First Post. My story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Los Angeles, Cali
Posts: 7
First Post. My story.
I have been a heroin addict for 8 years now. I am 24 now and people will say that I am young and I have my whole life ahead of me but I don’t feel young. I feel as if I have lived 60 hellish years and I am ready for it to be over with.
Lately I have been thinking of the “what ifs”. We all have them, even normal people. I have always been a dreamer and a thinker but my thoughts would be about the “what if” future – not the past. My favorite place to go is near the Santa Monica Pier. I like to people watch and think about what I could have been. I like to read and write so maybe an author or a historian. Something other than a drug addict. A few of my good friends tell me that there’s no use in brooding about it – I can’t change anything. But it helps me to think about the “other” me. The one that didn’t make that stupid mistake all those years ago.
Anyways, I don’t think about that much anymore. Now I am starting to think about the past and it is infinitely more difficult to think about than my imaginary future.
If I could go back and change anything it wouldn’t be the first time I got high. It would be the catastrophic event that made me get high in the first place. For me, it wasn’t an accumulation of different things. I got bullied when I was younger and my family, especially my mom, is cold and distant. I grew up raising myself. But all those things put together wouldn’t have made me get high. I mean, I don’t know what would have happened to me but I like to think that I would have turned out okay. The event that happened was entirely my fault and my own stupidity and negligence. If I could go back, I would change that because even if I would have turned out a heroin addict, I wouldn’t have hurt my family and my mom wouldn’t have disowned me.
I ran away from home at 16. My mom didn’t exactly send out a search party. She knew where I was anyways, I still went to school sometimes. High school was kind of a blur. By that time I was an active heroin user. I became popular and made friends with kids who partied a lot. I remember going to parties and crashing on couches, sleeping in the park, sleeping in cars. Wherever I could go I would go.
I managed to graduate. Not with honors, of course, but barely passing. I think they just didn’t want me to come back. That’s when I started spiraling downwards. I didn’t have anything to hold me accountable. I didn’t have anywhere to be since school was over for good. I started living on the streets of LA. I surrounded myself with junkies, criminals, gangs… anyone and everyone that was up to no good. For two years I did a lot of things I am not proud of and witnessed a lot of things that I wish never happened. I saw a friend die of heroin – he had only been using for a year and a half – a whole two and a half years less than me. I started thinking about why him and not me? I guess some people’s bodies can’t handle it. It could be me next time.
Coming up on my third year on the streets, when I was about to turn 21, I recognized and put a name to the feeling that I was having during this era of my life. I felt as if I was in a war but instead of fighting for a cause or a purpose, I was fighting something within myself that really wasn’t worth fighting at all. On top of that, it left me exhausted and miserable. I spent so much time and energy rebelling against everything and everyone– I refused any help anyone ever cared to give me. I was fighting battles every day. Where am I going to sleep? How am I going to get high? How am I going to avoid running into so and so who wants to kill me?
I decided to get clean. I called my mom for the first time in 4 years. The only thing I have ever really asked her for: can you please pay for a decent rehab because I don’t want to detox alone. She did but she never visited me. We sometimes speak to each other but we have nothing much to say. I was clean for about a year… the best year of my life. I got my **** together. I was making money legally. I dropped all my street friends. I got a good girlfriend and I moved in with my best friend who has been like a brother to me since high school. We bonded back then because his life sucked almost as much as mine.
I can’t tell you why I decided to use again. But I did. I kept my life intact because I knew that when I decided to get sober again, I would want my life together and not in pieces. It’s pretty damn hard to be a functioning addict. You have to pretend to be chill when you’re not. You have to hide when you’re dopesick or when you’re high out of your mind. I did a pretty good job. Although everyone knows I am heroin addict, the people I care about don’t turn their backs on me. They even want to hang out with me. Because I decided that I did this to myself and although I can’t change what I am, I can manage to keep my issues to myself. I don’t want to inflict my wrath on anyone. I guess there’s no such thing as a “good” heroin addict or a “bad” one but if there was – I would consider myself a decent one. I don’t lie, steal, or cheat anymore. I already feel enough shame as it is but I don’t need to feel any guilt. I don’t want to be that guy that can’t be trusted. The only real thing in life that matters is the relationships you build and I don’t want to hurt the people that care about me.
So that’s how I have lived my life the last few years. In and out of sobriety. No matter how many times I have detoxed, I am still not an expert at it and I doubt I ever will be.
Here I am in the first week of sobriety for the millionth time. I am hoping to do things differently this time. I don’t have a plan but I am glad I found you guys.
Lately I have been thinking of the “what ifs”. We all have them, even normal people. I have always been a dreamer and a thinker but my thoughts would be about the “what if” future – not the past. My favorite place to go is near the Santa Monica Pier. I like to people watch and think about what I could have been. I like to read and write so maybe an author or a historian. Something other than a drug addict. A few of my good friends tell me that there’s no use in brooding about it – I can’t change anything. But it helps me to think about the “other” me. The one that didn’t make that stupid mistake all those years ago.
Anyways, I don’t think about that much anymore. Now I am starting to think about the past and it is infinitely more difficult to think about than my imaginary future.
If I could go back and change anything it wouldn’t be the first time I got high. It would be the catastrophic event that made me get high in the first place. For me, it wasn’t an accumulation of different things. I got bullied when I was younger and my family, especially my mom, is cold and distant. I grew up raising myself. But all those things put together wouldn’t have made me get high. I mean, I don’t know what would have happened to me but I like to think that I would have turned out okay. The event that happened was entirely my fault and my own stupidity and negligence. If I could go back, I would change that because even if I would have turned out a heroin addict, I wouldn’t have hurt my family and my mom wouldn’t have disowned me.
