Mizzuno

Well, what has happened is this: Nothing. I was supposed to visit my sister yesterday and she texted saying that she had a headache. These plans made in advance no longer happening. She is unpredictable always has been.

There is a lot that I am learning in this process about the way that I respond to my sisters issues. For years, I have tried to help her through various scenarios and for years once life seemed to fall back into line, all of the planning to get help and doing the right thing leaves the equation.

I become emotionally distraught on many different levels when my sister needs help. We are faced with the issue of Ovarian Cancer and this sent me reeling into an emotional place that almost paralyzed me. This has happened to me many times before and I am finally realizing that this emotional stunning is not normal. Finally realizing? Well, I have known and have seen this transpire within myself, but I can not control it very well and it is very unhealthy. Ovarian Cancer or not, I lose myself. It takes me awhile to come back to reality and to maintain my own life. I know that I need help with this. Boundaries is one word that I do not know much about when it comes to my sister. She has a clue that I get this way and has seen me distraught before. I mean who would not be distraught over Ovarian Cancer, but we are dealing with many other issues within the one issue. At least I have come to realize I am dealing with many issues of hers, and now I am realizing that I am dealing with my own issues as well, losing myself in the process. So, this is not about her at all now is it?

Something that has struck a chord with me is my sisters statement: "I have had conversations with the doctors that I did not tell anyone about" .. Involving her treatment of chemo and her health.....What? We are dealing with Ovarian Cancer, or so I think. What in the hell does that mean? This is not some ******* game to play. All of the family is a mess over this and these conversations would allow the family to know specifically what is going on. For her, secrecy has always been a part of the way she deals. Hiding the pill bottle so my brother does not actually know the amount of morphine left. He can only take her for her word.

So, I painted yesterday. I decided to drown out all the noise and focus on color and learning how to draw. What transpired from this focusing was two pieces of art that are actually good. My husband posted them on Facebook and the response was overwhelmingly positive. I have tapped into a part of myself that I did not know existed.

I will continue to reach into a good place inside of myself. I am going back to work this upcoming Monday. I had talked with her about taking time off, and then took it and now she is not available. For some reason I feel so selfish when writing this. Like I should not be feeling this way. Things do not make sense to me. If you have read all of this, I thank you so much. I am still sober. It is hard to be sober right now.

Also, the withdraw should be kicking in real soon and I am for certain it will be uncomfortable for her. I will not do anything but watch. If something serious happens we can call the doctor. Im stuck in some weird place.

FreeFall

I think art is a very good and healthy outlet for some of these feelings and frustrations. Glad you have the strength to remain sober throughout a crisis! Your sister may not want to further burden the family with all the medical details, but it also sounds like her pattern. It's selfish on her part to dangle info like this, and then withhold the info that might help the family accept the situation and help her. Sometimes you have to just step back, even from those you love. It's like a runaway train-you just don't have the ability to stick out a hand and stop it-it's just too big. Be kind to yourself and stay healthy so you can help your sister in whatever way she will accept. Your heart is in the right place. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling, good, bad, and indifferent.

Mizzuno

Last night i said to my husband "Can i have wine now?" He said; "Not Tonight Love".....So, i carried on with my art and then went to bed. One day at a time.

Dee74

I think you're in the right place Miz - wanting to help your sister is evidence of your great heart and capacity to love...

knowing that you can't do for your sister what she should be doing for herself shows a great self awareness.

D