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I'm Eric. I'm 10 days sober but still need help.

Old 03-01-2014, 11:44 PM
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Red face I'm Eric. I'm 10 days sober but still need help.

This is the first time I've ever said this:

My name is Eric, and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm 29 years old and live in Olympia, Washington. My last drink was on February 19, 2014. That was the day I decided to quit.

Before I joined them Marine Corps, I was clean. I mean CLEAN. Up until the age of 18, I never even had a puff of a cigarette or ever been buzzed from alcohol, much less, drunk.

After I joined the Corps, I was in North Carolina for my first MOS school when some friends and I were waiting for a taxi out into town. That was where I had my first cigarette. I remember it like yesterday. So there. That started.

After school I got stationed in Iwakuni, Japan. I made friends very easily over there. I got aquainted with someone from the Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Warfare section and we became "drinking buddies". We never hung out other than to go to the bar and drink. It was religious. Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. I was during these times that I got officially drunk for the first time.

The more I drank, the more fun I had. The more I drank, the more I COULD drink. Long story short, by the end of my first enlistment of four years, my drinking was to the point where I could drink a 5th of liquor before my taxi got there to take me to the bar. It got dangerous as well. I drank and drove a lot. That quit the early morning I woke up at the wheel and was going head-on with a semi-truck.

I was a single Marine having fun overseas.

After my first enlistment, I got out of the Marines for a short period of time. During that time, I started working out a lot. Started taking steriods as well. During that time I did NOT drink. I may be a drunk but I wasn't going to do BOTH to my liver simultaneously.

I ended up back in the Marine Corps and got stationed in Cherry Point, NC. Like most Marines who work hard, we party hard. And drink. A lot.

During that enlisment, I would drink more than my forst enlistment. I was married by that point and lived out in town. A place of my own. My rules. My castle. My booze.

I drank during the week, all weekends and wherever and whenever else. A large group of friends and liquor-fueled country bonfire parties didn't help either.

It was during this time when I had my first panic attack after a weekend bender. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I felt like I was going to die. Afer much research afer the incident, I found out it was alcohol withdrawls. Never had I experienced this before. I believe this was my first reality check.

After I got out of the Marines again, I stayed in North Carolina. I had friends still there. My drinking got worse at this point. I would work all day, come home and drink. I was going through 3 5ths a week.

After all my Marines friends got out and I was the only one left in North Carolina, it was then that my social drinking stopped. Now I was just drinking by myself. A lot. Alone.

I moved back to Washington because I hated the South. I sold everything I owned in order to get back here.

That was a little over a year ago. Since then, my "schedule" has been to work all week, drink a couple of beers a couple of times a week, and then get blasted drunk on Friday nights.

Since I'm not a young 18 year old Marine anymore, I can't drink heavily 2 nights in a row. Those are what cause my panic attacks. So I would "make up" for it on Sunday afternoons, sometimes.

During everything I've said thus far, many great things happened as well. Fell in love. Got married. Had a daughter last year.

I'm not an angry drunk. I'm not a violent person. Never have I raised a hand to my wife. EVER. Drunk. Sober. Never. But she has definetly put up with my drunkeness since the day she met me. I thank her for being a wonderful person to me.

I decided to quit smoking a little more than a month ago. That was easy. I thought it was going to be hard, but e-cigs are great therapy for this. Also seeing some videos on YouTube of what smoking does, it turned me off cigarettes for GOOD. I don't even have a glimmer of a fear of me going back to cigs. That was a big victory for me.

I decided to quit drinking, however, for many reasons. Almost the same reasons as why I quit cigs.

Males in my family have a history of dying young of heart disease. My grandfather died at 33 of a heart attack. He was an alcoholic and a smoker.

I don't want to die that young. I have a daughter to raise. I want to live. I'm quitting to do everything I can to save my life.

Whenever my wife and I go to the grocery store to do some shopping, there's always a blood pressure test thing. Most times, I check it. And I'm always in the "pre-hypertension" range. I want that to change. Even after I quit smoking for a month, it was still a bit high. I then realized that in order for my body to truly heal itself, my drinking must stop. MUST. Binge drinking is horrible on the body.

