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Sober for a bit....then you realize

Old 06-01-2014, 10:40 AM
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Raider, just stopping drinking and being sober doesn't make life perfect. There are always ups and downs and ultimately, we are responsible for our own happiness and that can be a daunting prospect at times.

I've been sober for 13 years and I wouldn't change it for anything. I wouldn't go back to being dependent upon and controlled by alcohol. My life is my own. It's what I make it and I have to be sober to make good choices.

Give yourself some more time.
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Old 06-01-2014, 10:56 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Hi Raider I've just read this thread.

I am in a quite similar situation, the differences are not married, not living together (now), it's a same sex thing, but since I got sober it's been all over the map. And not because of her, because of me. My emotions are like some days I REALLY want out, but then my reason (and memories) kick in and I try not to rebel. It's crazy!
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Old 06-01-2014, 07:50 PM
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I have noticed that those with long term sobriety don't post about how great life is sober, unless they are responding to a post. And even then, it's not all rainbows. I don't know what I expected, but not this

Raider,
i don't know what you expected, either.
i know some of what i expected, and that went kinda like this: i'm gonna quit this drinking ****, and i'm gonna be on this forum (it was a different one, not SR) for about six months, and then i'll be done with all that jazz! and then, the real good part is that i'll be more-or-less automatically turned into a much less reactive, much more loving, kind and patient person than i am now, and life will be kind of...eh...beatifically smiling, as will i.

right.
forget it.
didn't happen.

but that is okay. it is okay, Raider, to not have it be the way i imagined. and it's okay because i'm sober (seven years). i've changed a bit; slowly. my perspectives...a work in progress, it's true. i've learned some stuff about me, none too flattering.

but exciting in its own way.

no, i wouldn't post about how great life is sober. life is a lot of those cliches you can read all over this board, the rosy and the black. but it's okay. that's the most honest thing i can tell you about it. and okay like this beats the drinking despair hands down.

new people often say it's wonderful, and that can easily be true when you're new. and it's great when that's so.
but it would be cruel if that's all we heard, because for many it is NOT all rosy rainbows.

i wanted "real life", Raider, and i had no idea, really, what that was. i also wanted "real me", and am equally slowly finding out that that's not who i thought i was/am.

I am trying to come to grips with the way it really is, not the way it was when you're wasted and don't care.

yes. that is the work of sobriety.
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Old 06-01-2014, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
I know this is childish, but I am so jealous of "normal" drinkers. Im jealous my husband can drink a town dry today, then not have another drink for three months. I'm disappointed to see this rather large hole in my journey. And because it's in the future, I don't know how to prepare. I feel kind of lost. I wish I didn't feel this way about sobriety, especially around all those posts about sobriety being the best thing that ever happened to them....
The Power of Surrendering: Let Go of Control to Be Peaceful and Free
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Old 06-01-2014, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
i wanted "real life", Raider, and i had no idea, really, what that was. i also wanted "real me", and am equally slowly finding out that that's not who i thought i was/am.

I am trying to come to grips with the way it really is, not the way it was when you're wasted and don't care.

yes. that is the work of sobriety.
I think this is all so true. You may not be happy with your life when you are sober, but that's exactly where alcohol got you.

Making decisions, dealing with life and backing up those decisions sober is sometimes hard. That's part of being present, being a grown up and actively participating in the life you've been given. Sure, I want to give up sometimes. I want to rewind back 10 years and have what alcohol hijacked from my life. I won't lie.

But, everyone is right....for me it took 10 years to create this quagmire....I ain't gonna fix it overnight. That's part of our problem....we always want the quick fix!
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Old 06-01-2014, 08:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Croissant View Post
I think this is all so true. You may not be happy with your life when you are sober, but that's exactly where alcohol got you.

Making decisions, dealing with life and backing up those decisions sober is sometimes hard. That's part of being present, being a grown up and actively participating in the life you've been given. Sure, I want to give up sometimes. I want to rewind back 10 years and have what alcohol hijacked from my life. I won't lie.

