Vanduara

Hello all,

Well, I am at the point of actually being about to lose my partner because of this drinking thing.

Like I said in my introductory thread yesterday, I went through a very bad divorce last year but was then lucky enough to meet my lovely new partner. He is a totally normal drinker and cannot cope with my drunken binges which happen every few weeks or so.

Part of me (the alcoholic mind part, no doubt) thinks he is being unreasonable as well, though. I try hard, 90 something per cent of the time, and indeed I love the time where I am sober and being the best me that I can be. I just cannot get past that time every few weeks where stress builds up to the point where nothing else will do, I have to drink to relieve that feeling. I feel that he should have a bit of come and go with me too, but no dice as we say here in Scotland.

I feel that my whole life I have tried to be someone I am not, to please other people (my marriage was full of that) and I cannot stand it anymore. Maybe I need to go and do things for myself for a bit, "find myself", as it were. I jumped out of a long marriage into this relationship, maybe that wasn't the best idea?

Anyway, the title of my thread "madness, craziness..." refers to me being about to lose my partner over the head of drinking......but maybe it's not so mad, maybe I do need to go and find myself and sort myself out first before being ready for a relationship?

Thanks for reading, that was a long one!

FreeOwl

I'm not sure whether you're committed to sobriety.... if so, perhaps this person would be a great ally in your choice - if you're fully honest about it and ask for that support.

If you're not committed to sobriety..... then reading between the lines I'd suggest this sounds like a limited-time relationship on which the clock is already ticking and you may be at significant risk of spiraling down a slippery slope in general from what you've shared.

If you're committed to sobriety and questioning the relationship itself... well, hey you could be onto something. Sometimes in recovery - from what I have seen and been told - relationships can be a distraction or even an unhealthy influence.

So - there's a non-answer response.... I hope that whatever happens, you find your way to a healthy path.

Anna

I do think that it would be a good idea to get to know what you want out of life. If that's not something you could do within your relationship, then maybe some time on your own would be well-spent.

It does sound like you are not ready to stop drinking so if your partner cannot cope with that, then it could be time to move on.

snowbunting

I just want to say I recognise so well that feeling of the build-up of stress after some time sober, and alcohol seeming like the only way to relieve it. It's such a powerful, destructive feeling. Do anything you can do stop it: listen to it, acknowledge it, surf it, but don't give in to it. I'm currently trying to think of what I will do - exactly - the next time I get this feeling. Perhaps you could try that too. Rather than just waiting for the inevitable feeling to take hold and overpower you, make a plan, days in advance, for exactly how you will react when it comes. Kind of like a fire drill.

ScottFromWI

I'd say that in a roundabout way, your post basically says that you value your binge drinking more than you value your relationship. Is that how you actually feel or what you actually want?

biminiblue

Using alcohol to deal with stress or life will not end well, in my opinion.

The man seems to have had it with the binge drinking you are currently doing.

Sounds like the writing is already on the wall for you if you continue your past drinking pattern.

Vanduara

Anna, thanks for your kind words.

Yes, I think I do need to find myself outside of being with any man. It sounds so cliched, but is true. In my adult life I have never been properly single and have never had my own career (I'm 37, and I'm putting the career thing right now, I have a university degree which I have never used but now intend to),

And you are right, it boils down to the fact that I probably am not ready to stop drinking. I wish I was.....how does one get to that point? I know logically that sobriety is so much better but I cannot make it stick.

leviathan

"i have to drink to relieve that feeling."

you may not want to hear this, but you dont HAVE to. you may strongly WANT to, but that is different, isnt it.

next time you feel this way, just dont drink. scream in a pillow if you have to. do push-ups till you drop. take a shower. i guarantee that the next morning you will not feel like you should have drank.

the relationship thing may or may not be right. alcohol is not helping, though. if you need to go out and do things for yourself a bit, how does this look like in your head? if you immediately picture yourself with a drink in your hand, that should be a red flag. if you want to go drink, with no-one to get in your way, admit it. say "hey partner, i need to break up, cause i just need some space to drink."

wishing you the best. i love to hear stories about those who manage to nip this in the bud before it does too much damage.

Vanduara

Scott, thanks for your response. You are absolutely right, part of me does value the drinking more than the relationship. That is shocking, and awful.

I've tried to explain to my partner that my drinking is my problem, and no reflection on him....it's a psychological problem I have. But I know that 'no man is an island' and that drinking to excess is horrible for the people around me.

I just don't know what I'm going to do.....I know that I need to quit drinking, no good is ever going to come of it, I'm chasing away people who love me (even my own parents).... But equally the thought of never having that outlet or escape route from my emotions is terrifying to me.

HeadLump

Oh, Vanduara, please don't do anything hasty! Early sobriety is very hard and your emotions are all over the place

It can be impossible for 'normal' people to understand the alcoholic desire to get completely wrecked. I know my partner didn't. To him, it seemed utterly pointless - and it was! He was also very worried about what could happen to me when I'd been drinking - and for good reason (hence my name 'HeadLump'!)

In your previous post you said your BF was the love of your life. If that's truly the case, you owe it to yourself (and him) to think before making any far-reaching decisions.

Is it really him you're angry with or yourself for having the kind of relationship with alcohol that you do? I ask that because it's something that I did myself for many years.

Tread softly, Vanduara

Vanduara

Thanks, HeadLump, you are awesome. ((hugs))

I know, I am really trying to tread carefully. I love my partner to bits, he really is the love of my life......but, he seemed too eager earlier to just get out of here and not be bothered with my problems.

He is a strange one too.....he now drinks completely normally (one beer at a time, and maybe only two or three times a year) but he reckons he had issues with booze in the past. He tried to tell me a bit about it last night.......but I think he could never have been a proper alcoholic if he can have one beer now and leave it at that......I know I could never do that.

And yes, HeadLump, I'm not really angry with him, I am angry at myself, you are absolutely right.

I just want to be a normie!

tuesdayschild

I was just writing this very thing to a dear friend today. I'm on day 5 and so freaked out, lost, sad and weepy I just feel like a black hole is before me. And in the past, whenever I felt that way I drank. And it numbed everything, until it didn't.

I hear you loud and clear. I'm not really mourning the loss of the booze itself, but rather not having that outlet to escape from the negative emotions I constantly have.

But my friend (25 years sober herself) says I have to have faith. I'm on a bridge to a better place and it's unknown and scary, but to have faith. And I have been God-less for so long that it is hard, but I am trying.

Regardless of what you do with your relationship with this person, take care of your primary relationship with yourself. I can't really preach about sobriety being only 5 days into it, but I tell you what I'm telling myself: be kind to yourself, focus on yourself, heal yourself. All else will come in time.

Best wishes.

Vanduara

Tuesdayschild, thank you, that is such a lovely post.

It's so good to know that I'm not the only person who has felt that utter, gut-wrenching sadness at never being able to drink again. It's not good to know in that I hate the thought of anyone suffering like me, but you know what I mean.....it's just nice to know that someone else has felt that way. Being amongst normies who don't get it.....it's so good to talk to people here who know where I'm coming from.

Yes, my main relationship has to be with myself.....I've never given myself a real chance to nurture that.

Vanduara

Lol, just to have a wee bit of a laugh.....

Some of you on here are really tough!

But that's good, I needed that. I needed a good "boot up the a**e" as we say here in Scotland.

Thanks, everyone, for the support.