The legal system
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
Loved your "quit for evil" pun in the other thread kitty-in-a-suit 
You bring up some interesting points and I gotta a couple additions.
Yepper! The courts are there to help, as best they can. You gotta work with them, not against them. They're gonna win anyway.
In my case, I got standing in the oddest way. I was arrested MANY times during my many years of insanity. All by my local police force. The cops, prosecutor and judge all know me. Now that they're seeing me sober, they're working with me, as best they can, to help my daughter. One cop told me recently he was proud of me. Another said he thought I was dead (because he hadn't heard from me for so long). I tell them, every chance I get, I love them all, because I do.
My youngest, a girl, is 18 too. She's in school in CA right now. She'll be back in a month and will probably continue her education locally for financial reasons. We don't know yet if she's going to live with me, or on campus. In any event, she'll still be around me and therefore I can, and will, have an influence on her.
My son, now 19, joined the U.S. Navy 2 months ago. I just attended his boot camp graduation near Chicago. He's now learning how to drive a submarine, or something. I'll still be an influence on him but the Navy will be more for the next few years at least. I see this as a very good thing.
My oldest, my other daughter, moved to Texas with a truck driver then passing through NJ about 4 years ago when she was 19. She was fed up with me and with the crowd she had fallen in with. She, and her Texas boyfriend, are now back here living with me for the last year. I've had a tremendous influence on her life. First good, then quite bad for several years, now, hopefully good again. I believe she needs me now as much as she ever did, maybe more. This was a major incentive for me to finally sober up, for good with God's help.
I believe they all still need me, and always will. I'm older and wiser. Now that I'm sober, the wisdom of my years can come out. I hope to be a positive influence on my grand children some day too.
You bring up some interesting points and I gotta a couple additions.
Originally Posted by Notmyrealname 
Off the top of my head, you don't have a cause of action against the court system because (1) you lack standing; (2) the courts have immunity; (3) you simply don't have a cause of action against the court system.
In my case, I got standing in the oddest way. I was arrested MANY times during my many years of insanity. All by my local police force. The cops, prosecutor and judge all know me. Now that they're seeing me sober, they're working with me, as best they can, to help my daughter. One cop told me recently he was proud of me. Another said he thought I was dead (because he hadn't heard from me for so long). I tell them, every chance I get, I love them all, because I do.
Originally Posted by Notmyrealname
I have a daughter too, who is eighteen and going to college this year, so I have thought long and hard about parenting over the years. I think you get eighteen years to do the best you can in raising them and then the chips fall where they're gonna fall. You could do the best job in the universe on your end and your kid might just end up a holy terror and a risk to herself and others, and on the other hand you could be a hard and flawed man who probably lacked in numerous areas of parenting and your kid might despite all that end up a shining star.
Either way, once they hit adulthood, that parenting ship has sailed out of the harbor. You do what you can to be helpful and friendly, but if junior is hell-bent on being a crashed and burning wreck there's little you can do about it at this late stage of the game.
Either way, once they hit adulthood, that parenting ship has sailed out of the harbor. You do what you can to be helpful and friendly, but if junior is hell-bent on being a crashed and burning wreck there's little you can do about it at this late stage of the game.
My son, now 19, joined the U.S. Navy 2 months ago. I just attended his boot camp graduation near Chicago. He's now learning how to drive a submarine, or something
. I'll still be an influence on him but the Navy will be more for the next few years at least. I see this as a very good thing.My oldest, my other daughter, moved to Texas with a truck driver then passing through NJ about 4 years ago when she was 19. She was fed up with me and with the crowd she had fallen in with. She, and her Texas boyfriend, are now back here living with me for the last year. I've had a tremendous influence on her life. First good, then quite bad for several years, now, hopefully good again. I believe she needs me now as much as she ever did, maybe more. This was a major incentive for me to finally sober up, for good with God's help.
I believe they all still need me, and always will. I'm older and wiser. Now that I'm sober, the wisdom of my years can come out. I hope to be a positive influence on my grand children some day too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I understand venting. It is helpful to get that stuff out even if there is nothing we can do about it. We are allowed to get angry and frustrated, it is just what we do with it that matters. Vent away!
It would be nice if we could just fix people like a broke arm or leg. I think it may help if you can try and look at not that she is broken but that she is sick. The sad part is until she realizes she is sick and wants help, there is not much you can do but take care of yourself and pray.
Notmyrealname put it as plainly as it can be said. I have two children. One drinks and the other smokes pot. They are 23 and 25. There is nothing I can do to make them change. I cannot force them to see the road I know is there.
All I can do is be there if they need me but also not let them take advantage of me. They don't and never have up to this point. They are self sufficient even with their demons but that does not mean someday they won't come a knocking.
We really have to let our kids make their own choices. If we don't then we are subject to the guilt we feel and the chances of them placing guilt on us for making a choice for them.
Hang in there, everything is going to be okay
Originally Posted by nonnie
she would be fixed already.
Notmyrealname put it as plainly as it can be said. I have two children. One drinks and the other smokes pot. They are 23 and 25. There is nothing I can do to make them change. I cannot force them to see the road I know is there.
All I can do is be there if they need me but also not let them take advantage of me. They don't and never have up to this point. They are self sufficient even with their demons but that does not mean someday they won't come a knocking.
We really have to let our kids make their own choices. If we don't then we are subject to the guilt we feel and the chances of them placing guilt on us for making a choice for them.
Hang in there, everything is going to be okay
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
I rarely tell my kids what to do. I advise them, and tell them so. They, of course, get to choose whether they'll listen.
Having been through the hell of addiction myself, I believe I know a thing or two about it. I advise my daughter, cautiously, on how to deal with her addiction. As I know however, from my own experience, it is VERY difficult to advise an insane addict.
Having been through the hell of addiction myself, I believe I know a thing or two about it. I advise my daughter, cautiously, on how to deal with her addiction. As I know however, from my own experience, it is VERY difficult to advise an insane addict.
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
P.S. I think I told you this before Gracie but I love your tag line. In fact, I just put this up on my "Wall of Proclaim" yesterday: "When you're dead and cold, then it's too late. NOT UNITL!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 219
I don't totally agree with the concept that there's NOTHING anyone can do to help someone who isn't ready to quit. It's never someone else's FAULT but...I'm grateful there were people in my life who made remarks about my drinking. Just innocent observations like, There she goes again, headed for the wine" contributed to me realizing I drank differently than those around me and may have a problem....something I already knew deep down. You can't make someone quit but I think loved ones might be able to help in some way. In some cases. Don't interventions ever work?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: S.E. Wisconsin
Posts: 341
It's heartbreaking Nonnie. I lost my firstborn
son due to drug and alcohol abuse. He was
through the system several times with
no real intervention other than jail. I wish
that I had an answer. Once they reach 18,
they make their own decisions. You have
no actual control anymore.
son due to drug and alcohol abuse. He was
through the system several times with
no real intervention other than jail. I wish
that I had an answer. Once they reach 18,
they make their own decisions. You have
no actual control anymore.
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