Sober for a bit....then you realize
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
At four months I was all over the place Raider and I wasn't certain of my own ability to remain sober forever but I could do it one day at a time. Sometimes I could think ahead to a couple of days but to contemplate say, twenty years, of sobriety was overwhelming. Could I do that? Then I didn't know -- now I do and to quote Obama Yes we can.
I think the important thing in the early months is to give yourself the grace to get out of your own way. Go forward to what you want in life without drinking today and without over thinking sobriety today. Don't contemplate the entire rest of your life not drinking, just get used to not drinking today and maybe tomorrow. In time there is an intellectual realisation that we are able to step away from the addictive voice and make decisions based on what we want and make them for the forseeable future.
At almost 15 months I value what I have far more than what I can find inside a bottle and, because I hold dear what I have, the sobriety decision is no longer one I have to make every single day. I imagine that in time, there will be big stretches of time when I don't have to consciously make the sobriety decision daily and that will hep me to embrace the "rest of my life" part.
The Gratitude threads here at SR have helped me focus on what I have. I still have mornings when I go to the Morning Gratitude thread with an overflowing heart -- I have so much to grateful for why would I go back to mornings with my head down the toilet. That feeling of gratitude makes sobriety for the rest of my life a gift rather than a decision.
I think the important thing in the early months is to give yourself the grace to get out of your own way. Go forward to what you want in life without drinking today and without over thinking sobriety today. Don't contemplate the entire rest of your life not drinking, just get used to not drinking today and maybe tomorrow. In time there is an intellectual realisation that we are able to step away from the addictive voice and make decisions based on what we want and make them for the forseeable future.
At almost 15 months I value what I have far more than what I can find inside a bottle and, because I hold dear what I have, the sobriety decision is no longer one I have to make every single day. I imagine that in time, there will be big stretches of time when I don't have to consciously make the sobriety decision daily and that will hep me to embrace the "rest of my life" part.
The Gratitude threads here at SR have helped me focus on what I have. I still have mornings when I go to the Morning Gratitude thread with an overflowing heart -- I have so much to grateful for why would I go back to mornings with my head down the toilet. That feeling of gratitude makes sobriety for the rest of my life a gift rather than a decision.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Raider, your honesty is the key. You are struggling with 4 because you are in the midst of working through it and coming to terms with what it means. Just as you struggled with 1 when you were in the midst of that. All natural and normal, I think.
I think after we come out of the murk of being drunk all the time, we have this life we are looking at and wondering how it works, what doesn't fit anymore, who on earth are we really, what daily pressures had prompted us to think of drinking etc.
Then all the memories of who we hoped to be, what we used to like, do we even like those things any more. It's like someone slapped one of those thousand piece jigsaw puzzles off a table and onto the floor....overwhelming at first, but piece by piece you can fit it back together.
I think after we come out of the murk of being drunk all the time, we have this life we are looking at and wondering how it works, what doesn't fit anymore, who on earth are we really, what daily pressures had prompted us to think of drinking etc.
Then all the memories of who we hoped to be, what we used to like, do we even like those things any more. It's like someone slapped one of those thousand piece jigsaw puzzles off a table and onto the floor....overwhelming at first, but piece by piece you can fit it back together.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I really admire your honesty. And bringing such a thing up for a discussion is likely helpful to a lot of us. I can't help but wonder if your current growing pains with your hubby might be contributing to .your doubts? It was not far beyond the 4 month mark I lost my sobriety Raider...so I know obviously that was a difficult time for me. It was a hump I didn't get over....and I'm very sorry that I didn't get on through.
I know that in my last bout I tried very hard to stay "present" as I too couldn't fathom that whole forever deal. Now I wonder if all along I was harbouring some notion that I could go back to it in time...and did that harm my sobriety more than help it. It's something I"m really giving some hard thought too.
Nevertheless...only days into this again...I can only think about today.
