Verte

You are batting your toughest critics, yourself and addiction and addiction often has a louder voice. This arrangement needs to be reversed.

Verte

Hi NYMets. I'm back again. Just humor me and pretend I'm your big sister for a moment who really cares about you.

If you have time right now, go to the 'Alcoholism' forum and read the thread started by Oldselfagain titled 'Sobriety is a choice'.

There are 11 pages of discussion and interaction among new and seasoned members of the forum. Reading through might help quiet some of the chatter in your head, thus quieting some of your anxiety.

Sometimes just knowing you are not alone with each struggling moment helps to not fight so hard for the wrong things.

The title of this post written by you, "Fed up with blackouts, sobriety is my only choice, I think", suggests you understand that you are precariously balancing between two places...both with significant consequences.

Blackouts are not the worst consequence of drinking alcohol for you. Tonight you are in Manhattan with friends! They have their own relationship with drinking just as you have yours. Anything can happen to you if you choose to drink alcohol, even if you are surrounded by friends...do not be fooled into thinking otherwise.

Think about tomorrow morning when you wake up. This is your life. Your body, heart, mind, soul.

nymets86

Well, overall tonight went well. I can't remember (pun intended, I suppose) the last time I got home at 1:00 completely sober.

I wasn't able to own up and tell my friends "I'm not drinking anymore," but I simply didn't drink while hanging out at my apartment from 5:30-7, didn't drink at dinner, and then wound up in a bad spot where we had an hour to kill before an improv show. My friends bought me a beer (I chose miller lite since I know it's weak and I don't like it), then drank a little over half of it over the hour and then just left it on the table and walked out leaving it there. I then didn't drink at the show.

I noticed that I was very in tune with what my friends were drinking. If this had been two weeks ago, I know I would have stocked up on vodka and beer and started boozing at 5:30 and encouraging my friends. Without my prodding, they just didn't drink while at my place (and I have beers left over) had a beer at dinner, two at the bar and one at the show. Again, two weeks ago I woulda ramped up big time and been hammered, then probably have made an ass of myself. I even found that I really enjoyed the show and then the train ride home was pleasant rather than the usual fuzzy memories or passing out and waking up at the last stop in the Bronx.

I'm a little disappointed that I didn't abstain completely, but given the circumstances, it was a huge improvement for me.

Tomorrow is sure to bring another set of challenges. Gaining some confidence, but still very fragile I think. If I can get through this weekend, the next few will be a lot easier since I can get out of the city two of them and then am going to Brazil.

ScottFromWI

Perhaps you don't need to tell then you are not drinking anymore, but at least day you aren't drinking to tonight? Being honest, especially to yourself, is the cornerstone of getting sober.

gvrecovery

I'm not sure if you realize it, but you're describing the progressive nature of drinking: it will get worse, blackouts are another step down the negative spiral and I pray you won't have to experience it first-hand. Welcome!

nymets86

Yeah, plan is for zero drinks today. I think it's possible. I'm not going to beat myself up over being sober all week and then having less than one miller lite on Friday. Not ideal, but nice being sober when I got home on a Friday and remembering 100% of the night and then waking up at 9:00 on a Saturday with zero hangover, though my seasonal allergies are bugging me.

nymets86

Made it through today with zero drinks. It wasn't exactly easy as despite my best efforts, I wound up with friends at two bars. Both times I just didn't drink anything and just said I felt dehydrated and wanted club soda. Nobody said anything.

It's what was again noticeable to me is how being with people without a drinking problem and noticing the pace at which they drink. It's like one beer every half hour/45 minutes, and stopping at two or three. I feel like when I drink, I'm always aware that I'm drinking faster than others and I'm always the one saying "let's stay for one more."

I'm still very nervous about what lies ahead as I can't be going to so many bars like this and expect I'll stay sober. With that said, this weekend has been a million times better than last weekend.