But, everyone is right....for me it took 10 years to create this quagmire....I ain't gonna fix it overnight. That's part of our problem....we always want the quick fix!
This is so true. De Mello writes about awakening (Anthony de Mello - Awareness pt.1 on waking up - YouTube) most people don't want to wake up. They want a magic pill or pixie dust to take and make everything still look rosy and better. You should feel honored that you are finally waking up. Finally growing up. You are living life on life's terms. Sure it would be magical to live life as a child believing in pixie dust and Santa Claus, I can see this magic in my children. But its a fantasy and unsustainable.

It took me 39 years to finally wake up. I accomplished a lot while sleep walking but I was unable to appreciate my accomplishments because I was unable to appreciate myself. I lived in the past and future unable to be in the present except with the help of alcohol and drugs. And this was/is the rub, as my way to be present was/is unsustainable. So for the past ten months I have had to relearn how to live life. To live in the present.

Like you Raider I sometimes want to curl up or click my heals and be transported back to Kansas like Dorothy. But the moments when I am able to really live life and love my wife and kids for who they are and the gratitude of being able to take in these precious moments sober are priceless. I imagine my life was like someone with poor vision going around in a fog or haze. Now it feels like I have had lasic surgery and things are more vivid, good and bad.

My therapist and I often joke about how many would enter the halls of AA if the banner said, sobriety, now you get to face all the crap you ignored while active. Lol! I doubt many would sign up for this. But its true. In facing life though there are moments of beauty that you cannot take in active. I used to think life was about moments of over the top behavior. Private jets, Ferraris, Celebrity, drugs and alcohol. I would take the massive crashes for these few moments of over the top highs. You talk about those with long term sobriety and lack of rainbows. For me I have 10 months but I would take the real moments over those fake inauthentic jaunts.

Sorry for the ramble - I have not read all the replies but I relate to your sentiments but remind myself often about what life is all about - its was never about booze and drugs.
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Old 06-01-2014, 08:33 PM
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Good topic, good thread. Thanks Raider. I get it.
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Old 06-01-2014, 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by jdooner View Post
My therapist and I often joke about how many would enter the halls of AA if the banner said, sobriety, now you get to face all the crap you ignored while active.
This cracked me up....I visualised a big brass band playing with that banner above a door! Wooohhoooo! Sign me up!
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Old 06-01-2014, 11:08 PM
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Maybe some masochists...but then we would be getting into dual addiction territory:-)
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Old 06-01-2014, 11:43 PM
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You have all hit upon my central question. Who the hell am I? Who is this man I married? Why am I doing this job? why do I live here?

A lifetime of drinking and foggy brain... we have to piece it together like we have amnesia.
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Old 06-01-2014, 11:55 PM
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Originally Posted by GwenCummings View Post
You have all hit upon my central question. Who the hell am I? Who is this man I married? Why am I doing this job? why do I live here?

A lifetime of drinking and foggy brain... we have to piece it together like we have amnesia.
Exactly.
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Old 06-01-2014, 11:56 PM
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This thread is really helpful to me and I'm 18 months sober. It helps so much to read about others in similar situations and know I'm not alone. It reminds me why I love SR and newcomers so much.Thanks Raider
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Old 06-02-2014, 04:43 AM
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When the rainbows do appear, and they do very regularly, I am sober enough to cherish them.

