Marriage in Jeopardy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5
I'm hesitant of the AA route for a couple of reasons. First, I'm quite a shy and private person. It's not easy for me to open up on such a personal topic while face to face with a bunch of strangers. Heck, the only person I've truly done that with ever is my wife. Also, I'm not sure how receptive I will be to the spiritual aspect of the meetings. I'm not nor have ever been a religious person, though it is my understanding that this is not a prerequisite for AA. In any event, my back's against the wall here, there needs to be a change. I've been looking up AA meetings locally and will plan to go to one this Saturday morning. I feel nervous and anxious about going, but I will go.
Also, because my drinking has progressed to a worsened state not long after our marriage started, my wife feels that I'm drinking to escape her or she is the impetus for this behavior. I know this is not the truth, but it is hard for me to refute. I love her very much and couldn't imagine being without her. I know I've had a history of binge drinking before I met her, but potentially shortly after we met, I was able to curtail my drinking in effort to not let her witness this side of me. Perhaps after some time had passed in the relationship, I put less effort in masking the wreckless drinking, and then it just progressed from there. Putting this into words and reading it is hard for me to do. All of this time I was just lying to both myself and her. I didn't realize it at the time but it's abundantly clear now.
Finally, my wife hasn't yet confirmed that I even get this last opportunity to change. I couldn't blame her if she decided to leave for good. This fact really scares me.
Also, because my drinking has progressed to a worsened state not long after our marriage started, my wife feels that I'm drinking to escape her or she is the impetus for this behavior. I know this is not the truth, but it is hard for me to refute. I love her very much and couldn't imagine being without her. I know I've had a history of binge drinking before I met her, but potentially shortly after we met, I was able to curtail my drinking in effort to not let her witness this side of me. Perhaps after some time had passed in the relationship, I put less effort in masking the wreckless drinking, and then it just progressed from there. Putting this into words and reading it is hard for me to do. All of this time I was just lying to both myself and her. I didn't realize it at the time but it's abundantly clear now.
Finally, my wife hasn't yet confirmed that I even get this last opportunity to change. I couldn't blame her if she decided to leave for good. This fact really scares me.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Glad to hear you are planning on going to an AA meeting, now follow through (and you don't have to wait for Saturday).
At your first meeting you don't have to open up and bare your soul. I would strongly recommend that when the chair of the meeting asks if anybody is here for their first meeting, you just raise your hand and say "Hi, I'm Mike (or whatever). That's it, you don't have to say another word.
What will then happen is that the chair will make it a "newcomers" meeting where others will share what it was like for them when they first walked through the doors of an AA meeting. You just get to sit back and listen for an hour. It may be a very powerful experience for you. You may laugh, you may cry, and the at the end you may feel a powerful sense of relief that these people and AA might actually help you get and stay sober. Give it a try.
At your first meeting you don't have to open up and bare your soul. I would strongly recommend that when the chair of the meeting asks if anybody is here for their first meeting, you just raise your hand and say "Hi, I'm Mike (or whatever). That's it, you don't have to say another word.
What will then happen is that the chair will make it a "newcomers" meeting where others will share what it was like for them when they first walked through the doors of an AA meeting. You just get to sit back and listen for an hour. It may be a very powerful experience for you. You may laugh, you may cry, and the at the end you may feel a powerful sense of relief that these people and AA might actually help you get and stay sober. Give it a try.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: virgin islands
Posts: 145
"but potentially shortly after we met, I was able to curtail my drinking in effort to not let her witness this side of me"...
I could have written those words. It took about 3 years after we met and I had changed my life for the better, for my drinking to start back along the path to depression and regret. And 10 years before I realized I had no option but to quit. Don't wait that long, but do this for yourself.
"... I'm quite a shy and private person. It's not easy for me to open up on such a personal topic while face to face with a bunch of strangers..."
We all start that way, which is not a bad thing. One of the things often told to newcomers to AA is to take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. You don't need to talk about yourself at first, it helps just to listen. AA is an open supportive environment where people can get help in sobriety. Listening is the beginning.
