chelmas2

Hi, well I am new to this whole chat/posting thing so I hope I am doing this rite. Anyway, I am at a loss for answers and stumbled upon this website in search of those answers, so I thought hey maybe I can learn something here. About me- I am a daughter of an alcoholic, 42 years old, divorced, and have had a few relationships with alcoholics that never worked out. So here is my dilemma. I have a boyfriend we been together about a month. We have been friends for about a year. Before we started getting serious, we had the whole talk about I know he's an alcoholic and I don't want to do this with him and he said he knows he drinks too much and that he is going to cut back. So it's been a month now and well honestly I don't really see him cutting back- he says he has and maybe he has I don't know bc I don't see him every day. Regardless, the amount that he is drinking I know is still too much weather or not it is less than before or not. So I been looking through some of these forums and others and the situations seem to be similar- my bf/husb is great when he's sober but changes when he drinks. We get along fine when he's sober, he's abusive when he drinks etc, etc...

Well I have a whole other situation- my boyfriend is pretty much the same weather he is drinking or not! He is respectful, loving and nurturing and half the time you cant even notice that he's been drinking. Even though we only been in a committed relationship a month, we have been in a informal relationship for a year and we love each other a lot, get along great, can talk and laugh together a lot. However, common sence, experience, and what little I know about alcoholism, and the things I read in these forums, tells me I should walk away. I'm just wondering if that is always the best thing to do! I mean it doesn't really bother me when he drinks other than the thought that I know he's drinking too much and it's affecting his health. But other than that, nothing really changes between us. We get along great weather he's drinking or not. So i'm just wondering if he makes me really happy (I mean happier than I ever been), and his drinking isn't affecting how we relate and interact with each other and he's not turning into a jerk or being abusive when he's drinking, then why should I walk away? Is it possible to have a relatively healthy relationship with an alcoholic? Do you walk away because they drink too much or do you walk away bc of their bad behavior? Also is it ok to give them an ultimatum, ie- it's me or the alcohol- and do they always choose alcohol over the person? Do ultimatums ever work?

hopelove16

I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband and I both had terrible drinking problems, but I would be the problem and he would have 24 beers and still seem fine. He finally quit when I did, but I never understood how he could be OK after so much and I was a lunatic. I think there is a problem regardless of the way he acts while drinking. You really need to get to know him for himself (sober) and drinking too much is getting in the way of that it seems.

iSPAZ

Chelmas2 - There is a friends and family section and you will get more support in that arena. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information In my experience the ultimatums do not work. Plus you have to be sure you are strong enough to stand behind the ultimatum which is easier said than done. They have to get to a point in which they are ready to quit. Nothing we say or do will usually sway their decision. Alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse over time. If you are having a tough time with it now it will be far more difficult in the years to come. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism and you will know more about what you are dealing with to make a better decision for yourself. I too grew up in an alcoholic home and have spent a considerable amount of time trying to understand how it has impacted my decision making.