melki

This is heartbreaking. So sorry for what you're going through, Mezzuno. I have lost a very dear friend to cancer two years ago and the pain was unbearable at times. Your family is going through the pain of losing one daughter, don't make it two. This is really one of the situations where you have to take it one day, one hour, one painful minute at a time. Speak to your counselor and/or to your doctor. My doctor rarely prescribes sedatives, but I remember him saying that the only times he does is in when a patient is in acute grief. By no means am I giving medical advice or suggesting sedatives, but maybe discuss options with a professional to get through this time, when pain gets unbearable and you want to turn to alcohol? Of course ultimately it's better to avoid all mind-altering substances and it would be awful to get hooked on something else, so you'd have to be very mindful of that. Drinking will only cause you more grief and pain in the long run, I'm sure you understand that logically. I hope you find a way to grieve and get through this time. Take care of yourself the best you can and get as much support as you can. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your family. You owe it to the person inside who wants to be sober and alive, don't add her any more hurt. Lots of love and thoughts and prayers your way...

LoftyIdeals

Prayers for you and your family, Mizzuno. Its difficult to not want to drink when we are in situations we can't control or understand, but adding alcohol just makes it fuzzier in the end. I hope you will stay sober so you can make the best of, and remember fondly your moments with your sister, especially if this is her end of life.

Welcome back. I am a recent return as well.

ScottFromWI

Just a guess but have you been seeking any help for your grief or your own physical well being during this time? Dealing with anyting is harder when your drunk, but death even more so. Grief counseling may be available even through the hospital your sister is staying in - check into it. But the bottom line it none of it will work until you sober up - be strong for you and dump out what you have.

Mizzuno

I dont have any alcohol. Im not drunk this morning. Its my day one today. Yes, i was in counseling but the fees became an issue. I have to resume the counseling now that I am no longer drinking. I can afford it now. Oh, and my sister is not in the hospital. She is at home and that is why we are calling hospice.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you are seeking help. Even if she's home you could ask at the hospital or maybe even the hospice service - some of them have free resources for family and friends. And of course we are always here on SR if you need us.

jdooner

Welcome back...I wish it was under different circumstances but glad to see your back regardless. I have not read through all the responses yet...are you seeing a therapist?

Based on what I remember from your story there are layers of things that I can see how drinking would be an easy escape. It works until it does not work has been my experience. You are going to go through a range of emotions with your sister, still. Someone to work with daily or weekly I think would be of great help to deal with grief, emotional triggers and trauma and addiction too.

Good luck and welcome back.

Mizzuno

Layer after layer. Yes, its a lot. I think getting therapy a few times a week would be beneficial. Ill check the finances and see if we can make it work.

Weasel1966

Missed you Mizz.... You can do this but we all know you have to want it. I hope that you want it because there will always be some very good reasons to drink but the desire to not take that route has to be real for you.

Good to see you and proud you have stood up and decided to post through the pain. Always will be here to listen.

Ken

ClearLight

I'm glad and sad at the same time.
I'm glad to hear from you and sad that it couldn't be with better news.
I hope you find your way back to that sober life that you enjoyed so much.

Mizzuno

I do want it. I cant go on like this. Nobody deserves this. I feel so ashamed and overwhelmed.

Jeni26

Hello Mizz. I'm really pleased to see you back and posting.

What a terrible thing for you to have to go through. As I was reading your post I wondered how I would cope if it happened to me. And it struck me that I would want to make the very most of the time left with her. In years to come I would want to be able to look back on the whole dreadful experience with a clear conscience and say 'do ya know what? There was nothing more I could have done...'

At the moment my Dad is dying of cancer. Me and him have had a problematic relationship to say the least. When I was a kid he terrorised me and I wanted him dead. I used to fantasise about it. Now he's a sick frail old man attached to a drip and on oxygen. I've just got back from visiting him and I'm a bit numb emotionally. I know the emotions will kick in at some point. Not sure what they will be or when it will happen. But I won't feel regret. I'm sober and I'm supporting my Mum through this. And it feels the right thing to do.

I want to be free of any regret or guilt because they can change a person forever and they are are impossible to put right after the event.

Look for support in this hard time...therapy, grief counselling etc...and know we are all here for you. But drinking through it may delay the stages of grief and add another layer of regret on top.

Praying for you Mizz xx

hopeful4

I am so very sorry. You and your dear sister are in my prayers.

Sasha4

She has a right to a pain free, dignified death.
She has the right to decide how and where she dies.

She will be experiencing extreme pain and probably lots of anxiety.
Things like morphine can be used for breathlessness. Its not all used for pain.
The drugs will not kill her first.
I understand you are upset but I don't think you should go there. That is for your sister and her medics to discuss and plan how she wants to proceed.

In the UK, a lot of the strong opioids are only licensed to be used in terminal cancer.
Its the abuse of them by people without cancer that have given these drugs and this bad reputation and that is not fair.

Sorry to sound harsh but this is happening to your sister. If you find the news hard to cope with, how hard would you find the diagnosis if it was you?
Be there for her in the way you should be - as a loving sister.
As hard as it is, try not to judge or fall too far apart.

Sometimes just sitting in silence holding her hand for hours will be of comfort to her. Letting her sob and be angry and letting the professionals do what they are trained to do.

BobArctor

Good for you that you are working on your drinking problem without waiting for the grief to end first.

Mizzuno

Its not harsh. I unserstand that it is her right. At this moment she is not in pain and has said as much. She is using the meds as a mental escape. Its sad but true. I do not blame her for that nor do I think its my job to judge her. I may have sounded judgemental but i just found her in a very tricky and scary situation the other day due to overconsumption. It just may take her life. This is her right and i am accepting that. In the future she will be in pain. The doctor is even havinga hard time understanding her med consumption. So, ill just leave it at that. Its not fun and its all very ugly.

AZliving

Mizzuno - you are not alone. This past weekend I went to see my Sister that is also suffering from stage 4 cancer. I have been so sad. Can't sleep, and wishing I could DO something to help her. I want to drink badly. I am trying my best to stay sober. I want you to know I will keep you both in my prayers...and please say some for us too. Stay in touch.

biminiblue

I'm sorry for your sadness, Mizz.

I know in my area there are free grief support groups that are really helpful. I would think there are probably even cancer grief support groups.

I've found a lot of healing in the past in this way - it's so helpful to be around others who understand and there are usually grief counselors as mediators if they are hospital or hospice centered.

Please do look for something like this in your area.

((hugs))

ClearLight

Grief and pain and death - they hurt so much. I think you could fill a swimming pool with the tears I've cried.

I still hope you find your way back to the sober life you cherished.

Hevyn

I'm so glad to see you Mizz. Was wondering what was going on.

Heartfelt prayers for you to be comforted are going up. Also for your sister. I'm very happy you reached out to us - we all care and are going to be here for your journey back to sobriety, and a better life. You're going to rise up out of this.

alphaomega

((((((((((((((MIZZ))))))))))))))))

My heart is hurting with yours. I'm so sorry you are facing this incomprehensible pain.

Please stay close to us here so we can walk this journey with you. Holding your hand.

Lean on us.

XO AO