Leshar

Hello Nuudawn,

Thank you for starting this thread. Your questions and the responses have been so enlightening and timely for me, as I struggle with being sober and what it's all about.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but wanted to send you good wishes. Like my pal Croissant says, "Sober just is". That's all, the good, the bad and the ugly of it!
Stay strong, lovely girl!

lunar

I enjoy your posts. Great insight.
Thanks.

Aellyce

Hi Nuu,

I have been reading this website for a relatively long time, not as long as you, but I feel it's been long enough to see many stories. I missed your contributions, though, until recently. I just read your recent comments, and immediately felt a familiarity, if we can say that..

I've never had a relapse yet, I am just a textbook progressive alcoholic that decided to try to quit at some point before it took everything from me. For now. And I read and read and read the stories of people, much like myself, who have lost everything to alcohol. And I think, cry, and sometimes rage over the stories. Over Reality, because that's what it is.

I don't have any good advice to you... except saying that I enjoy your posts here and usually find good insight in them. I perhaps agree with others saying you might be a bit too hard on yourself right now... but I know where that comes from, I have the same problem (expecting too much from early recovery). Are you someone who usually wants to perform as best as you can in any of your role identifications? A perfectionist? If so, yeah..... but we really need to let that go to a certain extent at least in order to find a better road for ourselves.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg1jyL3cr60&feature=kp

Nuudawn

Thank you ALL so very, very much for your responses. I am so grateful for the beautiful hearts and wisdom in them. Although objectively I know, that one needs to reach out when they are struggling but I also realize it is easier said than done. If you are the sort like me who struggles with issues of emotional abandonment..and rejection...your kneejerk is to "suck it up"...pretend you're okay...trying to figure it out within (or in my case "google" crap like crazy in a futile effort to find control)...
Something tells me thats how and where alcoholism/addiction happens...in our need to solve it ourselves and not "bother" anyone in the process...not risk no one hearing us or getting us or helping us..

THAT does not happen on this website. Even in the arms of those who know...it can still be hard to just put the struggle out there...and ask for help. I know for me that when I do...even when a big part of me knows it's what I should do...
it triggers some sort of weird "shame" feeling...it's not what I would call pleasant... maybe it's shame for a vulnerability that some old wiring says "hey don't do that.... you can get hurt"..so I get this icky feeling...or just uncomfortable feeling when I do so...

But the amazing thing is...the amazing caring calvalry that comes to aid.
The objective part of me knows that is what is supposed to happen I guess...
But the emotional part of me is relieved to tears..grateful to tears..

Thank you. Thank you all for catching the ball and throwing it back so beautifully. I think that's how this is supposed to work.
And it feels pretty darn amazing when it does.
I'm better today....waaaaay better.

Aellyce

Glad to hear you are feeling better.

I have a reaction to this:
"in our need to solve it ourselves and not "bother" anyone in the process...not risk no one hearing us or getting us or helping us.."

This really resonates with me and my unhealthy states of mind. The illusion of independence and self-sufficiency... it worked for me, actually, until ~mid 30's. When it obviously stopped working was my alcohol addiction and severe depression. That was when and how I realized it was mostly an illusion and self defense mechanism wanting to always be "myself", alone. The illusion of control. And I do not have a serious history of rejection. Some defeat, but not really rejection especially after I turned 10, it was more the opposite for me (lots of acceptance). My therapist is very curious about this aspect of me, actually.

Ultimately, I think, we all need to find our own ways in life... out of addiction, into happiness, to one-another, all that. Support systems like SR (or others) help find, establish, and maintain these connections... but eventually I think it's all up to us, our choices, our methods, our honesty, our recovery.

I also think that vulnerability is one of the best features we humans can share with each-other... I've learned this in the hard way; often still not very easy with it, but I do believe in it at this point.

So, if you have had relapses, could you figure out what led you into them, mentally?

dSober

I'm glad you're aware of that one. Be careful about shame. Shame was a HUGE factor for me, keeping me drunk for a long time. I was very ashamed of myself for all the damage I had caused and drank to drown it. Yeah, that worked, lol.

Now, I'm proud to be a recovering alcoholic! I know I'm beating a horrible illness, with a lot of help. I hold my head up high and proudly display the AA ring I wear everywhere, everyday. It has already allowed me to help a couple people by using it as an ice breaker when I could see they needed help.

autumn2

I'm glad that you are doing better today. (((Hugs)))