I know that in my last bout I tried very hard to stay "present" as I too couldn't fathom that whole forever deal. Now I wonder if all along I was harbouring some notion that I could go back to it in time...and did that harm my sobriety more than help it. It's something I"m really giving some hard thought too.
Nevertheless...only days into this again...I can only think about today.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Raider.
Living in the day, in the moment, is a great thing to aspire to, and we're usually doing it best when we're not thinking about it. But if you want to incinerate any possibility of having a satisfying future, then you'll pick up drinking again. That's what I did, and I'm often still surprised that I made it back. I paid a heavy price, and I doubt I'd survive another relapse.
Picking up the drink again only guarantees a special kind of boredom (or isolation from ourselves and the world), the misery of which only we alcoholics can know...sickness, repetition, loss of purpose, ill-health and a life unlived. I don't see any future in that; only the reliving of past failures and the introduction of newer, more potent instances of complete and utter despair.
You're still early in sobriety, particularly when compared to your drinking career. It took more than a year for me to actually begin enjoying life again, another year to learn true compassion for myself and, now moving towards the close of my third year, I'm amazed at how much has changed and how forgiving I've become towards myself. Without compassion for ourselves, it's impossible for us to leave the past behind and to move forward, and actually doing things to build a better life is what enables us to do so.
Visiting your family in Alaska, going to the cabin and volunteering may be nice activities, but taking hold of your life in a way that's meaningful for you is a plan for living...for living a better life.
For one of the smartest, most savvy people I know, you've got it all turned around in a direction that says you're still eager to settle for less in your life.
Living in the day, in the moment, is a great thing to aspire to, and we're usually doing it best when we're not thinking about it. But if you want to incinerate any possibility of having a satisfying future, then you'll pick up drinking again. That's what I did, and I'm often still surprised that I made it back. I paid a heavy price, and I doubt I'd survive another relapse.
Picking up the drink again only guarantees a special kind of boredom (or isolation from ourselves and the world), the misery of which only we alcoholics can know...sickness, repetition, loss of purpose, ill-health and a life unlived. I don't see any future in that; only the reliving of past failures and the introduction of newer, more potent instances of complete and utter despair.
You're still early in sobriety, particularly when compared to your drinking career. It took more than a year for me to actually begin enjoying life again, another year to learn true compassion for myself and, now moving towards the close of my third year, I'm amazed at how much has changed and how forgiving I've become towards myself. Without compassion for ourselves, it's impossible for us to leave the past behind and to move forward, and actually doing things to build a better life is what enables us to do so.
Visiting your family in Alaska, going to the cabin and volunteering may be nice activities, but taking hold of your life in a way that's meaningful for you is a plan for living...for living a better life.
For one of the smartest, most savvy people I know, you've got it all turned around in a direction that says you're still eager to settle for less in your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I know this is childish, but I am so jealous of "normal" drinkers. Im jealous my husband can drink a town dry today, then not have another drink for three months. I'm disappointed to see this rather large hole in my journey. And because it's in the future, I don't know how to prepare. I feel kind of lost. I wish I didn't feel this way about sobriety, especially around all those posts about sobriety being the best thing that ever happened to them....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think you need to cut yourself a break Raider.
I'm betting you drank for a lot longer than 4 months.
None of us stopped drinking and then were perfectly accepting and content the next day...it takes time to change and grow.
stay with it
D
I'm betting you drank for a lot longer than 4 months.
None of us stopped drinking and then were perfectly accepting and content the next day...it takes time to change and grow.
stay with it
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC 
Picking up the drink again only guarantees a special kind of boredom (or isolation from ourselves and the world), the misery of which only we alcoholics can know...sickness, repetition, loss of purpose, ill-health and a life unlived.
Yes. After giving up my sobriety after only a few scant months. I can attest that it's exactly what I went back to. Bang on dangit. Thank you for saying it so well.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Raider. I think it took at least six months for my emotional system to get decoupled from alcohol. Prior to that my emptional life swung a bit, i still had cravings but to a much lesser degree.