This truly has been a challenge, though. I knew the helath implications of drinking, and how much better I'd feel if I quit, so the "logical" answer was to quit.

Here's the REAL kicker. Because I've been drinking so much for so long, I never TRULY understood how much of a GRIP on me alcohol has had. Until I quit. When the weekend came and my "schedule" wasn't kept, I felt...wierd. Different. Sad. Angry. Everything. Emotions I haven't felt this strong since I was a teenager. Since before alcohol.

I've been sober for 10 days now. And physically, I feel geat. No more feeling dehydrated. No more hangovers. No more passing out in the living room.

Mentally, World War III is raging. That tells me I'm doing something right, then.

On the flip side, I've become reclusive at home. Cold to my wife. Not to my daughter, though. She's only 18 months old and my level of compassion and love for her overcome my "coldness".

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why is it that everytime I see her, I feel the need to be alone. By myself.

I feel like this little guy when she's around ----> "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

The more I struggle inside, the stonger my will is to STAY sober. Because doing the right thing IS hard.

I just don't understand why I'm so cold to my wife now since I quit.

The logical side of my brain tells me I'm doing great. But the other side of me still needs help understanding.......
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Old 03-01-2014, 11:49 PM
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Welcome Eric! You've come to a very supportive site. Quitting drinking can be very hard to do, but it is possible. I hope with our support you will be able to stay sober for good.
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Old 03-01-2014, 11:59 PM
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Hi
I can't offer any advice about your wife...but I can say thank you for sharing your whole story... All of it!
And
Congratulations on your days so far... It is really hard so stay strong and stay sober. Lots of great folks here too!
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Old 03-02-2014, 12:13 AM
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Hi Eric

Welcome to SR

I'm not sure why you're cold to your wife either, but staying sober will probably provide you with some answers...maybe it's as easy as giving a similar level of compassion and love to your wife as do to your daughter?

you'll find a lot of support here

D
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Old 03-02-2014, 01:33 AM
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Welcome Eric xxx
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Old 03-02-2014, 02:09 AM
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Hi Eric,

thanks for sharing your story. I haven't even introduced myself here (will soon), but still want to share a feeling I have of why you might be so cold to your wife: Maybe you want to protect her from your strong and complicated negative emotions - having a World War III as you put it, raging within yourself?

Maybe you have a subconscious feeling that you need to be left alone right now because you've got too many strong emotions to deal with already and putting up a happy, brave, caring face would be too much?

I guess you are, in a way, in 'fighting mode' - dealing with anger, fear, maybe despair. These feelings aren't pretty. And you said that you're feeling everything tenfold, now that you're sober. It seems quite natural to me that you want to keep this war to yourself. And that would be quite noble, actually.

At least that is what I'm doing, trying to deal with my feelings (that are all over the place) on my own. Anyhow, just my two cents...

Take care and, as Dee's wonderful signature once read: Be kind (in your case: to yourself) always.

Julia
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Old 03-02-2014, 02:18 AM
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Welcome to SR Eric. Lot of support and help here.

Have you thought about maybe talking to a counselor or even trying meetings? Is there anything else you are doing for your recovery?

My emotions were all over the place when I quit drinking. Having to deal with these emotions sober can be challenging.

You are definitely not alone in this.
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Old 03-02-2014, 02:36 AM
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Welcome Eric,

This to shall pass, keep doing the RIGHT thing and it does eventually fall into place.

I try to put myself in the other persons shoes and try to think how my reactions will affect them. I am certainly not perfect but when I do that I tend to be more shall I say "Considerate" to whom ever it may be, wife, son, co-worker, friend.

Just my experience,

Have a great day
Matt
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Old 03-02-2014, 07:02 AM
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Welcome Eric!

First, let me thank you from the bottom of my heart for serving our Country and the sacrifices you and your family have made to do it. Thank you.

Now on to you getting the life you deserve back.

You sound like you have everything you need to be happy in this life. That's what it sounds like to me. I'm sure you feel a little different since it's you living in it. I know because that's how I felt too. I've been there.

I just want you to know that everything you need you have. It's right there. Alcohol has just hidden it away under all the crap it brings with it.