This may sound unbelievable, but after some time in the rooms you begin to realize you are among like-souls. You learn that its a safe environment to open up and be honest, not just with others, but with yourself! I've seen folks come in who are obviously shy and reserved. The conducive environment allows folks to open up at their own pace. One person I observed at first always seemed withdrawn and looked pretty stoic. He 'passed' every time for a long time, or only said a few words - a real tough bugger. Many months later he came out of his shell and now smiles and laughs at every meeting. He's even chairing meetings! That's recovery in action.
And, don't be concerned with the 'spiritual aspect' of the program at first. It distills down to a bunch of drunks sharing their experience, strength, and hope. In the 'how it works' section of the big book it even states that the steps are a 'suggested' program of recovery, as is getting a sponsor. Before you discount the benefits, or get caught up in reasons not to attend, just give it a try. Then come back here and tell us how things went. Every one of us wants to see each other succeed in sobriety.
Good luck.
I could have written those words. It took about 3 years after we met and I had changed my life for the better, for my drinking to start back along the path to depression and regret. And 10 years before I realized I had no option but to quit. Don't wait that long, but do this for yourself.
"... I'm quite a shy and private person. It's not easy for me to open up on such a personal topic while face to face with a bunch of strangers..."
We all start that way, which is not a bad thing. One of the things often told to newcomers to AA is to take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. You don't need to talk about yourself at first, it helps just to listen. AA is an open supportive environment where people can get help in sobriety. Listening is the beginning.
This may sound unbelievable, but after some time in the rooms you begin to realize you are among like-souls. You learn that its a safe environment to open up and be honest, not just with others, but with yourself! I've seen folks come in who are obviously shy and reserved. The conducive environment allows folks to open up at their own pace. One person I observed at first always seemed withdrawn and looked pretty stoic. He 'passed' every time for a long time, or only said a few words - a real tough bugger. Many months later he came out of his shell and now smiles and laughs at every meeting. He's even chairing meetings! That's recovery in action.
And, don't be concerned with the 'spiritual aspect' of the program at first. It distills down to a bunch of drunks sharing their experience, strength, and hope. In the 'how it works' section of the big book it even states that the steps are a 'suggested' program of recovery, as is getting a sponsor. Before you discount the benefits, or get caught up in reasons not to attend, just give it a try. Then come back here and tell us how things went. Every one of us wants to see each other succeed in sobriety.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by forchange 
I'm hesitant of the AA route for a couple of reasons. First, I'm quite a shy and private person. It's not easy for me to open up on such a personal topic while face to face with a bunch of strangers. Heck, the only person I've truly done that with ever is my wife. Also, I'm not sure how receptive I will be to the spiritual aspect of the meetings. I'm not nor have ever been a religious person, though it is my understanding that this is not a prerequisite for AA. In any event, my back's against the wall here, there needs to be a change. I've been looking up AA meetings locally and will plan to go to one this Saturday morning. I feel nervous and anxious about going, but I will go.
Also, because my drinking has progressed to a worsened state not long after our marriage started, my wife feels that I'm drinking to escape her or she is the impetus for this behavior. I know this is not the truth, but it is hard for me to refute. I love her very much and couldn't imagine being without her. I know I've had a history of binge drinking before I met her, but potentially shortly after we met, I was able to curtail my drinking in effort to not let her witness this side of me. Perhaps after some time had passed in the relationship, I put less effort in masking the wreckless drinking, and then it just progressed from there. Putting this into words and reading it is hard for me to do. All of this time I was just lying to both myself and her. I didn't realize it at the time but it's abundantly clear now.
Finally, my wife hasn't yet confirmed that I even get this last opportunity to change. I couldn't blame her if she decided to leave for good. This fact really scares me.
Also, because my drinking has progressed to a worsened state not long after our marriage started, my wife feels that I'm drinking to escape her or she is the impetus for this behavior. I know this is not the truth, but it is hard for me to refute. I love her very much and couldn't imagine being without her. I know I've had a history of binge drinking before I met her, but potentially shortly after we met, I was able to curtail my drinking in effort to not let her witness this side of me. Perhaps after some time had passed in the relationship, I put less effort in masking the wreckless drinking, and then it just progressed from there. Putting this into words and reading it is hard for me to do. All of this time I was just lying to both myself and her. I didn't realize it at the time but it's abundantly clear now.
