lablife

I find myself in a odd position tonight. I found myself really missing my partner in crime "Justice" tonight, my 15 year old lab. It really hit me hard due to the fact that I have spent my whole life emotionless. See I did not grow up with any family, I was raised by the state and throughout my first 16 years of life I was in over 50 foster homes. Obviously this was a problem that I had prior to using oxy, but I had never actually thought about it until tonight. Now looking back I chose to alway's just walk away when it involved emotions. The first reason was that I had a serious violent side, alway's have. I hit a point even very young that I knew that I could not control this emotion, and once it hit that point I could not stop it, and someone was getting hurt. Then once I was into girls I would just walk away instead of working on the problem, I guess looking back I just didn't know how to deal with the emotion. Once I joined the Army I was in heaven. Now I had a family, and was free to fight anytime I wanted. I thrived in this environment, and would still be there if some dirka hadn't blown me and my dog up. Every single relationship that I've been in I have eventually walked away from. I have never thought about any of this until tonight.

It's not necessarily making me want to take another pill or anything, but now I know that it was so much easier handling these situations while I was taking them. I don't think I've ever felt this kind of sadness before, and I have lost a lot of brothers in the last few years. Could this be the medication still leaving my system? Am I going crazy? Not real sure how to deal with this right now. Sorry for the lost post, just feels a little better to type it out.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your sadness lablife.

I know I felt things a lot more when I quit.

It was like drink was the dam holding all this stuff back, some of it years old...

It's a bit of a flash flood, but it will all settle given time.

don't forget there's a lot of support here

D

Marcher13

Hi lablife, I don't think you are going crazy at all, you are feeling grief and loss so you miss Justice. That makes perfect sense, those are not the feelings of a crazy person.

I would argue with Pills didn't make handling those situations easier, they made masking your feelings easier. When you become capable of feeling loss and grief you also become capable of feeling great joy and love.

Remember the good things -- I'm sure there were many -- about Justice. He's waiting for you somewhere we don't know about yet.

Notimetoloose

You have a lot to say, I am glad that it has helped some to type it out...

I believe we need to say and talk about these things that cause us to feel such sadness and pain...I was listening to a doco and they were talking about looking at the brain scans when people are deep in prayer and the scan was identical to someone having an intent conversation.

Whether we pay someone to listen to us or have a trusted friend to talk with or it is a prayer, I think it is important that we talk about it...I find it so hard to do, talk about was causes me such sadness but when I do I feel considerably better and lighter.

You have been through a lot and doing are doing a lot of work...feeling the full floodlight light of our emotions is tough...and I have heard that it will getter better with time!..Take care.

Jeni26

Hi lablife. No, you're not going crazy, this is a normal part of recovery. Emotion comes out of nowhere especially if you have had a lot of sadness in your life. I'm sorry you had such a difficult time as a kid, little wonder you find it so hard to form attachments.

Have you ever thought about counselling? Therapy helped me with this.

The good news is that it isn't just negative emotions you learn to feel. Once that box has been opened it is also possible to feel love, joy, happiness, excitement.

Best wishes to you.

Verte

Hey Lablife...you are definitely not alone with feeling a deep well of sadness during recovery.

Checking in with my therapist has really helped with coming up with short and long term plans to 'sit with and work through' whatever emotions surface.

Alphaomega has a guided meditation link from a few days ago - really helpful for moving through uncomfortable moments.

In my experience, emotions rise and then fade away. It can be confusing and uncomfortable but it will pass. Try not to assign blame or pass judgement...it makes everything feel so much worse, less tolerable.

Mindfulness training teaches that as well. Notice the emotions...and then let them pass. Try not to dwell or 'solve' something.

You are learning new skills Lablife...skills that will help all the emotions and experiences that are part of you feel less loaded, less intense. This is a challenge for everyone achieving sobriety, I think. You are totally not alone!

tim68

PM me anytime my friend. It gets better with time. You and I probably have more in common than you realize. Remember substances do nothing but cover up your pain and make you pay for it dearly when they wear off. You don't need that stuff. You can work through this. You have been through a lot in your life. I know your up for the challenge!

lablife

Thanks everyone, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not having some type of mental break. I didn't mean to make it sound like I had a bad childhood, actually it was a lot of fun. I just don't think that I learned any of the coping skills needed to be emotionally sound. I had never thought about it until I was sad last night. I never get sad, so I felt like a fish out of water. Even if you take away the addiction, I have a lot to work on I'm finding out. I may go talk to someone sometime, but it scares me. I have had friends who tried to do the right thing and "talk" to the VA therapists and ended up on the black list, having their guns taken away, and treated like criminals. Like I said it didn't really make me want to use, it was just a revalation to recall how dead I was inside while taking. And thanks Tim, I may take you up on that.