Mentium

Yesterday I had a real insight into how alcohol has become my enemy and is in no way a 'friend'. I have been drinking for about six weeks after a six month period sober. I started in part because I found AA impossible. The meetings just turned me off, the rituals and the slogans seemed hollow and pointless and research I was reading back then seemed to show that its success rate was very low. I can't blame AA though as I started a couple of weeks before leaving. I really started to drink because the addiction is so powerful in me.

As I say, yesterday, feeling very shaky as a result of a bottle and a half of wine every night for several weeks I found myself thinking about the misery that drinking brings with it for me. There's no avoiding it, it seems. And the two hours every night getting sozzled don't make up for it.

I have tried and tried to quit and I don't know what else to do. I want to make a firm commitment and I know I can quit because I have done so many times. But what seems to happen is that after a few weeks or a few months life starts to feel empty and I get very flat and depressed. Is this the addiction talking to me do you think, or is it something else?

I'm rambling here. To get to the point I am on day one here, feeling pretty crap and am trying again. Advice on what to do 'differently' would be much appreciated.

Oh, one thing I have done is bought a bike. I started cycling every day a week or so ago and I plan to increase that and get a bit fitter too.

Dee74

Welcome back Mentium

for me the basis of my recovery lies in absolutely accepting that my relationship with alcohol is toxic - always has been, always will be.

I fought my pride hard on that one - I didn't want to be the different one, I didn't want to have to change my life, I didn't want to have to surrender and admit defeat....

but I'm glad I did. It opened up a life, and a me, I could not have dreamed of back then
It wasn't an end, but a beginning - truly

It did take some maintenance tho, for quite a long time.
I'd become very good at rationsalising bad decisions...

doggonecarl

If you are judging sobriety by how you feel in a few weeks, or months, that's a mistake. But I will say this...if you are miserable sober you don't have a drinking problem, you have a living problem. Work on changing your outlook.

I'm sought a spiritual solution. I don't know what will fill your void, Mentium, but drink isn't working for you anymore.

least

You must take the option of drinking off the table for good. Accept the fact that you can't drink - ever - and make some changes in your life to accommodate that fact. I couldn't quit drinking until I finally wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

IOAA2

Hi. I had difficulty with ME when I first went to AA. I saw all the people, most of which were not drinking and seemed healthy of mind and I was impressed but couldn't stop drinking my best friend at the time. Fortunately people said KEEP COMING and eventually became very sick and tired of being sick and tired.
In the many years in the fellowship I've seen too many fail and most usually it was because they failed to follow the program and drifted back into undisciplined behavior of times past. It's a fact that it works IF we work it.

BE WELL

Notimetoloose

Change it up...if AA is not your thing, try something else. I like AVRT. It works for me.
There is a secular section here on the site that has some info on AVRT

HeadLump

Welcome back, Mentium. I'm so glad you're trying again Hold on tight to that realisation of alcohol being an enemy and try something other than AA this time. I've found AVRT really helpful.

LBrain

"The moment we decide to stop and look at what is going on (like a swimmer suddenly changing course to swim upstream instead of downstream), we find ourselves battered by powerful currents we had never even suspected - precisely because until that moment we were largely living at their command."
Stephen Batchelor

It is a play on "Stopping is easy, I quit all the time. Staying stopped - can't seem to do that." Followed by a short narrative...

From the book "Beyond Belief agnostic musings for the 12 step life"

It is an alternative to "daily reflections" from the AA folks.

Try to find yourself a copy. I find AA is not my cup of tea either. I couldn't fathom continuing to degrade myself daily for eternity. That doesn't stop me from going to meetings. I can't stand anchovies. But if someone gives me an anchovy pizza, I just remove the anchovies and eat the part I like.

Hevyn

It's good to see you Mentium, but I'm sorry for the despair you're feeling. We all understand.

I was only able to quit when I finally convinced myself (as Dee said) alcohol is toxic to me. I can't touch it. One drink always leads to 10. Then more the next day - and so on. My last attempt at having 'a few' led to years of daily drinking. It got harder each time to get my life back together. I know I'm looking at an early death if I ever pick up again. It's finally easy to accept that - I'm no longer resentful or feel like I'm missing out. I'm free. You will be too. Keep talking to us.