Finally, my wife hasn't yet confirmed that I even get this last opportunity to change. I couldn't blame her if she decided to leave for good. This fact really scares me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 888
After I started going to AA my wife started going to Alanon, it's for spouses, parents and children of alcoholics and it's really helped her better understand the disease. When I went to my first meeting there was a sign on the door that read, "Welcome Home"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 41
Agree! Quitting in your 30's would be GREAT! In my 30's I started a high powered job with Microsoft that demanded I travel a lot. I knew I had a drinking problem when I started drinking alone in the hotel rooms via room service. My Dad always said "never drink alone". As the job and promotions increased, so did my drinking to alleviate the stress, weekends in particular.
Best of luck to you in your recovery -- if you love her enough, you will, but love yourself first.
>AH
Best of luck to you in your recovery -- if you love her enough, you will, but love yourself first.
>AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5
One thing's for certain - I was not able to handle this problem on my own. I thought I could, time after time, after time. I 100% believed I could straighten myself out but I was 100% wrong. I should have come to this conclusion much sooner.
I finally realize I need some help with this. That's what brought me to this forum, as well as my decision to attend my first AA meeting later this week. I can't fail this time. I'll let you know how the first meeting goes.
I finally realize I need some help with this. That's what brought me to this forum, as well as my decision to attend my first AA meeting later this week. I can't fail this time. I'll let you know how the first meeting goes.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by forchange
One thing's for certain - I was not able to handle this problem on my own. I thought I could, time after time, after time. I 100% believed I could straighten myself out but I was 100% wrong. I should have come to this conclusion much sooner.
In the early weeks after booting alcohol I walked and listened to a lot of great music. One song and line in particular stands out after reading your experience - Ben Harper's, Amen, Omen, ..."It started as a whisper and slowly turned into a scream. Searching for an answer where the question is unseen...". Take a listen in the context of where you are today
You're doing great things for your life. Way to go. Try not to give the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda's any space in your head right now.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi forchange...I tried to remove the song title after listening to it and realizing that it might not be helpful right now. Sorry could not edit. Please disregard the song suggestion even though it is a great album. Apologies.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Hi Forchange,
Welcome!
Lots of what you said sounds very familiar to me.
I found myself having to constantly adjust my values to accommodate my boozing. 'It isn't every day' became 'I've never lost a job through it' which became 'my marriage is still strong' etc etc. Eventually, having passed these and countless other milestones, there was very little wriggle room and something had to change! Thankfully, I managed to stop and to recover much of what had been lost.
Sounds like you are addressing your boozing at a relatively early stage. Good on you.
SR is full of people who 'get it' and who will speak truthfully to you. Best possible place to start.
Good luck to you.
Max
Welcome!
Lots of what you said sounds very familiar to me.
I found myself having to constantly adjust my values to accommodate my boozing. 'It isn't every day' became 'I've never lost a job through it' which became 'my marriage is still strong' etc etc. Eventually, having passed these and countless other milestones, there was very little wriggle room and something had to change! Thankfully, I managed to stop and to recover much of what had been lost.
Sounds like you are addressing your boozing at a relatively early stage. Good on you.
SR is full of people who 'get it' and who will speak truthfully to you. Best possible place to start.
Good luck to you.
Max
Last edited by sobermax; 07-23-2014 at 01:25 PM. Reason: correction
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Leland NC
Posts: 93
WOW! It was like you were writing my autobiography from ten yrs ago. Weekend binge drinking then. I was successful, good job, marriage was a bit rough at that point. I kept drinking. It led to an afair. But my wife fought for me. And I kept drinking even more often. Then I lost that good job (due to not being at work cause of a hangover) And I kept drinking now almost every day. My wife asked me to slow down so I said I would be sober 2 days a week. And I kept drinking. Eventually I was drinking 7 days a week. A gallon of vodka plus a couple cases of beer ever week. And I kept drinking. 90% of the time I was blackout drunk each night. Lost another good job. And I kept drinking. Why my wife stayed I can't tell you.
