PJC

Hi everyone...I have been in a relationship with a 51 yo man for around 12 months. We do not live together. He drinks around a bottle of red at least a night. Sometimes he gets tipsy and on a whole is quite calm and happy when he drinks. It is when he is not drinking that is the problem. Very early into the relationship there were some real warning signs for me to run. I once dropped his mobile and broke the glass and he went ballistic. There was a time that we were driving in his car and he asked if we had a future and I said I didn't know he got really mad and sped the car up and saw in the rear view mirror that there was a speed camera and then got worse as he said he would loose his license because of me. There have been other incidents even far worse then these. We broke up twice after two bad performances one being that he went off because I cried of which he kicked the car fence etc. When he looses his temper like this afterwards he becomes very calm. He broke off with me and after around 8 weeks he asked me to come back and stupid me did. We have been back together around 6 weeks and the other day he said he wanted space to think about where we are going. I am devastated. I cannot believe this from me as I had a violent alcoholic father and yes I have had many years of cancelling for my abandonment issues. This last time we went back together there were no angry outbursts. I cannot have an opinion and I think that is why he wanted space because he didn't like something I said. Please help me I so do not want to go back to him though do not trust myself not to. I am so sad and lonely and this is what drives me back to him as he is also a fun artistic and intriguing man.Also over the last few weeks he withdrew from me by not showing me much affection and not contacting me that often. I need to ask when we went back the second time there were not the same angry outbursts would he have been just trying to keep himself under control and eventually would have gone back to the same behaviour? He said he only acted that way as he was under stress (he was in financial trouble when I met him and I helped home get out of it)

Tonymblue

IMO. Get out now while he is withdrawing from you. Things like this dont get better.

Nuudawn

Sweetie..we can get "addicted" to people (especially the difficult ones) as easily as we can get to substance. Since you spent some times in counselling, I am sure you are aware you are re-creating "home" with this man (the one you experienced with violent, alcoholic dad). I do believe it is called the "repetition complusion". You are trying to healing your core wounding by "winning the love" of a similar man.

You need support. I would recommend the book "Co-dependent No More". I would seek out support from something like Al-anon or perhaps even Sex/Love Addiction anonymous. Re-entering therapy might also be a good idea.

PJC

Yes are correct Nuudawn about re-creating the home. I have been through this at counselling though I still have trouble to walk away (another problem with someone from an ex alcoholic father) I will go to Alanon this weekend. Hopefully with their support I can stay strong. I know he has problems I cannot fix so to stay I am just being stupid

Anna

You're not being stupid.

But, you are probably not making the best decision for yourself. Focus on you, feeling good about yourself and the rest will fall into place.

Raider

Run. Run now as fast as you can. Get away now.

That's what I think.....

Straightshoot

Sounds like an abusive person to me, I agree, get away from him.