A final try
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 25
A final try
Hello Folks.
Well - I don't no where to start really but I do know I have to stop. Hopefully this post will help get my thoughts together as I suppose I'm in quite a dark place at the moment.
The reason to stop is probably easier to explain; last week I was on holiday and it was a particularly bad week. I live on my own in quite a quiet place and I think that's part of the problem, drinking is a way of escaping. So, a heavy binging week - I can quite easily get through half a litre of vodka in a session.
On Thursday it was more however. On the Friday I woke up pretty rough, pins and needles in the arms (never had that before - it was scary and I couldn't sit down, just had to keep pacing around) it eventually went away so a Friday evening drink just to feel less anxious. The pins and needles came back the next day - but in the face, the legs feet arms even on the chest.
So the decision to stop is an easy one - I feel that if I carry on drinking any more it's going to lead to serious medical problems. I've stopped drinking.
The pins and needles have gone away but the withdrawals are here, it probably wasn't a good idea going cold turkey but I think if I carried on even one more day it would be seriously detrimental. I've had some hot and cold flushes, anxiety (feeling very anxious at the moment - think that's is making me think things are worse than they are), a little bit of sweating that comes and goes, some light-headedness, I can't sleep at all but the most undesirable is the odd involuntary twitches in the legs I've had a couple of times which is weird.
I am eating though and keeping the water levels steady and I've resisted drinking to sooth the symptoms (and actually I just don't think that'll work any more) - I just don't have a lot of people to speak to, especially at this time of night (just past midnight). So I'm writing it down instead.
I've been drinking for many years, perhaps it was a mistake to have a glass of wine with my dinner at my Gran's at 14, I liked it, but it would be a few years more until my drinking turned to binging. That was around 21 I suppose, I had a job I didn't like and was sometimes confrontational - drinking was just a way to wash it away. It's kind of stayed like that. I had bouts where I didn't drinking at all, then go back to it. I quite that job and went to University where it was a lot of social drinking, but I got my work done and got a master degree in engineering - I have a steady job, I guess I'm what you call a functional alcoholic.
It's has steadily gotten worse, especially over the last 6-12 months. I usually just enjoyed a bottle of red wine in an evening or a few real ales, you kid yourself that drinking wine makes you sophisticated - but it eventually became spirits. Last week has frightened me in to saying it now has to be nothing. Bouts of sobriety have ended in the past due to stress and alcohol is an easy, for the sake of my health I just can't do that any more. Medical weed? Well, that's just substitution and getting high would probably make it easier to give in to any craving.
I am worried though, about the withdrawal, about staying sober - the anxiety from the withdrawal is driving that ever more. What's quite interesting is that if I don't have a drink, I don't have massive cravings (perhaps now and again), but once I start I find it incredibly hard to stop at just one - and the tolerance levels are pretty high that a single beer does nothing but line the stomach. Not being able to sleep and not being drunk just makes you think about things more and why does your mind wonder to worst case scenario?
Well I'm not sure how many words that is, probably too many for a first post. I'll try and find some solace in the words.
Cheers
GP
Well - I don't no where to start really but I do know I have to stop. Hopefully this post will help get my thoughts together as I suppose I'm in quite a dark place at the moment.
The reason to stop is probably easier to explain; last week I was on holiday and it was a particularly bad week. I live on my own in quite a quiet place and I think that's part of the problem, drinking is a way of escaping. So, a heavy binging week - I can quite easily get through half a litre of vodka in a session.
On Thursday it was more however. On the Friday I woke up pretty rough, pins and needles in the arms (never had that before - it was scary and I couldn't sit down, just had to keep pacing around) it eventually went away so a Friday evening drink just to feel less anxious. The pins and needles came back the next day - but in the face, the legs feet arms even on the chest.
So the decision to stop is an easy one - I feel that if I carry on drinking any more it's going to lead to serious medical problems. I've stopped drinking.
The pins and needles have gone away but the withdrawals are here, it probably wasn't a good idea going cold turkey but I think if I carried on even one more day it would be seriously detrimental. I've had some hot and cold flushes, anxiety (feeling very anxious at the moment - think that's is making me think things are worse than they are), a little bit of sweating that comes and goes, some light-headedness, I can't sleep at all but the most undesirable is the odd involuntary twitches in the legs I've had a couple of times which is weird.
I am eating though and keeping the water levels steady and I've resisted drinking to sooth the symptoms (and actually I just don't think that'll work any more) - I just don't have a lot of people to speak to, especially at this time of night (just past midnight). So I'm writing it down instead.
