New to this and lost and confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: far far away, ky
Posts: 3
New to this and lost and confused
hi, I don't even know where to start. I've never used anything other than social drink. I never finished a scrip other than antibiotics, even after shoulder surgery I took 2 Lortabs of my scrip and said no more. So, about 3 years ago I met the most amazing woman, perfect in every way I could have ever imagined. There was a joy in her eyes and smile that mesmerized me. I am presently 49 and she is 13 years younger, so I naturally thought she would just see me as an old guy. I fell hard but kept it to myself, we became great friends and it remained just that, friendship. Then a little over a year ago, things began to change. We began texting more and before I knew it she told me she had been trying to get up the nerve since we met to let me know she liked me. Well, I told her the feeling was mutual and from there we started getting closer. A few weeks in, she broke the news that she had cancer and needed to go out of state for surgery and treatment. I was heartbroken but promised I would be here for her in every way, visit her when I could get away from work, anything to stand with her and help her through it.
Well, the visits never happened, she always found a reason to put it off. I learned that she also had ateast one other fella waiting for her return too. I communicated via her phone, but supposedly with her sister while she was in ICU through 5 separate surgeries.
After 9 months of this, and more lies than I can tell about in one sitting, she came back. She was thin and frail, sick a lot, blamed the chemo. She assured me the other fella was all a misunderstanding and she was only interested in me and us spending our lives together. I asked her to move in with me, and she did. I wrote off all the previous lies and never questioned her about it, deciding the past is past and she seemed so in love with meand sincere.
After only two weeks living with me, things got bad fast. She would get anxious in the evenings and would have to leave. A girlfriend had a problem, drunk friend needed a ride home, something all the time. She would leave, then a half-hour or so later would text that something came up and she'd be longer than expected. Of course I suspected another man, but couldn't understand why anyone with any sense would move in with me and move her 16 year old daughter in too, only to be sleeping around and jeapordize everything.
Anyway, five weeks ago it hit the fan. She had been sick and throwing up all day, sweating and just really sick. I went to the store and sbe sai sbe was going to try and take a nap. While I was at the store she called and said she was leaving for a bit but would be home soon. I'd had enough! I told her no, if she wasn't home when I got back, don't come back except to move her stuff and in with whoever it is she was sleeping with. She began to break down, and started explaining she wss going to get perkaset (spelling?) so she wouldn't be so sick, and she began painfully telling about her addiction that she had been trying so hard to stop but it had gone totally out of control. I began to finally put the pieces together.
So, she melts down for the next week, coming clean about her lies, no cancer but she told me that because she was too ashamed to tell me the truth about herself. She was married when she moved in with me, moved out of her husband's home and into mine. I had no idea, she had told me they divorced two years ago and she lived there with her daughter. He filed for divorce less than a week after she moved in with me.
She got into rehab almost 4 weeks ago and she seems to be a different person, more like the amazing and very beautiful woman I fell for 3 years ago. She gets out and starts outpatient this weekend. She has told me that although she has done this for her because she knew she was headed toward death fast, she could not have had the strength without my support. I have been there for her, taking her daughter with me to family counselling sessions with her, and her daughter and I attend AlAnon meetings twice a week. I still love her and wanted to stand by her through this. I want to see her clean and sober.
Okay but here is the kicker. Since she has been in rehab, I was contacted by a fella who was told by her, on the very day I took her to rehab, that she was headed to Italy for her uncle's funeral and would contact him when she returned. Turns out this is a someone she was using as a go-between to get her drugs, and she had already told me about him. She had NOT told me she had slept with him until I asked her directly, and then she admitted to only once and it was earlier in the spring during a high on painkillers and xanax. She said that she led him on in order to have a dependable supplier but it was not a "relationship." Unfortunately, even after her crying and promising during visits that the lies are over and she will be honest about everything, her and his accounts of their relationship differ greatly. He wants nothing more to do with her, and she told her counselor that she can stay clean by simply staying away from him, her supplier. wow
So my dilemma is this; I love her dearly. I said I love "her" dearly, not the things she has done. I love her daughter just like my own, she has stayed with me during her mom's rehab and we have spent a lot of evenings just talking about all this and offering support to one another. Part of me wants to get her home, stand by her, and support her through her recovery. Another part of me wants to get her home and tell her its time to move on because she has caused irreparable damage to my trust in her. I am afraid that doing that will guarantee a relapse though, she says she is not the person she was on the drugs though and she will prove it. She says she wants to stay sober and that I am the happiness she needed in order to get sober and I am that happiness that will keep her sober. Am I a total idiot, or am I on the verge of throwing away a potentially wonderful relationship because of what a year and a half of using did to her? I can accept and support her through a relapse, but I won't share her and it will take me some time to get past her making me feel inadequate.