Here's what I think. This is what they mean when they say you don't have to or probably even shouldn't...do it alone. Sometimes I think we think of getting help as someone doing something for us. Sometimes it is. But in this journey, I've found, a lot of it is just opening up to the people who care about us and being honest. The more I did that the better I got at being real with myself and everyone around me. I also got better at not waiting till it was too late. In other words, I got better at saying this is hard, I don't even know how I feel. I'm scared. I'm sorry if I seem distant. I'm confused. I'm working really hard to be better for myself and my loved ones. I need you.

See what I mean?

Even the strongest most disciplined people on the planet need support somehow sometimes. That includes courageous Marines and quiet librarians.

Welcome! You can do this. Get all the support you can, keep an open mind and heart and stick around. You have a lot of people here who have and are doing it or need help doing it too.
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Old 03-02-2014, 07:45 AM
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Just a thought coming from my current experience. I have a temporary houseguest. We used to drink and smoke weed together—a lot. In party mode, being together was okay.

But now, I am determined to stay clean. Today is day six. I've learned in the last few days to insist on alone time. I need my solitude. I need to be with myself. I need to see what I am about without all the distractions.

So, I'm thinking that you are distancing from your wife because you need to be with yourself, to think for yourself, without any distractions. It doesn't mean you don't love her. It means it's time to love yourself.
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Old 03-02-2014, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by erkitner View Post
I just don't understand why I'm so cold to my wife now since I quit.
I'm curious. How would you characterize your attitudes and behaviors with your wife while you were drinking?
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by erkitner View Post
This is the first time I've ever said this:

My name is Eric, and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm 29 years old and live in Olympia, Washington. My last drink was on February 19, 2014. That was the day I decided to quit.

Before I joined them Marine Corps, I was clean. I mean CLEAN. Up until the age of 18, I never even had a puff of a cigarette or ever been buzzed from alcohol, much less, drunk.

After I joined the Corps, I was in North Carolina for my first MOS school when some friends and I were waiting for a taxi out into town. That was where I had my first cigarette. I remember it like yesterday. So there. That started.

After school I got stationed in Iwakuni, Japan. I made friends very easily over there. I got aquainted with someone from the Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Warfare section and we became "drinking buddies". We never hung out other than to go to the bar and drink. It was religious. Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. I was during these times that I got officially drunk for the first time.

The more I drank, the more fun I had. The more I drank, the more I COULD drink. Long story short, by the end of my first enlistment of four years, my drinking was to the point where I could drink a 5th of liquor before my taxi got there to take me to the bar. It got dangerous as well. I drank and drove a lot. That quit the early morning I woke up at the wheel and was going head-on with a semi-truck.

I was a single Marine having fun overseas.

After my first enlistment, I got out of the Marines for a short period of time. During that time, I started working out a lot. Started taking steriods as well. During that time I did NOT drink. I may be a drunk but I wasn't going to do BOTH to my liver simultaneously.

I ended up back in the Marine Corps and got stationed in Cherry Point, NC. Like most Marines who work hard, we party hard. And drink. A lot.

During that enlisment, I would drink more than my forst enlistment. I was married by that point and lived out in town. A place of my own. My rules. My castle. My booze.

I drank during the week, all weekends and wherever and whenever else. A large group of friends and liquor-fueled country bonfire parties didn't help either.

It was during this time when I had my first panic attack after a weekend bender. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I felt like I was going to die. Afer much research afer the incident, I found out it was alcohol withdrawls. Never had I experienced this before. I believe this was my first reality check.

After I got out of the Marines again, I stayed in North Carolina. I had friends still there. My drinking got worse at this point. I would work all day, come home and drink. I was going through 3 5ths a week.

After all my Marines friends got out and I was the only one left in North Carolina, it was then that my social drinking stopped. Now I was just drinking by myself. A lot. Alone.

I moved back to Washington because I hated the South. I sold everything I owned in order to get back here.

That was a little over a year ago. Since then, my "schedule" has been to work all week, drink a couple of beers a couple of times a week, and then get blasted drunk on Friday nights.

Since I'm not a young 18 year old Marine anymore, I can't drink heavily 2 nights in a row. Those are what cause my panic attacks. So I would "make up" for it on Sunday afternoons, sometimes.

