Kabukicho

Fine, I'm not drinking today.

And I won't drink tomorrow.

I will sit around and be bored and go to work and do silly things. Maybe the depression will lift someday. It hasn't yet.

I won't drink. Maybe you are all right. Maybe the drinking is part of my problem. Or maybe I AM RIGHT. There is a distinct possibility that I am right, that I know myself and my afflictions acutely and that I can responsibly (not like last weekend) control my drinking in a manner that improves my quality of life.

suki44883

Because that has worked so well in the past, right?

Kabukicho

It did for awhile...hence the addiction.

After the Tokyo earthquake (*********震災, as we say over there), alcohol was a medication for me. It kept me stable. It kept me working. It kept me functional. Without it, I would surely have lost my job and fled the country.

That's the nature of addiction. At one time, it ABSOLUTELY worked. It began a positive-feedback loop that kept you searching for the substance. Empirically, it made you feel good.

And then, suddenly, it turns on you.

Joe Nerv

Doesn't work that way. We have to be proactive about our sobriety. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I had to learn to live differently in order to function happily without alcohol and drugs. AA taught me how. Outpatient substance abuse counseling helped a lot too. Other people learn in other places. Just putting the drink and drug down doesn't work out too well for most.

Kabukicho

I agree. I have had similar "white-knuckle" experiences.

My outlook on life is just so pessimistic. It's hard to change my philosophy.

What sort of advice can you offer? I am smart enough to know that life is bleak, brutal, and mercifully short. But I want a few sunshine-and-daisies moments too.

Rar

From Joe Nerv, "I can pretty much guarantee this. If you keep self medicating, things will continue to get worse. Not better. Most of us believed when we were in our active addiction that we were different, and it was impossible for us to stop. Yet we did, usually when we had no other options left. If you don't want t stop now, then don't. If you want to start feeling better, then stop thinking you're different than rest of us and start listening to what we're saying." I would have never in a million years thought quitting drinking would make my anxiety and depression lessen, much less go away. Just as everyone says, it got worse for a few days immediately after. In addition, I had other withdrawal symptoms. The only thing that kept me hanging on was the assurance from the SR people that it would get better. There were moments when I thought maybe I am different than everyone else. I had to take that leap of faith in everyone here, those who have been through it and have more experience than I. I'm glad I did. I am on Day 87 today. Everything the folks say here is true. Try it. You won't regret it. The SR forum will be here to assist you in your journey.

Knat84

But somehow you ARE NOT smart enough to know that there is a lot of good to life. You are just focusing on the negative. I know, I know...you already know this. Well, you're just being stubborn, K. Until that changes, I'm not sure any advice we give can be received by you. You'll listen, you'll acknowledge and casually agree, but then, you make excuses. You are seriously closed minded. You say you're smart (you must think high of yourself in that regard) but, to me, you sound pretty dim. Hmm. A few sunshine-and-daisy moments? I don't think you're receptive enough at this point for the sunshine-and-daisies. It's like you keep on pouring hot grease on them when they are being handed to you. (Don't you just love my similes?) I'll keep talking to you man, but you can't be helped by us. Atleast not today and I'm not sure when. You just make too many excuses and sob stories. Sorry if I sound mean. Just telling it how I read it.

Kabukicho

Respect you for your honesty.

Maybe I am narcissistic. Maybe I make a lot of excuses. I just think that life is sh*t, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I am intelligent in terms of, like, IQ. Emotionally, addictively, I am a freaking moron. "Dim" does not even begin to describe it.

tomsteve

you have been given great advise from many people in all of your threads.
its up to you to put it into action.
right now of course your perception of life is dismal, but it has nothing to do with how smart you are.
my 139 IQ didn't help me for crap. it got me to the point of desperation. I had to admit that then get into action- action which started with willingness to do whatever I had to do to stop drnking/drugging- whatever acion was necessary.

Knat84

You know what you need?? You need to play a sport. You need maybe to be in a fight club. Seriously, I am a 116 lb. female but, lol, if I were there with you right now, I'd tell you to put your dukes up. Seriously, you have to get out some of this negativity and anger (in a healthy manner, of course......maybe a fight club is not the best idea. O.o ) But, yeah, sometimes I think some people need a swift kick in the a**. Ha, you sound like one of those people. - You need to go be with nature. You sound Asian. Sought out karate? haaaa.. Do you like how I just stereotyped you?? ~.*

Gibbons2

You know I told my Dad (alcoholic with 30+ years sobriety, now passed on) years ago that "Quitting drinking is hard." "Nope," he said, "Being a drunk is hard."