Like I said, I am lost and confused. We have had some great time together. I only told about the negative part of our time together but there is so much good between us, just not enough time to type it all!
Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
Well, the visits never happened, she always found a reason to put it off. I learned that she also had ateast one other fella waiting for her return too. I communicated via her phone, but supposedly with her sister while she was in ICU through 5 separate surgeries.
After 9 months of this, and more lies than I can tell about in one sitting, she came back. She was thin and frail, sick a lot, blamed the chemo. She assured me the other fella was all a misunderstanding and she was only interested in me and us spending our lives together. I asked her to move in with me, and she did. I wrote off all the previous lies and never questioned her about it, deciding the past is past and she seemed so in love with meand sincere.
After only two weeks living with me, things got bad fast. She would get anxious in the evenings and would have to leave. A girlfriend had a problem, drunk friend needed a ride home, something all the time. She would leave, then a half-hour or so later would text that something came up and she'd be longer than expected. Of course I suspected another man, but couldn't understand why anyone with any sense would move in with me and move her 16 year old daughter in too, only to be sleeping around and jeapordize everything.
Anyway, five weeks ago it hit the fan. She had been sick and throwing up all day, sweating and just really sick. I went to the store and sbe sai sbe was going to try and take a nap. While I was at the store she called and said she was leaving for a bit but would be home soon. I'd had enough! I told her no, if she wasn't home when I got back, don't come back except to move her stuff and in with whoever it is she was sleeping with. She began to break down, and started explaining she wss going to get perkaset (spelling?) so she wouldn't be so sick, and she began painfully telling about her addiction that she had been trying so hard to stop but it had gone totally out of control. I began to finally put the pieces together.
So, she melts down for the next week, coming clean about her lies, no cancer but she told me that because she was too ashamed to tell me the truth about herself. She was married when she moved in with me, moved out of her husband's home and into mine. I had no idea, she had told me they divorced two years ago and she lived there with her daughter. He filed for divorce less than a week after she moved in with me.
She got into rehab almost 4 weeks ago and she seems to be a different person, more like the amazing and very beautiful woman I fell for 3 years ago. She gets out and starts outpatient this weekend. She has told me that although she has done this for her because she knew she was headed toward death fast, she could not have had the strength without my support. I have been there for her, taking her daughter with me to family counselling sessions with her, and her daughter and I attend AlAnon meetings twice a week. I still love her and wanted to stand by her through this. I want to see her clean and sober.
Okay but here is the kicker. Since she has been in rehab, I was contacted by a fella who was told by her, on the very day I took her to rehab, that she was headed to Italy for her uncle's funeral and would contact him when she returned. Turns out this is a someone she was using as a go-between to get her drugs, and she had already told me about him. She had NOT told me she had slept with him until I asked her directly, and then she admitted to only once and it was earlier in the spring during a high on painkillers and xanax. She said that she led him on in order to have a dependable supplier but it was not a "relationship." Unfortunately, even after her crying and promising during visits that the lies are over and she will be honest about everything, her and his accounts of their relationship differ greatly. He wants nothing more to do with her, and she told her counselor that she can stay clean by simply staying away from him, her supplier. wow
So my dilemma is this; I love her dearly. I said I love "her" dearly, not the things she has done. I love her daughter just like my own, she has stayed with me during her mom's rehab and we have spent a lot of evenings just talking about all this and offering support to one another. Part of me wants to get her home, stand by her, and support her through her recovery. Another part of me wants to get her home and tell her its time to move on because she has caused irreparable damage to my trust in her. I am afraid that doing that will guarantee a relapse though, she says she is not the person she was on the drugs though and she will prove it. She says she wants to stay sober and that I am the happiness she needed in order to get sober and I am that happiness that will keep her sober. Am I a total idiot, or am I on the verge of throwing away a potentially wonderful relationship because of what a year and a half of using did to her? I can accept and support her through a relapse, but I won't share her and it will take me some time to get past her making me feel inadequate.
Like I said, I am lost and confused. We have had some great time together. I only told about the negative part of our time together but there is so much good between us, just not enough time to type it all!
Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 29
Hmm...my first thought is, do you really know what she is like sober? Part of you wants to be supportive, but another part says to be careful. Trust is important in any relationship. Think I read this saying somewhere on these forums, but I'll share. A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it still isn't going anywhere.