During everything I've said thus far, many great things happened as well. Fell in love. Got married. Had a daughter last year.

I'm not an angry drunk. I'm not a violent person. Never have I raised a hand to my wife. EVER. Drunk. Sober. Never. But she has definetly put up with my drunkeness since the day she met me. I thank her for being a wonderful person to me.

I decided to quit smoking a little more than a month ago. That was easy. I thought it was going to be hard, but e-cigs are great therapy for this. Also seeing some videos on YouTube of what smoking does, it turned me off cigarettes for GOOD. I don't even have a glimmer of a fear of me going back to cigs. That was a big victory for me.

I decided to quit drinking, however, for many reasons. Almost the same reasons as why I quit cigs.

Males in my family have a history of dying young of heart disease. My grandfather died at 33 of a heart attack. He was an alcoholic and a smoker.

I don't want to die that young. I have a daughter to raise. I want to live. I'm quitting to do everything I can to save my life.

Whenever my wife and I go to the grocery store to do some shopping, there's always a blood pressure test thing. Most times, I check it. And I'm always in the "pre-hypertension" range. I want that to change. Even after I quit smoking for a month, it was still a bit high. I then realized that in order for my body to truly heal itself, my drinking must stop. MUST. Binge drinking is horrible on the body.

This truly has been a challenge, though. I knew the helath implications of drinking, and how much better I'd feel if I quit, so the "logical" answer was to quit.

Here's the REAL kicker. Because I've been drinking so much for so long, I never TRULY understood how much of a GRIP on me alcohol has had. Until I quit. When the weekend came and my "schedule" wasn't kept, I felt...wierd. Different. Sad. Angry. Everything. Emotions I haven't felt this strong since I was a teenager. Since before alcohol.

I've been sober for 10 days now. And physically, I feel geat. No more feeling dehydrated. No more hangovers. No more passing out in the living room.

Mentally, World War III is raging. That tells me I'm doing something right, then.

On the flip side, I've become reclusive at home. Cold to my wife. Not to my daughter, though. She's only 18 months old and my level of compassion and love for her overcome my "coldness".

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why is it that everytime I see her, I feel the need to be alone. By myself.

I feel like this little guy when she's around ----> "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

The more I struggle inside, the stonger my will is to STAY sober. Because doing the right thing IS hard.

I just don't understand why I'm so cold to my wife now since I quit.

The logical side of my brain tells me I'm doing great. But the other side of me still needs help understanding.......
Welcome, your post reminded me of a few drinking sprees I did in Victoria BC, looking across the way to the American side drinking several 2L Canadian Wine Cooler Bottles at 7%. Well I realize today that I drink because i am an alcoholic, I drink for the effect it has on me. I do not change overnight. Anyway I was tempted to go into a long speel because I do that whenever I am reminded of my story through others. But I have to get going, I have an AA meeting to get to. If you want to be serene and happy and sober at the same time then AA can help you, it has helped millions of sufferers just like you. Go online to Google, and type in Olympia Washington AA meetings, there might be a list of meetings online, if not call them up and see where one is. Attend, look for commonalities in the story, do not look at the differences, buy a big book and ask the chair person to sponsor you right away. Tell him this is life or death and that you need to work the steps right away. Steps 1, 2 and 3 should not take more then a month. Those steps are just conclusions in your head. Good luck, I wish you the best. Hope you make it. Lots of people do not make it. Lots of people die. They die the rock star death, choking on their own puke.
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:11 AM
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Hi Eric, welcome to SR
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:14 AM
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Welcome Eric and thank you for your service. You said something that resonated with me. You talked about how you drank through most of your marriage. Well, when I quit drinking (and I still go through this now) my emotions were:are all over the place. I get angry, cold, sad etc. for no good reason other than things aren't going my way. Also, I find it hard to relate to some people (my ex wife). I found that I had drank and lived as a drunk for so long, I didn't really know who sober me was. What I liked, what I valued etc. it's an ongoing process for me, so sorry I don't have the answer. But working the AA program and talking to others in recovery definitely helps me. I'm also starting an IOP this week- out patient alcohol treatment program. I am hoping the answers come with time. Keep posting here!
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:47 AM
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Welcome Eric, you are in a great place for support. I am not sure what is going on with you and your wife, but I became very recluse in my early days of sobriety because of the shame and guilt that was tearing me apart. Best of luck to you (counseling was a great help to me?
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Old 03-02-2014, 11:18 AM
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Eric, how much of what you have shared here have you shared with your wife? I'm 2 weeks shy of a year, and wouldn't be where I was without the support of my husband. Opening up to him, explaining my weakness, was the hardest to bing to do, but it brought us closer together than ever. I wish you well my friend
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Old 03-02-2014, 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
I'm curious. How would you characterize your attitudes and behaviors with your wife while you were drinking?

