Mits78

All the symptoms are there. the depression the anxiety, feelings of hoplessness and worthlessness. Horrible nightmares and horrible thoughts. There isnt a time in my life that i dont remember not feeling this way. It is so deep that even when I am having somewhat of a good day I get a bad feeling and within minutes I am suicidal because the is no hope. When I look back when I was a child my actions were always crying out for help. I always wanted to tell someone that something was wrong but I couldnt tell anyone what it was. I just didnt feel good. I am exausted every day. my thoughts and feelings are out of control and I live in a state of constant confusion.
It seems something happened somewhere and the feeling never left me. Its like a imprint left in my nervous system. Nothing else has worked to get rid of this, qiutting drinking, exercise and positive thinking works only enough to get me through the day but miserably and irritable.

This has been going on for decades. There is a LOT of pain inside of me. I dont know what it is or where it came from. It seems to explain why when I take a nap and fall asleep i awake in a state of panic. Deep down inside I seem to be reliving a stressful memory. Like i'm fighting for my life.

I feel like i have been fighting a losing battle my whole life. nothing will change until that feeling goes away. How do I get rid of it?

KateL

That was like reading about myself. I am still in therapy and it's worked wonders. Why don't you give it a try xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

least

I strongly recommend seeing a good counselor. Just being able to talk out your feelings can be very helpful. A counselor can work with you to find the causes behind this depression and panic. Are you sober now? If not, getting sober can help also, as alcohol is a depressant and causes anxiety the days after drinking.


In the meantime, you can come here and vent your feelings to us. We'll listen to you.

AuntieSoso

Ditto the others - find a therapist you can trust. Please know that it might not be the first therapist you try . . . it might take a few tries to find someone you click with, so don't give up if at first it doesn't take.

Best to you.

shakeel

Just a few days ago I had all the symptoms you mentiones, and exercise, prayer, meditation can only go so far to get me through a few hours and the rest of the day I would be depressed and wishing for death. not wanting to wake up the next day. But I also try not to put myself in the pity pot, not think of the past. Like I said I am fighting this thing using all means. therapist, psychiatrist, AA, AVRT, I use them all. I suggest you try getting yourself out of the pity pot, get rid of resentments. Like I mentioned, use any or all of the programs of recovery available and see a Doctor if the depression persists. I was never a fan of taking pills, but if one is suicidal and depressed maybe prescribed meds alongside a good program of recovery is a way out for the time being. That's where I'm at right now.

oak

It can be so confusing and frustrating to have all those symptoms. It is not uncommon to not remember trauma.

For me, therapy has helped immensely. I survived a lot of trauma as a child.

I am currently using EMDR therapy to resolve trauma, but of course there are many other types of therapy that can be successful too.
For more info on EMDR:
http://www.emdr.com/faqs.html
http://emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?...ubarticlenbr=2

Another approach to healing, a somatic approach:
Peter A. Levine PhD | Mental Health Professionals | Post Traumatic Stress Disorder | Trauma Therapy Training (Peter Levine also has a great CD & books.)

For info on dissociation & trauma:
http://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=13
PTSD and Dissociation Resources for Survivors, Supporters and Professionals

General info and links on trauma:
About Trauma * Trauma Information Pages
Trauma Resources * Trauma Information Pages

I hope you find what works for you! There are so many ways to heal.

Gakx

You just wrote my autobiography except I do remember some of what really happened. They say that if the event was bad enough, our brains have a self preservation mechanism that causes amnesia about said event.

I feel that depression, hopelessness and worthlessness with you but I know that drinking will very likely make things much worse.

I strongly suggest an excellent psychiatrist to help you understand and manage these feelings better. And if you are feeling suicidal, please find and contact a prevention hotline to work you through those times. There is help and hope out there!

Dee74

Hi Mits

Like least suggests, a little counselling really helped me. It really helped to have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off who wasn't in the middle of my emotional baggage and memories.

A good counsellor is someone who guides you in safely to shore when you're floundering in the middle of that dark black sea.

Is counselling something you could consider?

D

Jeni26

Hi Mits.

I was like you for years, as long as I could remember. My feelings of anxiety and desperation were just a part of me and I couldn't ever visualise a time when they would leave. You described those feelings so well I was transported back there for a brief moment.

I have managed to move beyond them now. I quit drinking, quit smoking, saw my Doctor for medical advice about the anxiety and insomnia, saw a counsellor for some deep rooted issues, worked through the steps in AA with a sponsor and learned how to meditate. Oh, and I've also sought lots of advice here on SR from people going through the same things. There are forums dedicated to mental health and anxiety here.

I really believe it was this combination that helped me along.

I hope you can find some peace. Best wishes to you.

Mits78

Thanks everyone. The responses encouraged me enough to go see a counselor again. The last time I was there we touched upon a subject and I immediately went to tears. I fought them all back, changed the subject and didn't go back again. Geez, think maybe I don't want to talk about something?

Guess I'll have to go again, ball my eyes out and just let it happen. At this point I have nothing to lose.

Makes me think of a verse from the Gnostic Gospels....

If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.

Dee74

I really like that quote Mits

I found facing my stuff was painful - but not as painful as I feared it would be, and in fact no more painful that the drinking life I'd made.

I think you've made a good decision, Mits

D