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Am Tired...

Old 05-22-2014, 03:25 PM
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AlmA
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Am Tired...

120 days no drink or pot and 26 days no benzodiazepinas.

I know I can not go back!
I know I can not touch a thing or the spiral starts!

I just live like a robot,
I do all I am supposed to do.
I am trying so hard to keep busy not to stop and think how empty I feel!
Because when I stop I want to take something...

I saw someone rolling a joint today
and I was so nervous had to get out!

I went to a family party on Saturday and because I could not drink
I eat and I eat so much until I was sick...

My knee hurts so much I can not run any more...
That really really upsets me!

I based my recovery on being busy 24x7
and I am getting tired...

I just feel sad inside and just know I have to keep moving!
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Old 05-22-2014, 03:30 PM
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don't be sad Aiko...

give yourself a break.. you don't have to be busy all day..

jump into the ocean! is it cold?
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Old 05-22-2014, 03:36 PM
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I am so proud of you, Aiko; you are doing beautifully, simply beautifully. You are an inspiration.

Be gentle with yourself. Have a warm bath; read a book; bask in the sun; take a short walk (if you can without adding more pain to your knee) along that beautiful Med. Be good to Aiko.
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Old 05-22-2014, 03:59 PM
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I felt very blank for a while too Aiko.

I'd spent years medicating every emotion thio - it took some time for my brain chemistry to get itself right again.

Please don't lose hope

D
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:05 PM
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I understand how you feel. There are places I'd like to go, but I'm not that strong. I know it's hard, it just is. Blessings.
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:06 PM
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Oh I forgot, congrats!!!
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:08 PM
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Sometimes I, too,feel like I am on robot mode doing what I need to do or am supposed to do as far as work or taking care of my family. I think for me my alcoholic mind some times tries to make me think I'm missing out on fun or my life is now boring because I'm not doing anything fabulous or exciting. The reality is that I'm doing what I need to do right now to take care of yourself. And so are you! Keep up the great work on your sober journey!
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:18 PM
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AlmA
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I am a fake everybody thinks I am perfect I have a great life, I got it all...
I do all the right things, but I am so tired...

I really am trying to fill up my hole by being busy
but I am realizing I am doing it wrong!
Sooner or later I have to stop!

And sometimes I think so what...
who cares what I do behind close doors!
What I want is to be un-conciense...
I do not want to exist!

But I know the consequences!
It takes over my life and I can not keep hiding it!
The problem was spilling out,
people were noticing and I can not work gone!
And my family can not find out... I die if they find out!

I feel stuck like in groundhog day!
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Old 05-23-2014, 06:40 AM
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WE care what you do behind closed doors!!!! WE care very much. WE care about Aiko and want her to have a happy, fulfilled and sober life; WE might be "virtual" but we are real and we care.

Keep fighting the fight and be very good to our Aiko.
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