That's kind of hard question. No one has asked me that before.

I guess you could say that our marriage has been great. We've had our ups and downs. But we get through everything together.

I married young right after I turned 22. I met her overseas while I was stationed in Japan. She's from the Philippines and her mentalities were so different than the American girls I was used to. Stronger willed, no 'games' being played. And a very strong commitment to the ones she loves.

When she met me I was a drunk. She still loved me and still does. She never tried to change me, other than the occasional, "maybe you shouldn't drink so much."

Throughout our marriage, it's been overall good. I think it will stay that way, too.

After reading all of the replies to my post, it makes me see things in myself that I was confused and "angry" about.

The war I wage within is mine, and mine alone.

My way of thinking is very black and white. Win or lose. Succeed or fail. I'm very strong willed to the point of extreme stubbornness. I guess that's a trait engrained in me from the Corps.

Even though it's been such a short time, I'm already beginning to feel more at peace with myself.

For example, I went to the grocery store this morning to buy some things for my daughter's breakfast. She was out of eggs. It's raining today, as most times here in Western Washington.

As I got out of my car, I looked at the store from the parking lot. And rather than running inside to stay dry I walked slowly. Feeling the rain on my face and breathing deeply. I looked behind me to the gas station across the parking lot. And could see. Really see. Perfectly clear.

I took this moment in. And dwelt in it, even for the short time it took to talk on the store. I felt truly at peace.

I know these moments will become more and more common as I stay sober.

I would like more of that.

I like me better that way.
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Old 03-02-2014, 12:38 PM
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welcome Eric

My emotions were all over the place in the first few weeks of sobriety.I wanted just to be alone but had a husband and a 2 year old. I was awful at times as just wanted to be in my own space. I felt my emotions could burst at any point and was probably horrible too.

I like what cheebiechi said- think before you say or do anything .Try and take a step back ,I'd also recommend you do get some time and space for yourself if possible,even just a few minutes every day whre you can re-group your thoughts and stability.

It does get easier. I'm 14 months sober now but still go away alone sometimes just to re-balance myself .There's nothing wrong with that,if you can do it. It really does help.
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Old 03-02-2014, 01:37 PM
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Welcome Eric! My name is Dee and we have the same quit day! I have been off the grid so to speak with everyone. I just need some time to read through some sobriety books, google all of my recovery questions, so I can know what to expect during this time of withdrawal. I know that every cell in my body has been saturated in alcohol for years so I want to know what to expect as they start waking up from this 4 year bender! I know all those neuro transmitters in my brain may go haywire and give me a seizure. I know that I am malnourished and need to get my nutrition in order to feel better. I'm learning so much! I have a wonderful 26 year old daughter who is my support system but she understands that I am not being anti-social, I am educating myself on alcoholism. 10 days is just the beginning and we both have a lot to learn. Don't be hard on yourself for wanting alone time. You need it at this point! We are still coming out of our fog and will eventually be clear minded enough to be a joy to our families again! Best of luck to you!!
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Old 03-02-2014, 01:56 PM
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Hello Eric! I agree with poolsidegal. I am on my day 7 and also have the feeling to want to be left alone. My husband has been very good about it. We also have a 3 year old daughter who I, for the most part, do not distance myself from. I have no idea why I get so irritated with my husband but I really do think that, for some of us, this it is part of recovery process... Idk either way I believe this will pass as well. Hang in there, this place is truly great.
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