Croissant

Hey Sweetie.....I hope you take this post as it's meant - as encouragement that you are moving forward.xx

Your posts do have wisdom on them, and sure we all probably feel like we are posturing at times....but sobriety is a daily event, where we have to show up.

I've had two slips / relapses since I stopped drinking in July last year....one was a dumb@$$ attempt at moderating...hey, Summer was coming, people were out drinking in the sunshine! Second was earlier this year - death in the family, my stepmum, who was a great drinking buddy back in the day - I guess it was a "last drinks" moment.

So, for me, the first block of sobriety was great, moved house, felt good, ate well, exercised. This sobriety thing is kinda neat, don't take the first drink!!!! Kind of approach. When I slipped in October - I can't be sure, but I think it was around the time you were not posting as much and I noticed I got the feeling from a few of your posts that you had this sobriety thing going on good and you really didn't need to be around here, because your sober life was cranking so well. Personally, because I'd admired your wisdom so much....I did feel a bit of a warning signal for you.....but hoped you'd be OK.

I guess all I can say fast forwarding to now is you can reach a deeper place of sobriety, and work past the fragile way we feel after a couple of wobbles. This last time scared me...."what if I'm truly effed and will NEVER get this right" ....

The first few weeks were like you describe... I felt like I had my sobriety "script", but had lost my rhythm....what if I really was doomed to drinking? What if I really didn't know that "secret" to unlocking long term sobriety?

I gave up my unsatisfying job, put boundaries up on people who were quite simply a drain on me (sounds harsh, but this is about us getting well, and I'm likely to pick scabs til they bleed!)....and have spent time getting to know ME. Uggggh what a journey. What upsets me, how long does it upset me, reading books to uplift me, turning the TV OFF and spending time nurturing ME. It's hard, but I have to tell you, I would spend at least 2 hours daily focused on journalling my thoughts, processing what I really feel, looking for healthy ways to cope, ie go for a walk, or even simply accepting what I can't change.

It's a time investment that I think is well worth it and much less exhausting to maintain than drinking!

And the other critical ingredient is being there for me. Fronting up, holding myself, comforting myself when I'm upset, not wishing for a ticket to numbness...but damn fighting for the good person I know I am and the life I deserve to have free from self loathing, lies, deception and most of all, feeling like nothing is ever going to get better.

You have the key, Honey, now open the door.xx

ScottFromWI

Remember that you are only at 24 days in Scintillady. Things aren't going to magically transform in just a few short weeks after abusing your body for that long. Regarding your comment that Antabuse is the only thing keeping you sober, that in itself is a fairly telling statement. Recovery isn't just about not drinking - its about learning to live and enjoy your life sober, and about how to deal with all the things we ran away from and hid from in a bottle. Have you considered any kind of treatment ( counseling, outpatient rehab, AA, AVRT, etc. )?

fini

Nuudawn,

sorry to hear of your helluva time. sounds dastardly (should i look this word up? do i really know what it means?? oops, diversion...)

nuudawn, i think i get what you mean about stale and things rolling off your tongue and feeling like posturing. happens to me too, and i've been sober quite a while now, so no time limit on that. but when it happens, and i feel it ( like you say you do) i can usually recognize it and then stop. erase the post. say nothing if it doesn't "feel real". i often want to "help", but if "real" isn't what's coming out of me, then it's often best (for me) to not post.
makes it difficult to engage at times, but i've noticed i just don't like myself when i post what's not real at the time.

so...uh...actually, just to say thank you to you for putting that out here.

All I do know is I have to find some authentic place in THIS sobriety...even if that authenticity is not happy, hopeful and wise.

At the very least...it has to be REAL.
Today I feel like I just have to put something out there...something new...something honest.

and..er...i think you've just done it, put something authentic out here. yes?
pink clouds feel good, sure, but speaking for myself, i got sober because i wanted "real". real me in real life. pink brown black blue green....it's okay.

hang in there. keep going.

Eddiebuckle

A few years ago I had an old timer say to me "the guy who got up earliest today has the most sobriety." I thought he was trying to make me feel less self conscious about the fact that he had more sober years than I had weeks. I felt clueless and fraudulent hanging around with these people who oozed sobriety. I now think I understand what he meant: your sobriety yesterday, last week, or the past decade are not a vaccination for your sobriety today.

And the reality is, no matter how bad this day may be, tomorrow the sun will rise again with new promise and challenges. Sooner or later, one of those sunrises will take your breath away... I guarantee it.

