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Old 03-14-2014, 09:51 AM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: May 2013
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Recovering addict Hubby!

Hi. I'm new to this. I've read some posts but this is my first time posting.

I've been married to an addict (alcohol and pot) for over 7yrs. It took totalling a car to get him into recovery. He was sober for a year, relapsed for a week and has been sober again since before xmas 2013.

He started getting into an old hobby - magic the gathering cards. He's been enjoying it and has made some friends that don't want to drink or drug. He was getting together with his one friend one day a week. That has stopped as the friend is having a new baby in his family.

He has stopped going to NA (stopped before his relapse and hasn't been back).

This week he wanted to call in to work so he could play games on the computer (he said "so I can shovel and spend time with you" but I got to the truth). Anyway....he has spent money on the computer on his games without talking it over (we have financial issues right now). So I said "don't you see that you are transferring your addictive habits to the computer game?" He went to work.

When he got home he went and got ALL his magic cards and video games and put them in the computer room and said "you have until the end of the weekend to post these online or I burn them". He proceeded to tell me "I don't deserve any fun in my life".....

So I asked what happened. He told me I was right that he's addicted to the card game so it needs to go. That is NOT what I had meant. I'd rather him be into that than the other stuff. Since being with the card game he has spent time with the family, the kids aren't scared of him, he's happy, he looks forward to things....things have never been better!

I said "something else is going on, what happened at work?"

That's when he really fell apart. I guess he got written up or something. Not sure on the details because he wasn't overly open. Just "I got written up so everything I have worked for my whole life is a waste, I'm stuck and deserve nothing in my life".

I tried to talk to him but it was pointless (and 4am and I have the flu so my energy is crap).

I don't know how to deal with this. If he were drinking or drugging I would know how to deal. I don't this time.

He is overreacting in my opinion. I get it. I've had those "I'm worthless" days too. But he holds onto them. Most people can get over it and adjust to the crap life hands them but he will literally hold onto this for months upon months.

Convincing him to go seek help won't work (tried that for 7yrs).

Any advice from addicts or loved ones??????
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Old 03-14-2014, 10:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Most people drink and use drugs to try and deal with some underlying problem. The feelings of worthlessness are probably not new, they've probably been around for a long time.

When a person gets really upset about something, it's usually because that circumstance shed light on some underlying belief that is painful to them. Drinking and drugging can keep those beliefs in the dark, when a person stops using, those painful ideas and beliefs are still there. A lot of people aren't even aware of this, they just live life as a series of automatic reactions.

Trouble at work > It's my fault > I'm worthless > Anger, depression...

Can you think of anything that makes you really upset? Can you then trace that back to some underlying insecurity or belief that is painful to you? How about the way you're feeling right now? Are you upset at him? Are you upset or frustrated with yourself for not knowing how to help him? If you can start this process for yourself, then you can also start to see it in other people as well, in the way they react, and you can see things from their perspective more easily.

What would you say to a person who had an underlying fear of being inadequate or worthless? Would it help them to point out that this belief might be conditioned from a long time ago, and isn't true?

Just remember that you can't fix or change a person, you can be supportive, but trying to fix someone is exhausting. Good luck.
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Old 03-14-2014, 10:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Have you considered going to AlAnon or NarAnon meetings as a support for you?

I hope you find some peace in your life.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 03-14-2014, 11:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I second the suggestion of going to AlAnon or NarAnon meetings. You need real life support.

We also have forums for friends and families of alcoholics and addicts. Give it a look.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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