malcolmsloan

I have not been counting days for a while--until this morning. I have to be super honest, last night was the closest I've come to drinking since I stopped. I actually got out of bed, got dressed and started walking for my keys. It was 1:45 am and I was grinding through some insane insomnia. It comes and goes these days. Why insomnia last night? I'm not going to get into details, but some context is needed: my wife and I have had some serious troubles over the last year and a half. We're working on them. Alcohol played-and continues to play-a big part. There was some significant emotional infidelity. Sometimes, late at night, my mind goes crazy. How did we get here? Can the emotional trauma (for me it was trauma), be repaired? So there I was, sober, dealing. I started praying. Even did the whole on your knees thing. It was raining. The night of my last drink it was raining. I swear the walls had skin and they were slithering all around me. I got on SR but had had the feeling that I had nothing to offer in this state. So I decided to go get some booze. I couldn't reach for the keys, however and dropped into the couch and turned on the TV. I looked at the clock. Almost 2:00 am. Can't buy booze where I'm from after 2. Fight the clock. I started going minute by minute. I thought about everyone here at SR. Dorky as it sounds, I started thinking of your names: what would Dee say? What about Deeker and the 24 hr club? All you guys. One more minute. One more minute. Well, when the clock struck 2, I shut it down and went to bed and finally slept.

So why mention counting days? I woke, exhausted from this ordeal, and decided to see what day I was on. Guess what? Today is day 100. I almost started crying.

It's never over. This fight will go on. We must be alert and ready to fight, even when we least expect it. It’s a funny parallel, but I guess it’s like those old Peter Sellars films, where he has his sidekick attack him when he does not expect it and they have these massive battles that tear down rooms and houses. I don't think I would have won last night if it was not for SR, what I have learned, all you good people here.

SeaScape

Thank you for sharing. Glad you made it through the late late night.

Congratulations on your 100 days...awesome!

least

Congrats on 100 days sober!!

KateL

Fantastic xxxx

Mags1

Way to go malcolmsloan, 100 days that's brill. Keep looking ahead and only give the rear view mirror a fleeting glance.

I think nights can be the worst, I've gone through the wringer some nights, early mornings and there's a petrol station open all night which sells booze. I've gone through the scenarios of fetching, drinking and then all the misgivings I would have if I had acted.

Mek2

Congrat on 100 days!!

hayley86

Congratulations on 100 days.

HeadLump

Congratulations on 100 days, malcolmsloan. That's brilliant!

I love your reference to the Pink Panther. Next time you get an urge, just scream 'Not Now, Cato!!' That should do the trick

In fact, I think I'll re-name my AV Cato so that I can say it too!

Anna

That's a great post and it sounds like you really pushed through a tough time last night. Good for you and congratulations on 100 days sober.

Dee74

Probably this



There's nothing worse than worrying about things in the dead of night. Everything seems immense, you feel so small and alone...but the morning always comes - always

Whatever the situation is, it sounds like drinking had a big part in it...so it stands to reason drinking is not the answer to getting out of it.

I'm really pleased and proud you beat the monster down Malcolm

D

veryready

Good job Malcolmsloan and congrats on 100 days. It does get easier, but your right, it's never over. And I think it's good to look at it like that. Always having your guard up. It's worth it. People come and go here, but I remember one of the first days you showed up. Really glad you hung around. Great having you here. Thanks.

deeker

Yay Malcolmsloan!!



103 today

grocerease

Your AV is Kato...I like that. I'm going to imagine it as so from now on.lol

FlygirlJ

Congrats on making it 100 days!!!

Before reading your post, the title "what day am I on?" actually asked a different question to me, or led me to pose a different question to myself (if that makes any sense), and hence why I opened it. For me, I guess it doesn't really matter how many days sober I have. I mean, I can count/know the number of days sober right now because it's relatively a few since I am new, but I also factor in/don't forget the days of lapse. I have only had 1 in 14. 13 out of 14 days sober, hell that's a number I can feel good about at this point in my life and time in trying to regain control over my life. I feel like I will eventually be able to stop counting the days sober, because they'll significantly outnumber the days not. To me, that's definitely a win.