Life, when drinking, was no picnic.......and ..........it was not sustainable
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Old 06-02-2014, 06:56 AM
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Thanks for this post Raider. I am struggling with the same things too. My husband still drinks though. i have those same urges to just pack up and go... especially if he is drinking and ranty. But it's not just that, on weekends he always seems a bit lost and I feel like I have to cater to him (that's just an innate thing i have) when I have so many creative projects on the go and it's frustrating. What I am learning is that I have stopped lingering about waiting for him to do or say anything and just get on with what I am doing. However I did say to him last night that I find it difficult to talk to him sometimes. I did tell him not long ago that if this is all it's going to be forever there is no way I could possibly psychologically take it without snapping. So I am just making plans and I hope he will want to be part of them and make an effort. However I don't want to be like all the women in my family who stuck around and got real resentful later on. Everyone has told me that the first year of recovery soooo many changes take place and not to make any rash decisions.
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Old 06-02-2014, 08:59 AM
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Hey Raider,

I know exactly how you feel about the never drinking again, ever. When I got sober the last thing I wanted was to never be able to drink again. It was too daunting, and I loved drinking so much.
But I needed get sober, or else I was going to die. So I did the detox and the rehab and when I got out with 5 weeks sober I was miserable. The thought of all the time ahead of me with no alcohol seemed too much.
I told myself that when I turned 80 I was going to be able to drink again. It was 35 years away, but at least I knew I wasn't giving it up for good.

At about a year and a half, I was okay with not drinking, but still missing it.
Something happened in the 2 - 3 year mark. I really like being sober now. I really like being a non-drinker now. Really, I do. Yes, occasionally there is the moment when my mom orders a vodka on the rocks and I think.....sucks to be me. But it is a fleeting moment.

Life is not all puppies and rainbows all the time. But that is life. There are hard times and there are fabulous times. But if I were not sober, there would be no times at all.

It got better for me, just took a long, long time. I hope you hang in there long enough to find some peace.
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Old 06-02-2014, 10:18 AM
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As others have noted...this is really a truly helpful thread. For me it seem that sobriety is about progress in life (not puppies and rainbows and some constant state of glee). I am suddenly reminded of the first couple weeks of my last sobriety where I realized "holy cow...my life is a mess, I want to crawl buck under the drunk rock!!". I slowly started to put stuff together and find...progress. By 4 months (which felt like a good gob of time...it did..ahahahahahaha), I think I sort of thought I had "been delivered" and this was sobriety and it was kind of dull and I was sick of recovery blah blah blah. I just wanted to be "normal" and have a glass or two of wine now and again...(again...ahahahahaha). How much progress does a person think they have actually made in 4 months?? Things is I had..quite a bit actually...but obviously nothing in comparison to what I could have achieved in say 5 years of sobriety. But even then...5 years down the road I'm guessing I would not be doing a happy dance full of self achievement...life would just be life I guess.

It is only when you go back in and then find yourself back into stagnation, denial..avoidance of life's responsibilities that you realize...drinking is spinning wheels in mud if it's something you love/need/want/are addicted to...

And for me even if its a few glasses of wine a day (and the occasional trough)...somehow it can control your life...ease the restless energy where you find productivity and growth.

Life can be very difficult...drunk or sober...but in the latter, you actually learn how to handle it rather than ignore it.
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Old 06-02-2014, 10:49 AM
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my marriage didn't survive. 8 weeks into my recovery he decided all-night partying was more his speed. we were both adrift and not sure what to make of sober me.

7 months later and i finally have this sober thing going on. 6 weeks today. i've been living on my own since February and hated it at first. that was a big relapse. a couple more since then but i have begun to accept i can never drink safely again - i don't have a f*ck-it button, i have a death wish.

and i've been seeing someone new for a couple of weeks. he has never known me as an active alcoholic. it's a lovely thing.

hang in there Raider - when you're sober you can take life in your stride. it still sucks sometimes, but i find the more i sit with my feelings the easier things get. progress, not perfection...
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Old 06-02-2014, 11:23 AM
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Raider, I think this is a wonderful and very honest thread. I know it has been a lot of work to have sobriety, I hope you know how proud we are of you!

I am behind you cheering you on. You are a lovely person. I truly believe it will all come together eventually. I remember when my XAH went through a year of sobriety. The first months were like the twilight zone for both of us.

You can do this!

XXX
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