd go to this bar and sit with them and drink and watch tv. 8 months after getting sober he went back. The same guys were there doing the same thingHe approached them and started talking to them, but they didn't remember his name or him at all.
I found drinking useful when i was younger because it removed my self-consciousness, and i found that people would laugh and interact with me easier if i wasn't so quiet. But it didn't really work, because it didn't cement long term friendships. Those party pals don't call anymore.
Nowdays, i join 'meetup' groups of hikers and readers, and i took an improv comedy class. i'm meeting people, getting to know them, they're getting to know me, and we usually go home around 8 or 9pm. I feel like i did before i started using alcohol to ease my social anxiety. I'll grow more comfortable with it over time, but i'm still a bit wobbly on my legs. But i know that going back to that drug alcohol will not only remove my social anxiety, but my giveaphuk attitude about life in general, so it's like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
Join some groups, go to the museums and zoos and don't wait until you feel like it. Please don't give up.

LadyBlue0527

All great answers and insight. This was really one of the hardest parts of sobriety for me. To find out that the only common thread that I had with people who I thought were closest to me was the alcohol. I was angry at first and then thought about friends that were sober and the fact that I never hung out with them when I was drinking. Not that I didn't care about them but I really had no use for them as far as hanging out because they were buzz kills. So horrible to read what I just wrote but also honest.

The only prerequisite for a friend previously is that they had to like to drink. If they really liked to drink a lot, even better! The more you surround yourself with people like that the less you have to really look at your problem because it's just ok. Fully accepted.

Life certainly changes in so many ways when you get sober. I just discussed the negative now for the positive. When you start to meet people and find a new circle of friends you know that you're hanging out with someone who truly wants your company. When your phone rings and you answer it and hear "So, what's up?" or "How are you?" you know that the questions are real and not just "Are ya ready to tie one on with me?"

The result is friendships that are genuine and healthy.

It hurts to lose people but what you gain on the other end is real.

Tonymblue

Normal. Just like alcohol youll have to give up some friends as well. I know i did. They were just drinking buddies. Im better for it now.

SoberHoopsFan

I've let go of a lot of "drinking friends" as well. Fact is, many of them were fed up with me too and towards the end, most of my drinking was solo. I don't need them back in my life. I'd rather be sober with a few true friends than drunk with more "drinking friends." I'm making more new friends now in sobriety and I'm no longer going to take advantage of people like I always did in the past. I'll be a better friend to the people who get to know me now.

mfanch

Totally normal. Happened to me, too. I have almost none of those friends left. In sobriety, I know have a host of REAL friends. They actually call me and ask how I'm doing. Go figure.

EndGameNYC

If the people I was drinking with were my friends, why don't I miss them?

anchorhold

We all are all grappling with this -- I think especially now, that in retrospect, my friends have all looked to one another and me as enabling buddies to hang out with to justify their drinking habits. A glass of wine or two with lunch, the TGIF beers, many drinks together at parties, the wine 'n cheese book club nights, the "girls nights out", the "tupperware" type gatherings and wine paring dinner parties. It is sad for me to think I can't remember one event with my friends and neighbours in the last 25 years where alcohol didn't play a role - not one.

I too will be finding it difficult to spend time with these people going forward until my AV diminishes enough to allow me to enjoy their company without being tempted. However, I know the benefits outweigh the negatives so will continue look to you all for support as I have over my first two weeks of sobriety.
>AH

pumpkinny

Waterfalls, I'm going through the same thing now. Second sober Saturday, trying to figure out what I'll do that, alone. Le sigh.

AcceptingChange

what great answers to the problem. Another thing i noticed is that the problem "have friends" or "i'm lonely & bored" is really not solved by hanging out with drinkers & consuming with them. Because when you leave, you know deep down that they aren't your friends, they are just other people at the crack house (except its alcohol). They are focused on getting their buzz on. Because when you think back, did they know about the major milestones in your life, like deaths or illnesses in your family, you putting a lot of time into getting an apt/house, your feelings about your job, you trying to get a car. A lot of them don't really know you deeply. They just know you're fun when they are drinking, and that's part of the glow they are looking for. But when you need to care for yourself and put effort into that, they vanish like the alcohol vapors of yesterday.
Another thing is that we have all proved that the path of alcohol doesn't work as a solution. It's a fantasy, a delusion. My mom & my uncle both kept drinking until their last days, and both of them felt alone in the world, even with children & siblings who truly loved them. So alcohol messes with our brains and keeps us depressed. We cant keep up that behavior, it doesn't work. And it won't make us feel happier, its the wrong approach. Feeling "connected" to others and learning to not feel lonely is something that has to happen from within. We used to attack the problem from within by ingesting alcohol, which directly affects our brain. But that's just temporary, like aspirin for back pain. If it worked, i'd do it. I'm not against alcohol per se, but i know now that it doesn't work.
I read the author Pema Chodron, and she shows me how to live with and experience my feelings of aloneness and my feelings that nobody cares, and i learn how to analyze my feelings and not react to them instinctually.

So Windfall, you can see your not alone, that many of us have experienced the same thing. And i can tell you that if you put effort into it, you can learn to accept and live with those feelings, even if they do stick around, though for some people the feelings go away altogether.