Renarde

Welcome back Mentium. Wish I could give you a hug. Can you join a class here again? That was a good start for you before. Do you have a therapist?

instant

Boredom, restlessness, periodic hubris, general dissatisfaction and a self centred appraoch to life are the things i have struggled with since getting sober - turns out it's not that hard to start and we can begin a new way of being with ourselves and others. I prefer to see this as 'growing up' which alcohol got in the way of (for 30 years LOL)

Just hang in there- we don't have to 'do' anything on the basis of an emotional state or external situation that does not suit us. Things change

yeahgr8

What is this sentence referring to?

Ive just read about AVRT.
I have been really confused about why SR is using the term AV and where it came from, now i know:-)

I prefer the word that Rational Recovery use "The Beast" to AV although i would probably use AV if anyone could hear me!

Mentium

Thanks for all the responses people. I phoned a really level headed AA member I came to respect deeply for his simple (and atheistic) approach to the program after posting. We had a long chat on the phone. He reminded me that the only requirement for attending AA is the desire to stop drinking, and while that might be just a tad ingenuous it is true. AA is the only game in town in my small city and the next nearest city is a long way away. The fact is I can't do it alone, so AA it is I think. There are atheist and agnostic versions of the Steps and traditions and such and I have certainly re-interpreted the Steps myself as stages in a therapeutic approach to recovering - a way to address the reasons why drinking might have been so 'appealing' to my psyche.

Anyway I am meeting my old AA mate for a coffee before a meeting tonight and then it is back to using my version of the 'program' to do my version of recovery.

IOAA2

Hi. I pounded my head and body for too long trying different ways that didn't work for me until I STUDIED the following until it "clicked."

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

BE WELL

heath480

Mentium good news you are going back to the meetings.

GotGrace

Hi Mentium! Just wanted to say I am glad to see you again and to give you my support. I am sorry you are frustrated right now, but I know you will succeed. I hope the meeting goes well tonight. I am glad you have a friend you can confide in and who will walk through this with you. Have a great day!

Mentium

(Edit: This is in response to the post two above above)

I'm not sure what you are trying to say here. I can't believe in something supernatural by force of will. I am going back because it offers group support and I will try to follow the program as it appears to me - an atheist.

Croissant

Hi Mentium. Sobriety is something that for me, I have to invest time into. I know you have too, but it's more than just being sober. Some times you have to scream back a the AV that you WILL NOT let it reclaim your life.

I think you need to examine also why you picked up? I know the times I have, I gave up and let autopilot take over.

If I can say...sometimes we need to be aware that overconfidence can be our worst enemy.

One of my other tools is being open to others methods for recovery, someone recommended a book here "The Heart of Addiction", which speaks to the reasons why we gravitate to our addictive / alcoholic behaviours when under stress. Having it as an option is actually a big comfort to us....we all know that buzz of going to buy it rarely lives up to the actual consuming of it. Anyway...it's just been a good recent read.

FreeOwl

Could it be that AA was not your 'thing' because you've yet to accept sobriety as your "thing"?

I get it... don't get me wrong. AA rubbed me wrong too, for many years. And all through those years I kept on drinking and suffering and bringing myself more and more misery.

But - by golly - AA sure as hell wasn't "My Thing".

Neither - it turns out - was sobriety.

I don't necessarily view AA as 'My Thing' now, but I use it as a part of my sobriety. I have read the Big Book numerous times and have done so without prejudice, finally. I have gone to meetings that have brought me great insight, even joy. I have gone to meetings that have been miserable and I've suffered through them wondering "WTF am I even DOING here?".

I have skipped going to meetings for months at a time - then jumped back in when I felt called to.

Being humble enough to lay aside my judgement and see AA as a gift has been incredibly helpful to me. It is a GIFT. It is always-there, wherever I go, free of charge and filled with real, actual, one-on-one PEOPLE who get it and who want to see me succeed in sobriety.

I wish you well....

Mentium

Thanks once more to those who have responded. Croissant - read some reviews of The Heart of Addiction and found it in download format. Just read the first few pages. Looks interesting.

FreeOwl. Wise words if I may say and ones for me to learn from.