I came to see the "forever" thing as one of the addictions greatest weapons. Even though i do not live 'in the moment' i do try to, especially if I try to 'pre-live' the future in various ways, telling myself what it will be like..... Usually living in fear and not really acknowledging it.
I prefer to think that there is only "now". This is not abstract, this is the reality of our experience. The future only comes to us as the next 'now' - as we experience it.
The stories I tell myself, have not always helped me in life
I came to see the "forever" thing as one of the addictions greatest weapons. Even though i do not live 'in the moment' i do try to, especially if I try to 'pre-live' the future in various ways, telling myself what it will be like..... Usually living in fear and not really acknowledging it.
I prefer to think that there is only "now". This is not abstract, this is the reality of our experience. The future only comes to us as the next 'now' - as we experience it.
The stories I tell myself, have not always helped me in life
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I am having to do an awful lot of work on myself Raider. Sobriety didn't automatically bring peace and contentment...quite the opposite. It exposed all sorts of stuff. Relationship issues being just one of them.
Growing can be painful sometimes...we have to let go of that part of our lives which was quite literally killing us. Being drunk was all I knew for a long time...it worked in covering things up for years...but when it all started unravelling and making me ill I had to make some drastic changes.
It is taking me some time to discover the real me now, who I am and what I like to do. I had to have some therapy for deep-rooted issues. I learned about meditation. I looked at my diet and started exercising. I dropped my drinking crowd and hooked up with old friends. None of this happened overnight...but baby steps...
Our addictions whisper all sorts of lies to us Raider and that's why we need to remain vigilant. Do I think I will stay sober forever? I wish I could say a confident yes. But I can't. What I can tell you is the life I'm building today is pushing the thoughts of drinking further and further away.
I was a miserable suicidal drunk. I've no wish to go back to that ever. Moving on and going through some personal upheaval has GOT to be better than that x
Growing can be painful sometimes...we have to let go of that part of our lives which was quite literally killing us. Being drunk was all I knew for a long time...it worked in covering things up for years...but when it all started unravelling and making me ill I had to make some drastic changes.
It is taking me some time to discover the real me now, who I am and what I like to do. I had to have some therapy for deep-rooted issues. I learned about meditation. I looked at my diet and started exercising. I dropped my drinking crowd and hooked up with old friends. None of this happened overnight...but baby steps...
Our addictions whisper all sorts of lies to us Raider and that's why we need to remain vigilant. Do I think I will stay sober forever? I wish I could say a confident yes. But I can't. What I can tell you is the life I'm building today is pushing the thoughts of drinking further and further away.
I was a miserable suicidal drunk. I've no wish to go back to that ever. Moving on and going through some personal upheaval has GOT to be better than that
x
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Raider, 4 months is still really early on. Your emotions are all over the place . I promise you you won't feel the way you feel now forever or even for very much longer. I got to a point where being sober felt normal-I can't remember exaclty when it was-more than 6 months less than 12. Felt normal rather than a battle or as though I was missing something or denying myself something. I'm not jealous of normal drinkers. Acceptance I'm not normal was a pretty key thing for me.once I stopped fighting it it became a bit easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 375
At my last attempt at sobriety I lasted 4 months. I didn't even kid myself I was going to moderate. I just decided I was destined to be a drunk and why fight it. What a defeat. What a waste of a life. Thankfully I am here and I can read your wonderful posts.
Don't throw yourself this pity party. If you do that you are in the drunk thinking. Is this what you deserve? Aren't you an amazing woman with a life time of stuff you have overcome? Don't you have a job to do here and in the world? I want you to win.
Don't throw yourself this pity party. If you do that you are in the drunk thinking. Is this what you deserve? Aren't you an amazing woman with a life time of stuff you have overcome? Don't you have a job to do here and in the world? I want you to win.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Hey Raider! I love your thread!!!