Trust the process, give it time. So long as you don't drink today, everything else will take care of itself in due course.

patricia68

I printed a message that Jada Pinkett Smith posted on Facebook a few weeks ago and I keep it right by my monitor. I think it sums up the story of a lot of us here:

A letter to a friend:

After many years of alcohol abuse you have celebrated 3 months clean. I've learned a lot from you during this process. I've learned that recovery isn't just for those suffering from substance abuse, but that recovery is about recovering from our traumas, abuse, neglect, abandonment, lack of self-worth, disappointments, failed relationships, the loss of loved ones and so on. There is not one person on this planet that is not recovering from something, and that the process of recovery is about regaining oneself from whatever it is that may have stolen us. Thank you for reminding me that...I am in constant recovery.

Hi...my name is Jada and I'm recovering from...life

Hope it helps. Be strong Nu <3

DisplacedGRITS

Hey Nuu! Ohmygosh, i can relate to you so much. I'm 79 days sober today and i'm just busting at the seams to hit the 3 month mark. I had 10 months about a year and a half ago and i'm so impatient to get there again. I want it and i want it now! *huffhuffhuffhuff*

What helps me is to make this time different. I'm not working the same program i worked back then. There is this amazing feeling of calm this time. I'm working on acceptance every day and it's helping me so much. I chaired a meeting today on acceptance today and i read from the Big Book. Bottom of page 416 through the middle of page 417. It was a great meeting, if i do say so myself.

I think that working harder at sobriety this time makes me feel better about it being a slow process. Sobriety isn't a race. There is no finish line. I got kicked off my pink cloud and i'm actually grateful for it. I feel like there is a lot more deep thinking and soul searching going on this time. There's more "ah-ha!" moments. I have clarity now, not just about not drinking but about not wanting to drink, in spite of difficulties. This go round is more raw, more gritty work. I'm building relationships and living deliberately, not floating through sobriety on a pink cloud. I may be slogging through the mud this time, but i have evidence of my path. Muddy footprints, grimy sweat and dirty clothes. The pink cloud was great but when it was gone, there was very little evidence of the path i was on. I had memories but nothing solid to lean on. No step work, no sponsor, no friends, no service commitments.

This time, it's a hard road but i've left my damn mark on it and i have true evidence of my work. Be diligent, live in the present, learn acceptance, seek serenity and work, work, work! Sooner than you think, you will find the path set before you, step by step and you will be able to see the footprints behind you on the path you've walked. Muddy, steady, deliberate footprints. Yours.

EndGameNYC

Hello my friend.

As you and some others here know, I relapsed for three years following twenty five years without a drink. I identify completely with what you describe you're now going through. I got sober the second time in spite of my desire to get back on my feet, continue drinking, and die as an active alcoholic. None of what I heard, read and saw about recovery meant anything to me this time; I was adrift and didn't care.

Wanting to get sober and then working on getting sober was extremely difficult for me the second time around. I went through the motions primarily because I was unemployed and unemployable, and I had nothing else to do. If something was going to change for me, it was going to have to happen without my cooperation or my active participation. After a time, I became increasingly miserable and decided to give myself over to sobriety. It sucked for a long time, and my first year back was anything but happy; it was unremarkable in every way besides my intractable unhappiness, my constant restlessness, and my despair.

Things began changing for the better, very slowly, and I knew the only way for me was to continue living, to say "yes" to a better life. I worked so hard to get to a better place with only a faint hope that doing so would ultimately pay off. And it has. I think that asking for help, committing ourselves to building a better life...these choices and the actions required to execute a plan that seems based almost entirely on faith, are transformational. By themselves, they can bring us to a better place, regardless of the outcome.

You'll sometimes hear people in AA say that it's much more difficult to get sober than it is to stay sober. This was true for me in spades, so much so that I didn't even want to give it another try. Because I worked so hard for it, and because I suffered dearly through early sobriety, my sobriety is much more valuable to me this time around.

Fallow

I can relate in a lot of ways Nu. I worry that my next relapse is inevitable. It has happened so many times. How can I talk recovery here or in a meeting when obviously what I 'know' does not work for the long haul.

I feel like Im just going through the motions. Not much excitement to speak of. No pink cloud. I have not forgotten all I learned through relapse but Im still unsure if that information will help me. I doubt it.

I cannot wait to get back the time I had, so I can feel I am moving forward. At the same time I feel I am headed for a big let down.

The worst part for me is that I know I do not have a choice. If I drink it will just be more of the same until it gets worse. Sobriety is pretty flat for me right now but Im out of alternatives.