Ultimately, though, it's your decision. And don't hold yourself accountable for her relapses if you decide to not go with the relationship...that's totally on her.
Ultimately, though, it's your decision. And don't hold yourself accountable for her relapses if you decide to not go with the relationship...that's totally on her.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Western Washington
Posts: 202
I agree with EternalNow. I would try to take it as slow as possible. Not give her any money or other things that might support a relapse, but give her a chance to prove over a long period of time that she is trustworthy. But I would be careful. Sounds like she is very skilled at manipulating the men in her life to get what she wants.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi and welcome RunninEmpty 
I know you're focusing on the 'bad bits' here but there's quite a lot of that - some really audacious lies.
I've loved people dearly...people who just simply weren't right for me.
Only you can make that decision.
Do understand tho, if you do tell her to move on, you're not responsible for whatever she decides to do then.
If, as she says, she really wants to be sober and she's used her rehab time wisely, she will have garnered more than enough support to lean on, even if you're no longer there.
D
I know you're focusing on the 'bad bits' here but there's quite a lot of that - some really audacious lies.
I've loved people dearly...people who just simply weren't right for me.
Only you can make that decision.
Do understand tho, if you do tell her to move on, you're not responsible for whatever she decides to do then.
If, as she says, she really wants to be sober and she's used her rehab time wisely, she will have garnered more than enough support to lean on, even if you're no longer there.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: far far away, ky
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the input. Yes, I knew her sober for roughly a year. Although I am not sure when she began using, she says she did right before she told me that she was getting a divorce. Her ex told me, in a 3+ hour conversation we had, that he first noticed the changes in her about a year after she started working where I work so his and her time frame works. She was great then, and not the same person she has become.
In her defense, she has had a very difficult past and family situation, and was sexually abused by a male and female step-siblings when she was around 8. This is, according to her ex, her second bout with abuse. She went into rehab before after he left her over it, and she walked out after a week. Sh managed to stay sober for about 5 years though. She tells me that she thought after detox zhe had beat it, but realizes now that all she did was beat the physical part and the withdrawal pain but skipping out on the psychological therapy was where she made her mistake and she don't intend to mess it up again.
So yes, I want to believe in her and I know I can if she isn't lying again. It's hard for me, after ove a year of endless lies, to separate the clean her from the using her, and I instinctively question every statement she makes right now.
I will reply more later, I gotta get to work. Thanks again to all!
In her defense, she has had a very difficult past and family situation, and was sexually abused by a male and female step-siblings when she was around 8. This is, according to her ex, her second bout with abuse. She went into rehab before after he left her over it, and she walked out after a week. Sh managed to stay sober for about 5 years though. She tells me that she thought after detox zhe had beat it, but realizes now that all she did was beat the physical part and the withdrawal pain but skipping out on the psychological therapy was where she made her mistake and she don't intend to mess it up again.
So yes, I want to believe in her and I know I can if she isn't lying again. It's hard for me, after ove a year of endless lies, to separate the clean her from the using her, and I instinctively question every statement she makes right now.
I will reply more later, I gotta get to work. Thanks again to all!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 114
Best of luck. It sounds like a lot of weigh in on. I've been on the fence before, where I had to decide between my head and my heart--it's never easy. Try to pay attention to whichever voice helps you, above all, happy.
Sorry I can't offer more. You will find support here so keep sharing.
Take care.
Sorry I can't offer more. You will find support here so keep sharing.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: far far away, ky
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by tim68 
This relationship was founded on lies and deceit. It will NEVER work. I've been there once upon a time.
I couldn't agree more with Mentium above^^. Get out now while you can.
I couldn't agree more with Mentium above^^. Get out now while you can.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi RE,
maybe check out the friends-and-family section here on SR...
tough days ahead, no matter what you decide.
maybe you need make no decision just right now?
go for a walk and breathe. deeply. by yourself.
maybe check out the friends-and-family section here on SR...
tough days ahead, no matter what you decide.
maybe you need make no decision just right now?
go for a walk and breathe. deeply. by yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 314
The lies she told you AND other men are SO HUGE: cancer, trips to Italy, a secret husband, etc. Based on this I would get away as soon as possible! I still can't believe she let you believe she might be dying, how painful for you. I'm more than a bit flabbergasted at her callousness. If you do ask her to leave, and she continues to work on herself, it might work somewhere down the road. But right now, there is no way I would trust this woman to tell me anything but lies.
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