I've been drinking for many years, perhaps it was a mistake to have a glass of wine with my dinner at my Gran's at 14, I liked it, but it would be a few years more until my drinking turned to binging. That was around 21 I suppose, I had a job I didn't like and was sometimes confrontational - drinking was just a way to wash it away. It's kind of stayed like that. I had bouts where I didn't drinking at all, then go back to it. I quite that job and went to University where it was a lot of social drinking, but I got my work done and got a master degree in engineering - I have a steady job, I guess I'm what you call a functional alcoholic.
It's has steadily gotten worse, especially over the last 6-12 months. I usually just enjoyed a bottle of red wine in an evening or a few real ales, you kid yourself that drinking wine makes you sophisticated - but it eventually became spirits. Last week has frightened me in to saying it now has to be nothing. Bouts of sobriety have ended in the past due to stress and alcohol is an easy, for the sake of my health I just can't do that any more. Medical weed? Well, that's just substitution and getting high would probably make it easier to give in to any craving.
I am worried though, about the withdrawal, about staying sober - the anxiety from the withdrawal is driving that ever more. What's quite interesting is that if I don't have a drink, I don't have massive cravings (perhaps now and again), but once I start I find it incredibly hard to stop at just one - and the tolerance levels are pretty high that a single beer does nothing but line the stomach. Not being able to sleep and not being drunk just makes you think about things more and why does your mind wonder to worst case scenario?
Well I'm not sure how many words that is, probably too many for a first post. I'll try and find some solace in the words.
Cheers
GP
Last edited by GoingPostal; 04-29-2014 at 04:40 PM. Reason: clarity of though
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey GP, Welcome to the Forum! 
Don't be worrying on how long your post is, let it all out, you'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Have you seen a Dr? withdrawals can be serious, just so that your safe!!
Don't be worrying on how long your post is, let it all out, you'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Have you seen a Dr? withdrawals can be serious, just so that your safe!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 25
I've seen Doctors in the past, even tried a councillor but I don't really trust people so it didn't really work (only have a couple of close friends) - with a forum the (perceived at least) anonymity is a shield from that.
I haven't this time (trying to get appointments isn't a next day thing) but as I said, I just felt I had to stopped right then because continuing would be worse than withdrawal. I've been through this before, I feel more determined this time.
I haven't this time (trying to get appointments isn't a next day thing) but as I said, I just felt I had to stopped right then because continuing would be worse than withdrawal. I've been through this before, I feel more determined this time.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Originally Posted by GoingPostal 
What's quite interesting is that if I don't have a drink, I don't have massive cravings (perhaps now and again), but once I start I find it incredibly hard to stop at just one GP
You've come to a great place for support. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 25
Thanks all - I will get my BP checked.
That's the most worrying bit for me. The begin to feel better bit. The bit where I'll then start to convince myself that the odd drink will be okay and the cycle starts again - but I do have the incentive this time so I need to remind my future self that I started to notice my legs and hands were feeling weaker (using two hands to pick up a cup and being weary of walking downstairs if I can't hold the banister - pretty sure work colleagues have noticed the former) over the last few months especially after a weekend binge and then cumulating in the pins and needles.
I have to stop for good this time.
Originally Posted by Anna
That's why stopping completely is the way to solve the problem, begin to feel better and to recover.
I have to stop for good this time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 361
The anxiety is the worst. I too am socially isolated and you really start to get in your own head about everything. I'm right where you are. It really sucks here, but it can only get better!
Also, don't smoke! I smoked after taking some time off drinking and it threw me into a panic attack that lead to my latest binge. So don't recommend.
Also, don't smoke! I smoked after taking some time off drinking and it threw me into a panic attack that lead to my latest binge. So don't recommend.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Welcome GP.
Your describe some symptoms which I also have experienced. The craving after the first drink was overwhelming, and was the reason I lost control of the amount I drank.
The thing about staying off it for a day or two, feeling better, and then thinking it will be OK to drink again. Where does that crazy thinking come from?
The memory of the humiliation of even a week or a month ago just does not come to mind. At certain times I seemed to have no effective mental defence against the first drink. Sometimes I found myself drinking with no thought at all, even on the same day I had sworn off.
Then there was the physical damage. Your pins and needles sounds like peripheral neuritus which I believe is indicative of brain damage. Would be wise to see a doctor about what's really going on there. In my case, severe malnutrition was part of the picture. When I drank, which was whenever I could, I didn't eat. My higher brain functions were almost wiped out when I was finally able to stop.
One thing is for sure, I was not going to think my way out of this with such a damaged thinker. I found the help I needed to recover in AA.
I would suggest you give AA a call and perhaps attend a few meetings to check it out.
From what you have told us I am sure you will find many similarities in the way people drank and how they felt.