Hopefully it will work out for us.

pupkin

Hey Nuudawn, very sorry, but empathetic and glad to read your post as always. For whatever it's worth I'm also finding it harder this time around, after a couple of extended periods followed by relapses, like you. In a way it makes sense, but it's still frustrating. Keep on doing what you're doing....

EndGameNYC

What I knew, or what I thought I knew, had nothing to do with achieving sobriety; it was all about what I allowed myself to believe.

Dee74

I never thought I could get sober either Fallow...until I did.

For me it was all about how much I really wanted to be sober over how much I wanted be a drinker.

I think you reach a point where you can no longer deny that you're one of those people who simply shouldn't drink.

I put 100% effort into being one of those people...and that effort paid off...and made all the difference

D

Verte

Hi Nuudawn,

Just want to give you (((HUGS))) and let you know that I appreciate you very much...in my very early sober state, this I can attest is true.

La-la land is where I am right now...no drama, less flair. Anyway. No words of wisdom for you. Just that I enjoy your company and the things that come out of your head and onto my computer screen...and it is so evident that in all your states at all your stages you have many friends - here wherever you find yourself.

GwenCummings

Hi there Nuudawn.

Long term sobriety is something we all aim for and feel rightly proud of. When we lose it our pride is dented (amongst all the other horrible consequence).

That sober time and experience is not lost. I think you need to switch your thinking around on this one.

In the last ------------ years I have spent ------------ days sober. In those days I have been kind to my body, my brain and those around me. My life will not magically start again when I pass an old milestone. It is happening now while I worry over this stuff.

I keep trying to tell myself that all this time I spend thinking about myself and whether I'm doing my sobriety right I could be thinking about others and getting on with the simple things in life.

You are very inspirational. You just can't see clearly because alcohol is a demon that haunts you and me still.

doggonecarl

BIG HUGS, Nuudawn.

Your post resonates with me. The difference being, you are in touch with you feelings now! I had to relapse to figure out why. Keep sharing.

Dee74

How are you today Nuu?

D

dSober

Yeah, I know the place; right next door to hell. I don't care for it much. I believe it was a lack of spiritualism (not religion mind you) that kept taking me back there. Maintaining contact with my recently discovered Higher Power seems to help keep me on the sunnier side of the street.

tomsteve

I was readin through yer post and the "inevitable " thing caught my attention.

IMO, information is good, but without action, I don't think it works too good.

you have a line from the BB at the bottom of your posts. it a good one for sure. heres a lil something after it:

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

do you have a sponsor to help you through the steps?

carlingford

Hang in there Nuudawn, just a wee phase you are going through thanks for the "stages of recovery" I'm just 19 days today (had a relapse before after 34 days for 2 days - nearly lost my job)was totally disgusted with myself, so relatively new to this sober business, its getting better bit by bit for me, don't be too hard on your self, just pick up the pieces again, for me I have to or I will die as I know if I start again that's it, "lights out"

Marcher13

Nuudawn sometimes this sober journey, especially in the mid-early stages, is a matter of gritting your teeth and trusting the outcome will be worth it. We change in recovery, we change mentally, physically and emotionally so our thinking and perceptions change. For a little while you might have to trust us when we say you don't sound stale even if you perceive it that way. Believe me, there is a sharp incisive mind in your head and I'm not alone in knowing that.

bigsombrero

I love this. This statement can be analyzed in some interesting ways.

1. You mention that you have to find something authentic. Wow, that's a lot of pressure you're putting on yourself here, Nuu. I wonder if you've always been kind of searching for something majestic in recovery - waiting for that "ah-ha!" moment. Perhaps you were checking your mailbox for that moment every day during your last run...but it never arrived. Maybe the disappointment that you felt in looking into that empty mailbox every day outweighed all the benefits of sobriety last time, and you just said "f*$k it" and went back to the bottle?

2. You mention that this moment needn't be happy, hopeful, and wise. Now you're talking! That's my philosophy too. In my case, I had three seizures and ended up in the ER twice. I almost died. Perhaps that makes it easier for people like me, because no matter how crappy life is in sobriety, at least I'm alive. In your case, I think you also know that if you keep drinking, life simply won't be manageable and/or livable. Change is tough - but it's much more dangerous for you to NOT make any changes here.

I think you sound really grounded. Don't pressure yourself too hard, would be my advice. If you have a crappy or boring or miserable day - don't blame it on sobriety. There's a whole lot of other crap going on in your head and there are tons of other outside factors. A miserable life in sobriety isn't sobriety's fault. Similarly, a happy life in sobriety isn't due to the fact that you're not drinking. It's all a process, and it takes TIME. Give yourself that time, and I think you'll find that "ah ha!" moment in the mailbox down the road, when you least expect it.