thelush

hello. my name is Derek and I am an alcoholic. and I am on and off with pot. mostly the booze. I am now 20 and since I was 15 ive been a daily drinker. when I was 15 I got on intensive probation. I kept getting in trouble so I was finally given a choice by the state, go to a work farm for two years or leave the state till I was 18. I left the state and lived with my mom, parents split when I was 10, and living with my mom didn't work so I went back with my dad, and he dragged me along with him on this hunt for jobs and I ended up living in 6 different town within 2 years. and then finally we heard about this oil boom in ND. and after a month of being out here my dad left, he didn't like it out here, and I was supposed to go back with him as soon as I got my first check. well, after I seen the $ I was making I stayed and was paying on a truck, well one thing led to another and ive been out here for 2 years now and I have no friends, no life, no fun. now I have 4 yehicles and they are all junk so now im kinda stranded out here and I have no $ cuz I spend all on my cars. and whatever I have left I spend on booze and food. and I have no friends or anything cuz all I do is sit in my room and drink booze till I pass out. I drink about a half bottle of vodka everynight. and lately my kidneys hurt, my chest has pain, im getting really violent, and always feel like I wanna just end it you know? and this isn't what I wanna be and I try to tell myself no drinking, no drinking, but as soon I get off work I head straight for the bottle. cuz im just so depressed and alone and ive been moved so much I don't feel like I have a home to go back to. I don't know if any of this makes sense cuz... im drunk right now. but.... I just saw this site and hoping someone could give me some advice, some steps to take, just something to make me feel like there is a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

Forghetti35

You are brave in recognizing and admitting your problem. There are good people here. We can all relate to your story. If you want to stop drinking I recommend you look for resources in your area. Also, try coming into these forums and the chat room sober. You'll feel comfortable andfeel no judgement. Just a lot of ppl willing to help. Welcome and good luck

Coldfusion

Welcome, Derek!

There is light, and it is getting brighter and closer now that you have joined us here. You'll hear a lot of different stories, but many involve the desperation you now feel.

Just staying here and posting is a good first step.

Dee74

Hi Derek and welcome

If you've been drinking heavily for a while the best suggestion I can give you is see a Dr cos detox can be rough - they can look into your depression too....but the whole Dr thing is up to you.

The second bit of advice is hang out here. Post as often as you need to. Use the support and look into the ideas you'll find here

You mightn't think it, but just having people who understand can really change things

Drinking is just digging you a deeper and deeper hole, Derek. It's time to call a stop, yeah?

D

Hevyn

Welcome to SR Derek - it's great to have you with us.

I wish I had reached out for help when I was your age. I saw the danger signs but refused to admit I was in trouble. I'm glad you've realized you deserve a better life and things need to change. You'll save yourself so much grief and misery by getting sober and facing your future with a clear head. You can do this Derek. Please keep posting - we care about you.

thelush

see i cant handle this "positive" response. I grew up with nonstop negativity. plus ive always been EXTREMELY shy and never was really accepted. I was the "class clown" and I always wanted to stick out in a crowd, and that worked until freshman year when I got kicked out of my state. and everytime I try to talk to "old friends" its akward cuz I don't know them and they don't know me at all, they only know me as being the guy who did crazy and funny ****. and I don't even remember doing half the **** they say cuz of all the drugs. I abused cold medicine, over the counter sleeping pills, all of my prescriptions, ****.. I still abuse my Adderall sometimes. plus my childhood wasn't "normal" not even close. and right now im all worried, cuz of my past, that someone is going to bite me in the ass cuz im putting this info out there. like tomarrow im gunna get fired because of who I am, or used to be. im not a bad guy, im really not. I give people $ all the time because I know what its like to be poor, I put in more time and labor than anyone else at work, and I try to be everyone best friend. but I do all this stuff and everyone still treats me like ****, and then my bipolar kicks in and my thoughts get really irrational so I drink

thelush

i drink to make me forget all the bad things, all the worries, all the stress

thelush

"get so drunk you cant remember yesterday" kinda thing

Dee74

This is one of the safest most welcoming places I've ever been a part of Derek.
It's ok to be cautious but I hope you'll see, in time, we're on your side.