Guess what? He is/was right.

Besides that momentary reprieve that alcohol or substances get you, it also gets you (while actively pursuing your addiction):

"I wonder if I went to that liquor store yesterday? I should go to this one instead so that they don't know I am a drunk."

"Is she/he paying attention to how much I am drinking? I wouldn't want to appear like I have a problem."

"Did my girlfriend/boyfriend accuse me of being an alcoholic? Am I one?"

"What did I do last night? I can't seem to remember."

"How will I make up for that slip up yesterday when I was drunk, ranting and raving at my friend/lover? Maybe I'll just avoid that person today."

"I am so depressed and anxious."

"I can't believe life is so bleak and boring."

"I'll just have X number of drinks tonight. Maybe if I count my drinks I won't drink so much."

"I know I can control my addiction if I really want to."

"I am not THAT bad as so and so."

And on and on and on. That is what addiction gets you. For that one, tiny momentary reprieve from life. Sounds like a lot of fun, huh?

izzy8

K- I don't think there's anywhere else in the world that you will have so many people patiently telling you in as many ways as they can think of what the truth is.

Bottom line: You're going to have to believe it.

BTW, "intellect" might be your worst enemy right now. If you've grown to put all of your confidence in your strong mind, you need to remember that right now, it's playing tricks on you.

Kabukicho

Haha. I am an American but I live / work in Japan for most of the year.

I would love a fight-club. Or judo. Or kendo. Or just be a fat sumo wrestler.

I do have pent up rage. I mean, I NEVER get angry in public. I just bottle it up and then drink and sleep.

Interesting ideas...

I enjoy running but that's not really the same thing.

Rar

I was a self medicator: I had lots of reasons for drinking too: Was depressed, suffered from terrible anxiety, restless leg syndrome and insomnia. I needed the drinking and xanax (I did not abuse the xanax) to get rid of all these things. And it did. I medicated all of those issues away and I was happy. However, I now have liver issues and I'm not happy. So, my question to you is, what plan do you have when you begin to have liver issues?

biminiblue

Change it. No one can change it for you.

You can look for the horrible in life. You can dwell on your past problems.

Or you can look for the beautiful in life. You can live for Today and plan for tomorrow.

The past is gone. You cannot live there or change it.

You cannot unring a bell, and you sure as Hell can't go back and prevent an earthquake. You can let it define you or you can grow up and accept that it happened, it wasn't your fault, and you survived it. Move on.

Kabukicho

I'm just saying that, in the event that I develop a serious and terminal illness, I will simply end my life in the most comfortable way possible.

I am currently watching my WWII-vet grandfather suffer greatly as his wife of 50 years is developing Alzheimer's and losing her mind and her physical well-being. I would not wish that fate on myself. I will end it before it gets that bad.

I will continue to be negative. It suits my personality and my life philosophy.

I APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY for being confrontational and / or intransigent. That is not my intention. Thank you for engaging in a meaningful, serious dialogue with me. These are the sorts of difficult conversations that have to happen.

Kabukicho

I just don't want to suffer from liver failure before I'm, like, 45.

Gibbons2

LOL. Soooo again agree with Knat84 about being desperate for attention. When I read your post Kab:

Fine, I'm not drinking today.

And I won't drink tomorrow.

I will sit around and be bored and go to work and do silly things.

I thought wow, he sounds like a little kid.

Perhaps some tough love is what you need instead of everyone paying so much attention to you. You are not the only one on this forum who needs help. There have been numerous people trying to help you and you just keep s*cking more and more out of them. You say all you see is the negative in life and look how many of us here have tried to help.

As for me, I am moving on.

Kabukicho

I'm so sorry for being troublesome. I apologize for bothering you all.

PurpleKnight

You could be right, but I'd guess that deep down your not 100% convinced of it, because why would someone join a recovery website if they didn't think they had anything to worry about?

The problem with alcohol is we don't get to choose how soon or quickly our health deteriorates, it takes it's toll on the human body at different speeds and sometimes it can be too late.

I don't understand why your cutting your life short at 45yrs old, is it better to not be "bored" and die at 45yrs old or be Sober, granted you'll have to carve out a new Sober lifestyle, as we all have, but sticking around for a longer, healthier life, surely that is a better way forward for the future?