Your describe some symptoms which I also have experienced. The craving after the first drink was overwhelming, and was the reason I lost control of the amount I drank.
The thing about staying off it for a day or two, feeling better, and then thinking it will be OK to drink again. Where does that crazy thinking come from?
The memory of the humiliation of even a week or a month ago just does not come to mind. At certain times I seemed to have no effective mental defence against the first drink. Sometimes I found myself drinking with no thought at all, even on the same day I had sworn off.
Then there was the physical damage. Your pins and needles sounds like peripheral neuritus which I believe is indicative of brain damage. Would be wise to see a doctor about what's really going on there. In my case, severe malnutrition was part of the picture. When I drank, which was whenever I could, I didn't eat. My higher brain functions were almost wiped out when I was finally able to stop.
One thing is for sure, I was not going to think my way out of this with such a damaged thinker. I found the help I needed to recover in AA.
I would suggest you give AA a call and perhaps attend a few meetings to check it out.
From what you have told us I am sure you will find many similarities in the way people drank and how they felt.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi GP,
I don't have cravings now but I know if I had one drink I would certainly want much more. That is why I stopped. I went to rehab the first time around, relapsed and then quit with my doctor's help this time around. I would go to the doctor to help with the quitting and to ask about the pins and needles. I get those in my arms at night if I sleep on my back. For me it is related to circulatory issues brought on by smoking.
Welcome here.
I don't have cravings now but I know if I had one drink I would certainly want much more. That is why I stopped. I went to rehab the first time around, relapsed and then quit with my doctor's help this time around. I would go to the doctor to help with the quitting and to ask about the pins and needles. I get those in my arms at night if I sleep on my back. For me it is related to circulatory issues brought on by smoking.
Welcome here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 25
Thanks all.
Gottalife - I don't currently have any desire to get back on the booze - it was just some thinking out loud that down the road when I'm feeling back on top of things, will that inner voice say, well everything's okay now, just don't drink that much again.
I put all those ill effects down to a particularly long and hard binge most of last week - I wasn't eating properly and wasn't taking the vitamin supplements and that compounded the issue.
I do have at least some level of self control because I need to hold down quite an intellectually demanding job, so drinking before going to work has never happened and remarkably, I've rarely had an issue getting up at 6-7am to get into work - I haven't been late for more than a couple of days in over four years and the desire to drink at work isn't really there - occasionally I'd find myself thinking how nice a cool pint of Guinness will taste when I get back home, but most of the time the nature of my work needs my concentration.
The problem is in the downtime, if I know I don't have any obligations, having that first drink had very little opposition because the only person affected would be myself - actually there is something else that's affected - the cleanliness of the house and garden, so that's probably something to concentrate on getting tidied up because previously the drink would win vs. housework (the kitchen needs a serious sort out). I used to think that the drinking was down to enjoying the taste of different wines and beers and just getting that relaxed feeling, but when it changed to vodka the situation changed.
I needed that wake up call to get myself to stop. I don't feel humiliated, bit embarrassed about seeing all those bottles in the recycling bin perhaps and due to the fact I'd go to different shops on different days shows I was trying to hide how much I have been drinking from other people.
Just need to take it one day at a time and find something else other than the alcohol when I'm feeling stressed, because I know that's big trigger for me.
Gottalife - I don't currently have any desire to get back on the booze - it was just some thinking out loud that down the road when I'm feeling back on top of things, will that inner voice say, well everything's okay now, just don't drink that much again.
I put all those ill effects down to a particularly long and hard binge most of last week - I wasn't eating properly and wasn't taking the vitamin supplements and that compounded the issue.
I do have at least some level of self control because I need to hold down quite an intellectually demanding job, so drinking before going to work has never happened and remarkably, I've rarely had an issue getting up at 6-7am to get into work - I haven't been late for more than a couple of days in over four years and the desire to drink at work isn't really there - occasionally I'd find myself thinking how nice a cool pint of Guinness will taste when I get back home, but most of the time the nature of my work needs my concentration.
The problem is in the downtime, if I know I don't have any obligations, having that first drink had very little opposition because the only person affected would be myself - actually there is something else that's affected - the cleanliness of the house and garden, so that's probably something to concentrate on getting tidied up because previously the drink would win vs. housework (the kitchen needs a serious sort out). I used to think that the drinking was down to enjoying the taste of different wines and beers and just getting that relaxed feeling, but when it changed to vodka the situation changed.
I needed that wake up call to get myself to stop. I don't feel humiliated, bit embarrassed about seeing all those bottles in the recycling bin perhaps and due to the fact I'd go to different shops on different days shows I was trying to hide how much I have been drinking from other people.