My very first shot at true sobriety started on Aug. 20, 2013. I lasted a little over four months and then caved during the holidays. And... yes... I have been "dabbling" ever since.
I am by no means in the same spot that I was in last August. However, the devil is beginning to squeeze his way back into my life.
My biggest problem is that I really need to embrace the fact that I cannot have just one.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful day. I met a friend at an outdoor bar/cafe for lunch. We both had two cold draft beers. On my way home, I picked up a six pack. There was absolutely no need for me to do that. Yet, in my head and heart, I was revved up. After that first beer, I instantly went into "Party" mode.
In an ideal world, I would have had the two beers, then went about my merry way never once thinking about where my next beer would come from. Unfortunately, I do not live in an "ideal" world and I really need to embrace that.
This is by far my saddest realization... It is what it is... Wish it wasn't true but it is...
My very first shot at true sobriety started on Aug. 20, 2013. I lasted a little over four months and then caved during the holidays. And... yes... I have been "dabbling" ever since.
I am by no means in the same spot that I was in last August. However, the devil is beginning to squeeze his way back into my life.
My biggest problem is that I really need to embrace the fact that I cannot have just one.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful day. I met a friend at an outdoor bar/cafe for lunch. We both had two cold draft beers. On my way home, I picked up a six pack. There was absolutely no need for me to do that. Yet, in my head and heart, I was revved up. After that first beer, I instantly went into "Party" mode.
In an ideal world, I would have had the two beers, then went about my merry way never once thinking about where my next beer would come from. Unfortunately, I do not live in an "ideal" world and I really need to embrace that.
This is by far my saddest realization... It is what it is... Wish it wasn't true but it is...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Originally Posted by Raider
A lot of stuff you never paid attention to. My marriage, for instance, most of these years we both have been wasted. He has been sober since October, me only since February. It's different, not bad, just different. He is extremely quiet. Quite the opposite of me. We have long periods of silence because he is just not a talker. This has not bothered me in the past. Now it does. I've talked to him about it, but this is really the way he is, you can't change someone's personality. He doesn't show love the way I "expect"' but he does show it. He will go to five grocery stores to get me exactly the candy I want. He comes home and brings me stuff I love. He helps with housework. Does all the grocery shopping, and 99% of the errands. I cook, he does all the cleaning. I am trying to come to grips with the way it really is, not the way it was when you're wasted and don't care. This doesn't happen overnight. I don't even know what I'm asking here. I don't even know how I feel about it. Certainly I am not considering trading him in for a new model, what with all that breaking in crap you have to go through, ummm, no.
I'm not sure this is the finest part of sobriety. I don't know. I guess you need to accept who people are, and hopefully they accept you. I'm sure I am not the same sober. I wonder if I am a disappointment to him?
Who knows? I married a non-communicator. Anyone else understand me?
I'm not sure this is the finest part of sobriety. I don't know. I guess you need to accept who people are, and hopefully they accept you. I'm sure I am not the same sober. I wonder if I am a disappointment to him?
Who knows? I married a non-communicator. Anyone else understand me?
Incredible ...and thank you for sharing that i was not the only one who felt this exact same way. I actually wanted to share this months ago but couldn't articulate it as well as you have ...kudos ;-) Xxxxxxx
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I'm an analogy kinda gal and this one sticks with me so i'll keep sharing it. See, i used to drink normally. Maybe i drank a little to much a little too often but i never drank to blackout and i didn't drink enough to have a hangover. Alcohol wasn't a central focus in my life and i even dropped it without thinking about it for a while because i had to. Well, life eventually settled down and i picked up my drinking again.
So now i'm drinking but it's picked up. Like a snowball rolling downhill, it gets bigger and bigger and faster and faster. Moderation wasn't in my mind because i was just gone. I was in the zone. I was the drink. It was my everything.
