BrendonM

I work in a lab, and while I thought I had hit rock bottom, I was obviously wrong, because yesterday I was this close to taking a bottle of 100% ethanol. The fact that I entertained the notion and put my shoes on and needed an entire 10 minutes to talk myself out is horrible. My entire journey towards recovery has been based on the idea that I'm worth more, how can a degenerate like me ever get better? I didn't drink this weekend, but somehow I still feel like a scumbag just for thinking the thoughts I did.

Stealing pure ethanol from a lab, how low can you go?

castlefan

I actually think you should be proud of yourself. You didn't drink this weekend, and you didn't give into the thought to take the ethanol. We can't control our thoughts but we can control our actions and you did just that.

doggonecarl

I remember browsing the stock room shelves for stuff that would get me high.

I had a job in the chemistry department of the university I went to. Called myself an ex-addict as I had "quit" a 12-year drug spree before enrolling in school. I was 30. But given access to various substances, the addict in me responded. That's what addiction does, Brendon. It doesn't mean you are a degenerate. But it does mean you will take extraordinary measures to feed your addiction--to whatever--and more importantly, will go to extraordinary lengths to justify doing it. Again, addiction.

Now it's time to take extraordinary measures to get better.

Croissant

But you did talk yourself out. You see there's a problem. You know it needs to be fixed.

Have you been to your Doctor and discussed that you are an alcoholic, Brendon?

Ruby2

You aren't a degenerate just because you thought about it. You didn't take the ethanol. That is what the addiction does. It wants to feed itself. I've seen people swigging listerine on the street at 6 a.m. When I went to rehab no one was allowed cologne or after shave. Desperate people do desperate things. You fought through it. You won, not the addiction. Hang in there.

alphaomega

This disease is horrible.

You are not horrible.

Stick with us.

biminiblue

I'm not sure if there is a magical moment when those thoughts don't come. It is habitual response to outside stimulus.

I'm hoping the thoughts to use will diminish with time. I think they must, otherwise no one would stay sober.

Great job in saying "no". One day at a time, one incident at a time.
You're doing really well.

jan1664

Well done for saying no - from what I have read on this site today, by you saying no today was a massive positive

Wastinglife

When I had finally hit bottom, my gf had kicked me out of the house and I moved to my parents' house out of desperation. They knew of my drinking problem and locked away their booze before I got there. The first night I spent there, I drank an entire bottle of Listerine mouthwash that of course my parents never would have considered I'd drink. I was in rehab 2 weeks later.

Have you sought out any professional help?

bigsombrero

I was a successful business professional in a suit and tie. But I hid vodka in mini-shampoo bottles so I could bring it with me on a flight. A friend of mine is a good-looking family man. But he was drinking pure hand sanitizer in his basement to hide from his wife.

You have read the stories from others here on this thread. You're definitely not alone. Right now the best thing we can do is be honest with ourselves about our problem - and most importantly, find a way to quit.

You can do it! And you can get over the shame and go on to lead a healthy life! It starts with dedicating yourself and reaching out - glad you're here!

Anna

This disease knows no bounds, but that it will destroy us if we let it.

Good for you for getting through this.

Aellyce

If it helps your state of mind: I also work in a laboratory environment and had thoughts like that previously. I never mixed drinking and work in the everyday sense (except work related parties), so I had plenty of work days feeling totally like *** with hangovers. That's when I sometimes had those ideas, to do something about my horrible hangovers...

It's the addicted mind generating those thoughts, don't beat yourself up for it. You did the right thing to beat the urge.

ru12

Thought just are: they come and they go. What matters is what you do with your thoughts. Hang in there buddy.

Nonsensical

My AV loves it when I feel like a scumbag. Low self-esteem is his ticket to ride.

Let's keep some perspective. If I had to reprimand myself for every socially unacceptable thought that went through my bulbous head I'd never stop kicking my own butt. You had access to 100% ethanol and you didn't drink it. You told your AV NO! That's called hitting a new HIGH, my friend.

Well done.

Dee74

Hi Brendon. You are more than your addiction.

It sounds like time for you to make some decisions tho, lest you find an even worse bottom....

How are you going to proceed from here?

D

Hevyn

Brendon, It's great you wanted to talk about this. That in itself is progress.

I had similar shameful thoughts, and some I acted on. It was all part of the process of getting well. I went through many phases. You triumphed over that temptation. As the other responses here confirm - you did well, considering what might have happened. Please be patient with yourself.

ChickChick

You are not a degenerate. Say something nice about yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself. You did the right thing and walked away. You can beat this!

BrendonM

Thanks everyone, its been rough, but I'm not the only person to have thoughts like that, and I know you guys aren't scumbags. I've just always been hard on myself because I am mad at not being able just resist and not have to struggle with dark thoughts. I just want to yell at my brain and make it behave.

Verte

Agar plates make me gag.

I've poured zillions and at the time, while working alone with a lot of time on my hands, contemplated how anything would grow and thrive on something that smells so grotesque.

But if I was starving I can honestly say I would contemplate eating agar.

Yes, be gentle with yourself Brain's are tricky.

jaynie04

Brendon, we all have thoughts about a lot of things, all day every day. This morning the woman in front of me dropping off her daughters at school decided to get out of her car and clean out the coffee cups, with 5 cars waiting behind her in line. I am not going to type what went through my mind as I glared over the dashboard at her spandexed rear end…..Suffice it to say, I did not act on my thoughts.

I think we are really tuned in to our sobriety, so when thoughts do cross our minds we are like …"SQUIRREL!!!". Up - Dug the Talking Dog - "Squirrel !" - YouTube

I think knowing that you are likely to have these thoughts will make them less scary, and I have a very strong feeling that they will start to dissipate as time goes on.