I ran away from home at 16. My mom didn’t exactly send out a search party. She knew where I was anyways, I still went to school sometimes. High school was kind of a blur. By that time I was an active heroin user. I became popular and made friends with kids who partied a lot. I remember going to parties and crashing on couches, sleeping in the park, sleeping in cars. Wherever I could go I would go.
I managed to graduate. Not with honors, of course, but barely passing. I think they just didn’t want me to come back. That’s when I started spiraling downwards. I didn’t have anything to hold me accountable. I didn’t have anywhere to be since school was over for good. I started living on the streets of LA. I surrounded myself with junkies, criminals, gangs… anyone and everyone that was up to no good. For two years I did a lot of things I am not proud of and witnessed a lot of things that I wish never happened. I saw a friend die of heroin – he had only been using for a year and a half – a whole two and a half years less than me. I started thinking about why him and not me? I guess some people’s bodies can’t handle it. It could be me next time.
Coming up on my third year on the streets, when I was about to turn 21, I recognized and put a name to the feeling that I was having during this era of my life. I felt as if I was in a war but instead of fighting for a cause or a purpose, I was fighting something within myself that really wasn’t worth fighting at all. On top of that, it left me exhausted and miserable. I spent so much time and energy rebelling against everything and everyone– I refused any help anyone ever cared to give me. I was fighting battles every day. Where am I going to sleep? How am I going to get high? How am I going to avoid running into so and so who wants to kill me?
I decided to get clean. I called my mom for the first time in 4 years. The only thing I have ever really asked her for: can you please pay for a decent rehab because I don’t want to detox alone. She did but she never visited me. We sometimes speak to each other but we have nothing much to say. I was clean for about a year… the best year of my life. I got my **** together. I was making money legally. I dropped all my street friends. I got a good girlfriend and I moved in with my best friend who has been like a brother to me since high school. We bonded back then because his life sucked almost as much as mine.
I can’t tell you why I decided to use again. But I did. I kept my life intact because I knew that when I decided to get sober again, I would want my life together and not in pieces. It’s pretty damn hard to be a functioning addict. You have to pretend to be chill when you’re not. You have to hide when you’re dopesick or when you’re high out of your mind. I did a pretty good job. Although everyone knows I am heroin addict, the people I care about don’t turn their backs on me. They even want to hang out with me. Because I decided that I did this to myself and although I can’t change what I am, I can manage to keep my issues to myself. I don’t want to inflict my wrath on anyone. I guess there’s no such thing as a “good” heroin addict or a “bad” one but if there was – I would consider myself a decent one. I don’t lie, steal, or cheat anymore. I already feel enough shame as it is but I don’t need to feel any guilt. I don’t want to be that guy that can’t be trusted. The only real thing in life that matters is the relationships you build and I don’t want to hurt the people that care about me.
So that’s how I have lived my life the last few years. In and out of sobriety. No matter how many times I have detoxed, I am still not an expert at it and I doubt I ever will be.
Here I am in the first week of sobriety for the millionth time. I am hoping to do things differently this time. I don’t have a plan but I am glad I found you guys.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Welcome, JboyK, to SR; glad you found this site.
Take it from someone over twice your age, you ARE young and can turn your life around. You will find an abundance of support, encouragement and understanding here.
Take it from someone over twice your age, you ARE young and can turn your life around. You will find an abundance of support, encouragement and understanding here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 375
I can tell you one thing... You can write!
I can tell you another thing... I can hear your desire to change and to have a new future. A future where you can use your skills and not waste them. You are so young....
I think you need a really good mentor/sponsor to inspire you and make you see the good in the world. Start to be a positive force in this world and help others. Good luck. Keep posting. Xx
I can tell you another thing... I can hear your desire to change and to have a new future. A future where you can use your skills and not waste them. You are so young....
I think you need a really good mentor/sponsor to inspire you and make you see the good in the world. Start to be a positive force in this world and help others. Good luck. Keep posting. Xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Clifton, CO
Posts: 20
Welcome JboyK24!!!!!!
You are very young, but I can see how you may feel that life has passed you by, that you aren't at the "right" point on the path that is your life. That is not true!! Start trying to accomplish some of those things you dream about, you can do it!
You are very young, but I can see how you may feel that life has passed you by, that you aren't at the "right" point on the path that is your life. That is not true!! Start trying to accomplish some of those things you dream about, you can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Los Angeles, Cali
Posts: 7
Everyone is asking me about a plan but honestly, I don't know where to begin. I feel like I have done it all and it hasn't worked for me.
I don't want to attend meetings and my last sponsor relapsed. I guess I am still trying to figure it out. I am just trying to keep my head above the water at this point.
I don't want to attend meetings and my last sponsor relapsed. I guess I am still trying to figure it out. I am just trying to keep my head above the water at this point.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Welcome!
It's up to you of course but don't shy away from help and support. Heck pull all the troops in if this can safe your life and the chance at a brilliant future.
You can do this, rooting for you ;-)
It's up to you of course but don't shy away from help and support. Heck pull all the troops in if this can safe your life and the chance at a brilliant future.
You can do this, rooting for you ;-)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Welcome! We're all in this together Jboy & we know how you feel.
It sounds like you're ready to lead a different kind of life. I drank forever, & when I finally stopped I was exhausted and so happy to be free of it. You can turn everything around and have a new start. Never give up reaching out for a happy and fulfilling life.
It sounds like you're ready to lead a different kind of life. I drank forever, & when I finally stopped I was exhausted and so happy to be free of it. You can turn everything around and have a new start. Never give up reaching out for a happy and fulfilling life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