A lot of us have been exactly where you are now.

D

thelush

plus cant see a dr. cuz.... i ****** up and lost my health care
and i aint got $ to spend of dr. bills

FeelingGreat

Hi Derek, the oilfields can be a harsh environment if you want to change your life, but there are often support services for workers available because alcohol abuse is so common. I won't kid you, there's a bit of work to do, and you're best chance is to start by lining up some support to stop drinking. You may need to medical detox. because just stopping by yourself may be medically dangerous.
I've worked at remote mine-sties and I know lots of young men who started out by hitting the booze, then got sick of it and hit the gym. And of course bought all sorts of vehicles! There's hope for everyone. Alcohol is very dangerous for depression so please try and get it out of your life first, then tackle your other problems (it will be easier).
If you see a doctor or counsellor or pastor, just check with them first that what you tell them will be confidential, so you're not afraid to be honest. I assume you have random D&A tests where you work, and you're passing them?
You've had a very disrupted childhood but you're only 20, and you sound like a hard worker so there's a ton of hope for your future, and you can really build on that.

Aarryckha

I'm not going to pull out the psychology or anything but you deserve to have positive in your life. There are so many people here that want to help and you reached out so accept their help.

/hugs

Coldfusion

The most likely thing to get you fired is having a hangover or not showing up for work. Take my word for it, nothing will improve if you keep drinking.

thelush

talk to someone.... ok so they can say im depressed and give me a bunch of pills? been there, **** that. talk to a pastor? how is he gunna get me when he himself still believes there is an invisible man in the sky that controls all? **** that. so be positive... ok so I should look at the bright side of things, like.. hey! all my vehicles are broke and are going to ALOT of money to fix.. but hey... at least I have 4!!!! ...psh.. positive thinking....not really helping. none of you fully understand my situation. if you did... you would get why there if nothing to be positive about. because I haven't put it out there. and im skeptical about putting it all out there. be positive, get medical help, theres more to life than this.... ok... everything is my life fails on me, cant get medical help cuz no money or insurance, theres more to life huh? life if work, pay the government so they can destroy and kill other ppl in other counrties, buy food ( which the govt also charges you for) , go home and sleep ( because you need to be rested for that nice job you have cuz if you didn't work the govt will have to invade more countries) . this world if ******. there is nothing to look forward to. if you want to help me,,, tell me how to be less shy, more confident, how to get the girl, how to make best of a bad situation, how to belive in yourself, how to create a life that is fulfilling enough not to have to fill it with booze. I just want to be accepted and loved. that would make me happier than you could imagine. but im not so.... booze fills my happiness meter temporarily.

Aarryckha

You could start by asking for help and stop drinking?

Gibbons2

Ditto what Aarryckha said. STOP DRINKING is how you get those things! If you have all this $, then you can afford a Dr., health insurance or no. Make an appt. and go! I doubt you are the only guy working there with an alcohol problem. Look into AA groups in your area, I bet you will find the help you need. Good luck lush.

FeelingGreat

Mate in the end, no matter how much anyone wants to support you, you're the one who has to do the work. Many of us, including me, have suffered from depression, most of us have overcome alcohol problems. I'm not religious myself but pastors don't charge and it does help to talk. But I respect that you don't want to be preached to.
You have a job. You have the ability to stop drinking. You have the ability to save up for a doctor's visit. You can do this, but not if you keep drinking.
Reach inside yourself, see what you find.

thelush

face to face is what I have a problem with. and you guys keep telling me if go see someone for help. that's why im hear because I cant do that so im looking here for an escape.

Dee74

People are telling you to see someone because it's hard to do this on your own.
It's actually hard for a lot of us to reach out, but it worked out great for me, for example.

In the end all decisions are up to you tho Derek - nopone here is capable of making you do something you don't want to do

If you want a link to free or low cost medical clinics throughout the US I can give you that too.

D

Aarryckha

I'm telling you to see a doctor to help you detox because they can give you help with the withdraw that isn't pleasant to deal with. I did it at home but I had the help of Xanax to get me through. But, as has been said, it's up to you. You have to do it.