On 7/15 I drank my last beer. Today I have been sober for 8 days. I miss drinking! I spent 4-6 hours a night drinking. But when I don't have the first drink I know I won't have the rest of them.
I have had a bad day today and 2 weeks ago I would have already been on my way to over a fifth of vodka. NOT TODAY! I am not drinking today and I will be fine.
I can choose whether or not to drink the first one. I am in control of that. Once I have one my grip loosens, so I just don't have drink number one.
You can do it too. Many of us have. Do it for you.
On 7/15 I drank my last beer. Today I have been sober for 8 days. I miss drinking! I spent 4-6 hours a night drinking. But when I don't have the first drink I know I won't have the rest of them.
I have had a bad day today and 2 weeks ago I would have already been on my way to over a fifth of vodka. NOT TODAY! I am not drinking today and I will be fine.
I can choose whether or not to drink the first one. I am in control of that. Once I have one my grip loosens, so I just don't have drink number one.
You can do it too. Many of us have. Do it for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
I was not able to handle this problem on my own. I thought I could, time after time, after time. I 100% believed I could straighten myself out but I was 100% wrong. I should have come to this conclusion much sooner.
Denial is a powerful thing.
I realized I had a problem shortly after graduate school. I hid the extent of my drinking and tried to control it for the next 2 decades. That ultimately didn't work .
Denial is a powerful thing.
I realized I had a problem shortly after graduate school. I hid the extent of my drinking and tried to control it for the next 2 decades. That ultimately didn't work .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Hi forchange. I got sober for many reasons one of the most important was for my family. I made the decision I would never take another drink and that I would never change my mind. I used many methods, Rational Recovery probably helped most.
With all that said: perhaps start with AA. Your wife isn't going to believe what you say right now, why would she? She can see with her own eyes what you do. Attending meetings shows action. And being with other people struggling with addiction is helpful. Take what you need and leave the rest. And keep coming here for support and to help the next person with a hand up.
With all that said: perhaps start with AA. Your wife isn't going to believe what you say right now, why would she? She can see with her own eyes what you do. Attending meetings shows action. And being with other people struggling with addiction is helpful. Take what you need and leave the rest. And keep coming here for support and to help the next person with a hand up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5
Hey guys and girls. I went to my first AA meeting this past Saturday as planned. Overall, it seemed to be a pretty decent experience for me. I went with an open mind and was determined to be receptive to the whole experience. As expected, the whole religious/spiritual angle made me a little uneasy. At the end of the meeting when it was time for a final prayer, I'm sure those on each side of me noticed my clammy hands. Also, who wants to admit to powerlessness?
But, all of the people there seemed really nice and down to earth. Not like they were "recruiting" me or anything; a sense that I seemed to get from others new to AA going for their first time. It certainly is eye opening listening to some of their stories, listening to the depths they once sunk to, and now the recovery they have made. "Humbled" is the word I would use to best describe the group.
I'm not sure this is something I will go to week after week or month after month, but I will go next week and the following. I owe it to myself and my wife. As the poster above mentioned, I'm past the point where words will fix this, it's time for some action.
But, all of the people there seemed really nice and down to earth. Not like they were "recruiting" me or anything; a sense that I seemed to get from others new to AA going for their first time. It certainly is eye opening listening to some of their stories, listening to the depths they once sunk to, and now the recovery they have made. "Humbled" is the word I would use to best describe the group.
I'm not sure this is something I will go to week after week or month after month, but I will go next week and the following. I owe it to myself and my wife. As the poster above mentioned, I'm past the point where words will fix this, it's time for some action.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: virgin islands
Posts: 145
Sounds like you are on the right path. An open mind is a great start.
One good thing that you've noticed about AA is that it's about "attraction rather than promotion". No one is going to pressure you to be there. Glad you had a good experience.
One good thing that you've noticed about AA is that it's about "attraction rather than promotion". No one is going to pressure you to be there. Glad you had a good experience.
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