So i start to think that maybe this isn't right. Maybe i should moderate. But i can't. It's not like the last time. For some reason, i can't quit now. Something's changed and i've never figured out how to change it back.
I have become a pickle. You see, i was a cucumber for most of my life. Back when i was able to quit drinking and not think about it, i was a cucumber. Then, one day, while i was drinking with mindless, reckless abandon, i got pickled. When i tried to quit, i was a pickle trying to become a cucumber again. It just doesn't work that way. A cucumber can become a pickle but a pickle can never become a cucumber.
So that's a simple minded analogy for me. Now that i realize what i am, i can live with it. It's a lot easier accepting that i'm a pickle rather than striving to become a cucumber.
So now i'm drinking but it's picked up. Like a snowball rolling downhill, it gets bigger and bigger and faster and faster. Moderation wasn't in my mind because i was just gone. I was in the zone. I was the drink. It was my everything.
So i start to think that maybe this isn't right. Maybe i should moderate. But i can't. It's not like the last time. For some reason, i can't quit now. Something's changed and i've never figured out how to change it back.
I have become a pickle. You see, i was a cucumber for most of my life. Back when i was able to quit drinking and not think about it, i was a cucumber. Then, one day, while i was drinking with mindless, reckless abandon, i got pickled. When i tried to quit, i was a pickle trying to become a cucumber again. It just doesn't work that way. A cucumber can become a pickle but a pickle can never become a cucumber.
So that's a simple minded analogy for me. Now that i realize what i am, i can live with it. It's a lot easier accepting that i'm a pickle rather than striving to become a cucumber.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Oh Raider, I haven't even read the responses yet and wanted to tell you how much I appreciate this thread. I began following your story months ago, and I ablsolutely love the way you think and handle things. I have experienced the same thing and I just realized it this morning! He's quiet also, and can be sarcastic---which right now, hurts very much. I asked him to be more kind with me as I am delicate and supersensitive right now. He knows I just experienced a severe trauma. He also does all those sweet things you talk about--I know he loves me very much. He has always been this way, I just didn't see it.
Anyway, thank you. I just wrote in my journal how hard it is for me, to feel so alone.
I come here, and see your post :-)
Anyway, thank you. I just wrote in my journal how hard it is for me, to feel so alone.
I come here, and see your post :-)
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
all those posts about sobriety being the best thing that ever happened to them....
yes. there are a lot of those. and they may or may not be all "true". what i mean is: some of them may be written to encourage others, or not to discourage them of the tough work ahead.
my own way of putting it is more that sobriety and sober life isn't what's better as much as that I am better in my life.
and i also think that quite a few people aren't willing to be as honest as you, Raider, and admit to not being in bliss with this sobriety-thing, give or take some little life-things
i had a buddy in my early forum years, and he'd often mention the general "life is hard", and that is something i never really understood until i was sober a while. yes, it IS hard.
but i'm sure better IN it, living it this way.
give yourself the gift of time, Raider, and keep going.
yes. there are a lot of those. and they may or may not be all "true". what i mean is: some of them may be written to encourage others, or not to discourage them of the tough work ahead.
my own way of putting it is more that sobriety and sober life isn't what's better as much as that I am better in my life.
and i also think that quite a few people aren't willing to be as honest as you, Raider, and admit to not being in bliss with this sobriety-thing, give or take some little life-things
i had a buddy in my early forum years, and he'd often mention the general "life is hard", and that is something i never really understood until i was sober a while. yes, it IS hard.
but i'm sure better IN it, living it this way.
give yourself the gift of time, Raider, and keep going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Twice I have left Alaska early because of my addiction or failure to control it. I don't feel sorry for myself because I can't see long term sobriety. I have noticed that those with long term sobriety don't post about how great life is sober, unless they are responding to a post. And even then, it's not all rainbows. I don't know what I expected, but not this. Not with 118 days sober.
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