Runner85

I've said out loud to the nurse that I have a drinking problem. She was very kind and said yes you do have a problem. That was 7 months ago. I've tried to handle it myself but I still haven't quit drinking. I tell myself it's not that bad. I'm not as bad as the all the other alcoholics around me. And I am swimming in them in this little town. Great. I'm the best behaved alcoholic. Only I'm not. There are many far worse off than I and there are many better behaved. The fact is, I am an alcoholic and I cannot quit drinking on my own and I haven't told anyone besides the nurse and my older sister that I have a problem. I am hungover now and feeling terrible and this is how it always is when I'm hungover and feeling guilty I will tell myself I need to quit drinking and I have a problem. When I feel better I will tell myself I have a problem. At some point I drink again and tell myself I don't have a problem. "I'm not as bad as the people around me. I'm a fun drunk and people like to be around me when I'm drunk. I entertain them." The point is: I'm a drunk. And why do need to entertain them? I may not drink everyday but when I do I'm out of control most of the time. If I do only "have a few" I'm constantly thinking of when I'm going to have my next. I hate this. I hate that I even have to worry about this. I'm lazy in that I don't want to have a problem because I don't want to have to work at staying sober. That's a lot of work. I just want to be sober. I'm good at what I do, I'm smart, I can do almost anything, WHY CAN'T I JUST NOT DRINK?! I don't want to be like this. I just previewed this post and it doesn't even sound like me... I mean this is my exact situation but it seems like I'm reading someone else's life. But I'm not, this is mine and I hate it. I'm so depressed and sick right now. I'm hiding in my room so no one sees me this way. I don't even know why I'm like this but I want to figure it out so I can fix it and not be like this anymore. I never want to drink again. I wish I could always feel the way I do now about alcohol but sooner or later I'll feel "better" and I'll drink again. This time I want it to be different. I need help. I wish I could just go to an inpatient program.

least

If you can't do an inpatient program, have you considered AA? Millions have been freed from alcohol's grasp thru AA. Why not give it a try?

Thepatman

I'm in an outpatient program because I can't do intern.

Have you tough of trying this? You have an appointment a week and you keep living your life.

Best of luck

HeadLump

Welcome to SR, Runner

I remember that 'out of control' feeling really well - and the constant obsession about when I could have my next drink. All I can say is that the freedom I feel now is amazing and I started to feel like this within a couple of months of quitting. I no longer had the battle of deciding what to drink, how quickly, how much, what strength the wine was, how big the glasses, etc. There's no longer a decision to make - I don't drink now and that's the end of it.

That freedom is waiting for you, too. Stick with us and let us walk beside you until you find it

Nonsensical

I know EXACTLY what that is like. Two voices in my head. One reminding me that drinking is ruining me. One telling me it isn't so bad and maybe next time will be different.

One of those voices has consistently given me bad advice for 25 years. I stopped taking advice from that bad advice voice and my life is a lot better now.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Runner85

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your input and support so much. I'm grateful for a site like this as I'm not ready to tell my family and friends.

Don't you have to believe in some Higher Power for AA to work for you? I've never been able to. I've tried and searched for something to believe in like that but I have no faith and rely on science. I respect religion and that it does a lot of good for a lot of people but if I try to go church or meditate for anything other than quiet in my head then I'm faking it because there is no Higher power for me and I feel no connection other than my feet to the ground.

Dee74

Hi Runner - there are non 12 step recovery approaches as well

here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

Runner85

How can I delete all posts and remove myself from this site?

PurpleKnight

A moderator I believe can close your profile but all posts I believe can't be deleted as per the rules of the board, it's worth contacting Dee or Anna about unsubscribing.

But I'd imagine most will be sad to see you go, SR is here for support!!

resolute50

Seriouisly?
Why?

I'm going on 11 months by using this site as a tool to quit.
You can do it as well.

SoberLeigh

Hope you stick around, Runner85.

Thepatman

I hope you don't leave. I had the same exact breakdown a few weeks back after a relapse.

Truth is that I wanted to delete myself from the hearth. I asked to be removed. A good friend of mine on SR hung kept an open door for me to come back. Best decision I ever made. I was told that only my pride was holding me from coming back. Those words have stayed with me eve since.

I hope you stay, keep a lifeline opened. Worst just take a little break from SR, that's what I did. After a few days I missed my friends and the good folks on here.

Take care, and please stay.

Mentium

Runner - I attend AA. I am an atheist with s Buddhist sort of background. The 'higher power' thing is often the group itself (which can be damned powerful I assure you!), and it need not be a barrier in the least. Park the idea if it helps and come back to it later.

It is working for me and I had almost given up. Well in a way I had. Giving up trying to fight is what you begin to learn in AA. Why not give it a go!? It is tough on your own!

Dee74

We can close accounts but we don't delete all posts.

I hope you reconsider.

D

danyalcormier

I am online right now because I am having a very bad anxiety panic day. No reason triggered it. Just happens. Fighting the feeling of running away to get high and numb is getting so much easier with each SOBER and CLEAN DAY. You can do this!

Runner85

Yes, I would like to be removed. Thank you.

Runner85

PLEASE REMOVE MY ACCOUNT! Anyone that can make this happen or help me to find someone who can I'd really appreciate it! Thank you! (Why is this so difficult?)

ultradad

Hope you come back Runner, so many never make it back.

All the best!

Dee74

It's best to PM these things.
Anna and I have to read several thousand posts a day.

I have passed on your request to close your account.

D