Birdygirl

Hi all...

On Thursday I told myself I could have a couple of glasses wine...
Well, you all know the rest of the story.


So now it's another Monday and I'm starting over, again.
I made some bad choices, contacted not one, but two ex boyfriends.
Even saw one of them.

I finally found some tears about my stupidity.
When I look at my boyfriend of 2 years, who I am really smitten with, I feel so horrible. He is very good to me and told me when we first met that the only thing we couldn't work through is cheating.

Well, now I carry that guilt and if I keep this crap up, he will be done with me.

I am a full time student and have a job interview tomorrow.
I can't keep this schedule up and continue to drink.
I feel like such a fake.

So here's to another day 1.
I know I am not alone in this.

least

I hope with our support this can be your last day one.

ReadyAndAble

Good for you, picking yourself and getting right back on track.

I know what you mean, I often told myself I could have a couple of glasses. The problem of course is that for folks like us, it's never just a couple of glasses. It's just the tip of long line of a couple of glasses stretching back years and years, spanning one regretful night after another. I found there was only one way to end it, and that was to end it. Forever. I had to accept that a drink or two was not an option—there are just two choices for me, non-drinker or active alcoholic.

If that sounds dire and extreme, it's actually not. One of the many surprises about recovery was that it was easier to just be done with it, once and for all, than to abstain while holding onto the idea that a couple of drinks would ever again be a possibility for me.

You're not a fake; this is as real as it gets, and you're making a very brave move by tackling it now. And a smart move—I really wish I had dealt with this in my 20s. You are going to be so grateful you kept trying!

Dee74

Welcome back Birdygirl

Have you given any thought to what you might do this time?

D

Goldcoastgirl

Don't beat yourself up Birdy, we are here for you. Don't give up!

Birdygirl

Dee, I don't know what I'm going to do besides try harder.
I'm so afraid I'm going to mess up what I do have.

I am not giving up though!

Hevyn

Hi Birdy - I'm sorry for your pain. I've been there many times.

It's very hard to admit we can't just have 'a few'. I played with it for years, always determined to use willpower to control myself. It never worked, and I was getting myself into deep trouble that was hard to dig my way out of. In the end, it was a huge relief to be free of it. I'm happy you aren't giving up - we know you can do this & have a better life.

Gibbons2

Don't pick up the first drink and there will be no regrets. Us alkies can't have just one, it just isn't possible.

You sound like me in my other post, not only thinking last night I would just have a "few" (it didn't go that way), but I also contacted an ex-boyfriend, hoping to complain about all the things he did wrong. Thank God he didn't answer the phone.

He's tried to call me a couple of times today and I haven't answered. I don't know what to say. "Gee, I was really drunk and wanted to cuss at you about why I am single now?" Still not sure how to resolve it. I'll probably lie, which is bad and tell him I just had a computer issue I wanted help with and it fixed itself, but lying isn't good. He's knows I'm a drunk, but I don't know if me be honest really helps him or me.

Anyhow, I have to let go and let God on this one. It will play out o.k. and I believe your situation will too Birdy. Have faith.

EndGameNYC

I'm happy to see you're back, BG, and I hope that your recent drinking doesn't blossom into a full-blown relapse.

I think that "trying harder" is a common mistake for many of us. I'm not even sure what "trying harder" is. Apparently whatever you've been doing hasn't worked, and I don't believe that doing more of it will help.

If you're interested in getting better results, then it's time to try something different.

Birdygirl

Hi EndGameNYC, you are so right.
What I have been trying has not worked.
NOT picking up that bottle is the key!

Right now I am disgusted by my actions and want to drink to make myself forget how stupid I have been, although I know that drinking is the reason that I feel so bad in so many ways right now.

In my heart I feel like I have reached bottom and know that if I don't save myself now that I will really see what bottom is.

Thanks for being here ya'll.

Dee74

Trying harder is what most people do - but if it just means doing what you did before, often you'll simply find yourself in the same place BG.

Try to think of things you can add to what you've been doing - if things like AA or other recovery groups, or counselling are too scary, well, ok but at least think about what you're prepared to do...

post here more - and post before you get into trouble?

think about your week - think about some strategies to avoid cravings or temptations?

D