Tinzo

Hey everyone, I've posted on here a few times now. Been sober about five weeks now and feeling good most of the time other times irritable and stressed. The reason I am posting today is because I have a going away party of a good friend of mine that is going home to Canada and I do want to go and feel I should. What I'm asking for is advice on being in a situation where most people will be drinking and I will not be. It's more that common question "Why aren't you drinking ?" that I'm a bit anxious about rather than not drinking its self. Just don't feel like explaining my life story every time someone asks. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

LadyinBC

You don't owe anyone an explanation. I use to say I was on meds and couldn't drink while taking them.

Also my #1 piece of advice is to have a plan in place in case you have to leave ASAP if you feel like you are going to give in and drink. I don't go anywhere unless I have an exit.

I personally stayed away from any event or social situation that involved drinking in the beginning. I still don't go to parties or bars to this day.

No person, situation or event is more important than my sobriety. It is the way it has to be.

Edited to add: Congrats on 5 weeks .

Alkaline

I was also concerned about the explanation I'd have to make when not drinking at a social event.
I've found a good way to deal with this is to say, "I'll start with a water" when you're offered that first drink. After the first round everyone stops paying attention.

LadyinBC

Alkaline that is absolutely brilliant!

doggonecarl

After the event, please come back and tell us how many people actually asked, because I'd be surprised if it were more than one or two people who care or notice.

Other than that, good luck. Bail if you find the situation too uncomfortable.

nymets86

I'm not really one to talk as I'm on Day 9 of being sober and did have part of a drink over the weekend. But yeah, this last weekend I had two nights where I was in drinking situations. At one stop in a night including dinner and a comedy show, I was handed a beer and just took tiny sips until everyone was ready to leave, then I just left it on the table (normally I'd have been two or three deep then and agreed to finish off a friends beer). The next night, at every spot, I just ordered a club soda and then nobody really noticed anything. When someone asked if I wanted a beer, I just said I was dehydrated and needed the club soda first. That person then never again brought it up.

Anna

I also agree that you don't owe anyone an explanation as to what you're drinking.

Do you feel confident that you will get through this without drinking? If so, have a great time.

Climber122

Usually the only people who ask are people you know well enough to have noticed you used to be a heavy drinker, but that don't know you well enough to know you're sober now. Isn't it interesting that you probably wouldn't be as concerned if you were a vegetarian and you refused a steak? It's our addiction that makes this an "important" thing for us - to healthy, non-alcoholic drinkers they could care less what you drink. We are the ones that put this drug up on a pedestal as more important to our lives than it is. The only people who ever pressured me to drink when I got sober were casual "friends" who were themselves alcoholics and in need of someone to use with. Knowing this it was easy to turn them down. They drifted away since I was no longer a source of booze for them.

Enjoy the evening and I second the suggestion to have an "escape plan." In other words - don't ride there with anyone so that you can leave if you want, and keep the phone number handy of someone who is sober who will hold you accountable to your decision to stay sober.

Cowgirlie

Lol this reminds me if early pregnancy; 2 long months of keeping it secret!!
Designated driver, antibiotics, tummy bug, I'll get a drink in a minute, having bottles and just pretending to sip or having coke and saying its vodka & coke... Lots of fibs possible! But agree with earlier posts, you may not find much actual pressure/questions, and find a way to leave if you feel you need to. Well done on your progress so far x

carlingford

I also have a similar situation coming up, thanks Tinzo for posting the question and everyone who gave great reply's

firstymer

You may add these to the list of excuses you can use:

1. I am exercising more and trying to cut back on alcohol.
2. I am on a diet. Too many calories in alcohol.
3. I am training for a 10K or some other physical challenge.
4. I drank enough before this event.
5. I have been craving Diet Coke (or Ginger Ale, or whatever) lately.
6. I am driving
7. I am fighting a cold/flu bug/headache.
8. I can't drink on an empty stomach.

Good luck. Have fun.

ScottFromWI

I can probably count on one hand the number of times i've been asked "why aren't you drinking" in about a year and half of sobriety. It's one of the most common misconceptions that alcoholics have - that other people care if you are drinking or not. We obsess about it because we are addicted to it...but frankly, no one else cares. And the handful of times that I was asked, I just said no thanks and that was it.

Sure - if you went and hung out with your old drinking buddies at a bar they will ask you, but then again I don't ( and shouldn't ) be hanging out in a bar with old drinking buddies anymore.

But for the vast majority of social events ( weddings, family gatherings, etc ) no one even thinks twice. Just grab a soda or water and no one will even notice one way or the other.

FreeOwl

I have found really effective, simple results with just two things;

fancy fizzy water
"I'm giving my body a break" (with a smile) then move on to another topic...

"I'm giving my body a break (smile) how are Tom and the kids?"

"I'm giving my body a break (smile) hey, did you see that new movie ______"?

"I'm just giving my body a break (smile) - what have you been up to lately?"

the possibilities are endless and the only one who will feel at all nervous is you. the truth really is, mostly people don't care all that much and you'll find that more people than you'd expect will smile right back and congratulate you or say something like "Man... that's cool.... I need to do that..."

SoberHoopsFan

Agreed, this is something I obsess about, but I need to accept that barely anyone cares. The only people who probably would are the ones with drinking issues themselves, and I've already been down that road. The thing that my AV tries to use against me is the scenario where I am on a first date and my date has a glass of wine and then asks why I'm not having one. (As if ANY women want to date 33 year old men that drink themselves into oblivion and she will be mad that I'm not). I'll just say I don't drink, if we get to know each other better, I can reveal more of my past.

Mek2

I found as long as you say "I'm good" or if you have a soft drink "I've got one thanks." I still hang around with some that drink too much and I have found as long you don't effect their drinking, they truly will not care if you are not drinking.

Live2Run25

I've never had anyone ask my "why I wasn't drinking" in my 2 years sober. I think, like others have said, it's just something we obsess over, when in actuality no one else cares. I've been offered a drink by people who don't know I don't drink and a "no, thanks!" does the trick. Don't over think it

carlingford

Well done Live2Run25 and Congrats on new baby and sobriety birthday

Live2Run25

Thank you!

FreeOwl

In fact, I think you'll find that MOST women in their 30's have been burned enough times by some other dude with serious drinking issues that they will deeply value a man who has made a decision not to drink.

MattyBoy

I don't why people insist on asking others why they're not drinking, although I suspect it's probably due to the fact drinking is seen as some sort of social sport and they're trying to get you to join in - much like how a group playing football would say to someone standing on the sidelines: why aren't you playing with us? Come on join in!".

All I can say is that other people really aren't that bothered by it in most social settings as long as you are joining in on the conversations and being good humoured. As for giving excuses, well, there are TONs of reasons one may not drink so you can take your pick. Others have offered some good ones here. Maybe even crack a joke about it. I would advise against just saying 'no' as that can make the situation uncomfortable with people you don't know as well, but perhaps try and be good humoured about it and quickly change the subject.