Just need to take it one day at a time and find something else other than the alcohol when I'm feeling stressed, because I know that's big trigger for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 25
Made it to work at 8am as usual this morning, but I'm very tired at the mo, I've had little sleep for three nights now - my last alcohol was on Sunday at 10pm. I forgot to mention than on the Sat I decided to stop drinking, I decided to not big binge that day as just have a few beers in the evening, then the Sunday just two - which I did - to bring the units down from stupid to not quite stupid. And that was the last of it. I did buy an emergency 4 pack just in case it got too bad - but that'll be going down the sink when I get back.
I'm now into day 3 - still feeling a little anxious but heart rate is down since yesterday, currently at 76 bpm. Some very light shaking of the left hand, right pretty much steady - I'd be worried if it were like driving down a cobbled street. Some very minor palm sweating (that happens when I'm anxious anyway). I am quite light-headed, putthing that down to the lack of sleep. Trying to avoid drinking the coffee and just sticking with water.
Sticking with it.
I'm now into day 3 - still feeling a little anxious but heart rate is down since yesterday, currently at 76 bpm. Some very light shaking of the left hand, right pretty much steady - I'd be worried if it were like driving down a cobbled street. Some very minor palm sweating (that happens when I'm anxious anyway). I am quite light-headed, putthing that down to the lack of sleep. Trying to avoid drinking the coffee and just sticking with water.
Sticking with it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN, USA
Posts: 164
Welcome to the club, know that you are right in the worst of the detox phase right now. If your systems get any worse, please see a doctor. You will start feeling better over the next few days. Post back and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
Originally Posted by GoingPostal
Thanks all.
Gottalife - I don't currently have any desire to get back on the booze - it was just some thinking out loud that down the road when I'm feeling back on top of things, will that inner voice say, well everything's okay now, just don't drink that much again.
I put all those ill effects down to a particularly long and hard binge most of last week - I wasn't eating properly and wasn't taking the vitamin supplements and that compounded the issue.
I do have at least some level of self control because I need to hold down quite an intellectually demanding job, so drinking before going to work has never happened and remarkably, I've rarely had an issue getting up at 6-7am to get into work - I haven't been late for more than a couple of days in over four years and the desire to drink at work isn't really there - occasionally I'd find myself thinking how nice a cool pint of Guinness will taste when I get back home, but most of the time the nature of my work needs my concentration.
The problem is in the downtime, if I know I don't have any obligations, having that first drink had very little opposition
Just need to take it one day at a time and find something else other than the alcohol when I'm feeling stressed, because I know that's big trigger for me.
Gottalife - I don't currently have any desire to get back on the booze - it was just some thinking out loud that down the road when I'm feeling back on top of things, will that inner voice say, well everything's okay now, just don't drink that much again.
I put all those ill effects down to a particularly long and hard binge most of last week - I wasn't eating properly and wasn't taking the vitamin supplements and that compounded the issue.
I do have at least some level of self control because I need to hold down quite an intellectually demanding job, so drinking before going to work has never happened and remarkably, I've rarely had an issue getting up at 6-7am to get into work - I haven't been late for more than a couple of days in over four years and the desire to drink at work isn't really there - occasionally I'd find myself thinking how nice a cool pint of Guinness will taste when I get back home, but most of the time the nature of my work needs my concentration.
The problem is in the downtime, if I know I don't have any obligations, having that first drink had very little opposition
Just need to take it one day at a time and find something else other than the alcohol when I'm feeling stressed, because I know that's big trigger for me.
Only in the very last part of my drinking was it beginning to bleed into my work performance.
In fact, that was the deal breaker for me that got me to stop for good.
I think you will find that once you get used to not drinking on downtimes and when stressed,
you will feel generally more positive and better able to deal with both difficulty and leisure time.
I've also been even more productive at work since quitting.
In other words, you are not alone, and there is much to look forward to as a sober person.
What kind of hobby or activity can you begin, or take up again, to help "fill" the drinking hours when you aren't working?
I found this to be very important in the beginning so I didn't relapse.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
I also agree with the comments above. For me, its not that I must drink; its that I cant always stop when I do, and I cant predict when I will or wont. Its an insidious disease, GP. I also stopped again this weekend. Lets get through this hard part and on to healing.
Just a Girl Trying to Make It...
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 207
Welcome, GP. Like you, I was scared to see a doctor, scared I would be judged. Yesterday, I finally went. He prescribed meds to help me, and I woke up this morning feeling so much better. The anxiety was the worst, and it really did help tremendously. Calming the mind down really helps when trying to also sort out a plan to stay sober. Best of luck to you!
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