audreyroscoe

On March 22 my alcoholic boyfriend went on a bender and ended up crashing his truck into a telephone pole. I went to pick him up from the crash site and told him in order for him to continue living with me at my house he needs to take Antabuse so that I was ensured that he was sober. The first month was fine but now he's getting restless and cranky and starting with the whole (and I will quote from the test he sent me this am from work) "Im goin to stop takin my pill because I can make the right choices and if you don't let me do this I won't feel like a man cause I'm told what to do and how to do it".

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this over the past 2 1/2 years and every time I relent and let him do it his way. So my question to all you is should I just throw my hands up and say "whatever?" or should I continue to be firm and say no. On paper the answer seems clear but I am obviously forcing him to do something he has no interest in doing and he fights me tooth and nail every step of the way even withholding intimacy from me because he feels so emasculated. I don't know what's the right thing to do...let him damage his own life to the point that he wants to quit himself or continue to tell him if he wants to be with me he has to quit?

He's trying to compromise with me even saying if we do things his way he will give me "Date night once a week, sober sex twice a week and I keep to my same work routine and I wait til I get home to drink and no drivin and stop at 8 pm."

I desperately need advice. Any and all would be more than welcome. If you haven't already figured out I'm a people pleaser, a codependent who gets main enjoyment out of life from her partner's happiness.

least

How long are you willing to enable his drinking? You're becoming his slave, giving in to his demands in order to have a "normal" relationship. If it were me I'd let him go and make a better life for myself without his demands and bad behavior.

audreyroscoe

You are so right, all I want is a normal relationship.

suki44883

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. If after 2 1/2 years of promises he is still acting the same, what makes you think this time will be different? I can pretty much guarantee you it won't.

If you make an ultimatum, you should be prepared to back it up; otherwise, it's just meaningless words (blah, blah, blah). You need to decide what you truly want basing it on what truly IS right now. He does not want to quit drinking, so he won't. You don't want to live with him if he drinks. So, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

readerbaby71

If there's anything I gained from going to Alanon a few times it's this--no matter what I do I cannot control another person. Period. Things became a lot easier to deal with, detach from and accept since then. There is no way I would have gone forward with my personal growth as much as I have without this realization. I actually had it just from reading a few pamphlets on the concept of detachment and letting go of control.

I'm not a 12-stepper but I took what I needed and left the rest.

There is very little we can control in life, except ourselves. Your boyfriend's not ready to quit drinking. Either you accept him as he is, or decide what it is YOU want out of life.

Good luck to you. I know it's heartbreaking to watch someone you love destroy themselves.

audreyroscoe

Here's what's going on though is I tell him he has to be sober to be with me so he becomes sober. But it's not what he REALLY wants. So I don't know if he should just get what he wants until he decides he no longer wants it. Will he fight with me every step of the way until HE wants to be sober? It's a cycle because I will say I will leave him if he doesn't get sober so he's only staying sober so he doesn't lose me. But that's not enough in the end. I just want HIM to get to a place where HE wants to be sober not because I want him to.

readerbaby71

Wanting him to get sober is just not enough. If he doesn't want to do it for himself he won't. You've already told him that you will leave if doesn't get sober. He isn't holding up his end of the deal.

suki44883

Sounds like you want something he isn't capable of giving you. It doesn't mean you can't have a "normal" relationship, a happy relationship...it's just means you probably can't have it with him.

He has the right to drink; he's an adult and can make his own decisions. You also have the right to decide what you will and will not live with.

audreyroscoe

So I guess in effect I'm asking if my requiring him to take Antabuse is prolonging him from reaching his own desire to stop drinking.

suki44883

Nothing you do or say will stop him from sobriety if that is what HE wants. Just as well, nothing you say or do will cause him to stop drinking. WE are not that powerful. Addiction is.

audreyroscoe

Then I guess he must want sobriety on some level or he wouldn't be staying with me and continuing to take his pill. I just wish the pressure to convince me to let him drink would stop. Ugh, it's so hard.

readerbaby71

He resents you for "making" him take antabuse. He is not interested in sobriety right now. His actions have nothing to do with you or whether he loves you. It's all about the alcohol. You are not going to convince, cajole, or persuade him to do anything he doesn't want to do deep down. He doesn't want to lose you, yet wants to stop taking the antabuse so he can drink. You know this. I'm so sorry. It's such a tough spot to be in. If you've given him an ultimatum maybe it's time to follow through the next time he drinks.

audreyroscoe

rederbaby71 you are spot on and said it better than I did.

readerbaby71

Honestly, I am so very sorry. I've been on both sides. I lost my marriage due to my drinking, and almost lost my alcoholic boyfriend due to his drinking.

audreyroscoe

What did you end up doing if you don't mind my asking?

Anna

My suggestion is to step back and allow your boyfriend to live his life the way he chooses. And, you need to decide how you want to live your life - with him and his drinking or without him. I know this is hard, but I don't believe he wants or intends to stop drinking.

readerbaby71

I started working on me. When I met my BF he didn't drink, and I had no idea how bad his problem was. It's a little different because he had willingly been working on his sobriety before I even met him, but obviously he was not fully committed. I made many ultimatums. The last was in November when he disappeared for two days on a bender. He went to rehab after that and has been doing pretty well. Our relationship's not perfect, but we are both committed to sobriety and being the best people we can be, with or without each other. I won't lie to you, it's tough.

I have grown so much from this experience it's amazing. Even though I'd been in recovery before, I realized that I had really let myself slip. I got back on the horse and started figuring out why I have such a need to take care of others before taking care of myself. It's been painful, exhilarating and empowering. The one thing I know for sure is whether or not our relationship works out, I will be okay. I deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

You did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it and you can't cure it. When I realized this I was on my way to recovery again.

audreyroscoe

Thank you so much you guys. I feel like I'm starting to get my head right and even though he's been sober since March 23 it has been a tough road because he's been fighting with me occasionally about it.

I just got off the phone with him and he said it's the mental thing of being told what to do that has him so resistant instead of him choosing not to drink on his own. He really is quite stubborn in that respect and I do feel like I just need to let him go and do what he feels he needs to do. If we are meant to be together we will be together but right now after all he's put me through I don't have a whole lot of "fight" left in me. It may be the best for me if I just learn to let go. We will either survive or we won't but being stuck in this purgatory space like we are right now is not helping either one of us move forward whether into a better place or a place bad enough I decide I need to leave once and for all.

readerbaby71

The Friends and Family of Alcoholics board here at Sober Recovery has helped me so much. I would not be where I am today without the wisdom and support of the lovely people there. Check it out! xoxox

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

yeahgr8

If you don't have kids together finish it and move on although it sounds like you will have to start your own recovery in Al-anon or CODA or the like otherwise you will find yourself in the same position a few years down the line but with a different boyfriend.

Its strange sometimes reading stories like yours because as a recovered alcoholic i would never, ever put up with crap like that especially not from an addict/alcoholic. But if I'm honest its taken a lot of work to get to that place for me and a few experiences to teach me better!