hopefulyogi

I don't understand boundaries. I don't innately understand them like the rest of the world seems to. I over depend. I cling. I panic when I start feeling abandonment coming. Maybe it's components of borderline personality disorder.....or maybe it's more common than I think, which is why I am asking.

My sponsor has canceled on me for various reasons over the past 4 days. For some reason, she seems to ignore my texts or calls following such events and tonight I lost it. I turned into this frantic crazy person that was hyperventilating trying to talk to her because I had been looking forward to meeting her to move forward with my resentment list and hopefully start feeling less awful. Her reasoning for canceling, I totally understand (I took a sip of alcohol when i dumped what I had left today) Had I know that meant we didn't get to meet, I wouldn't have....but regardless, I get it. But then I was freaking out and she said to go take a shower and she would call me back and maybe we could go to a meeting instead. So I did....and I waited....and she never called. Eventually I texted and called and she still has not responded 3 hours later. I had a massive emotional breakdown that I don't even understand. I mean, I know I HATE being ignored more than anything and it plays into a lot of fears but my reaction was so disproportionate. Sunday night was a similar thing where we were going to go to a meeting together and she decided she wanted to go to a different meeting and I asked if I could come and she just ignored me. I called to see if she was still going and she again ignored me. So I ended up sitting home alone all night feeling like I must be annoying her like crazy or she must not actually want to work with me. (yes, I could have and should have just gone to a meeting but I also have panic disorder so when I go alone it is very difficult)

Anyways, I guess I'm just wondering if there is any hope at all for me or if my brain is just far to abnormal to ever be able to have healthy relationships. Maybe I just stopped maturing at 15 when I developed my eating disorder and I am like this because I still think like a child. I don't know. All I know is I desperately want some hope that I won't be this awful, boundary destroying, needy, annoying person forever because it doesn't feel at all like a conscious choice- it is a frantic, terrified, illogical state I enter that feels about as controllable as deciding to stop drinking when you are buzzed but not drunk.

PaperDolls

There is absolutely hope. I was a hot mess when I first got sober.

Maybe it's time to find a different sponsor?

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BrendonM

I don't think you sound crazy, you sound like you don't have much respect for yourself, and you should have more for sure. You took on a sponsor so she could be there when you needed someone. Everyone has a time in their lives where they need someone, and for someone with an addiction issue, wanting a person who is dedicated to being there doesn't make you some sort of crazy clingy boyfriend/girlfriend, it is normal.

It really sounds to me like this person isn't fulfilling her role as a sponsor. Maybe her circumstances don't allow her to be the sponsor she should be, maybe she isn't honouring the commitment. I don't know enough about situation but maybe a sponsor who is in a better position to be there when you need to is in order.

kflee

I can say that I hate that feeling. 4 nights ago I had a bit of a breakdown to my sponsor. But she was friend first, and asked to take this responsibility on. She is not responding to me, only my husband. Now I feel like I have ruined that true bond of friendship we once had. I am very sad, hurt and confused about it. I have a new sponsor now. Good luck to you.

hopefulyogi

I guess I'm not sure how exactly to find the right sponsor. I mean, I feel like im higher maintenance than most and need someone who will set boundaries and not allow me to over depend. I thought that was what this woman was doing but now i just feel angry and alone. Any tips on finding the right sponsor for you?

p.s. I cannot thank you all enough for the responses. I managed to not drink as a result of the blow up but my head hurts from sobbing and knowing im not alone means the world right now.

jaynie04

You aren't alone. Maybe consider starting a thread in the 12 step forum to get other AA members input on what you should look for in a sponsor to suit your particular needs? Sometimes feeling empowered because we are taking charge of something in our lives can make us feel less desperate. Great job not drinking tonight!

gvrecovery

Sponsors are alcoholics too, maybe yours is drinking

peanutty

Might be a good idea to sit down with your sponsor and talk about your expectations of each other to be sure they match. They may not. My sponsor has made it clear that she won't continue to sponsor me if I relapse. That's her right: it's a volunteer position after all. Maybe your sponsor is having a hard time telling you she isn't comfortable with sponsoring someone still drinking occasionally? Dunno.

NoelleR

"...You took on a sponsor so she could be there when you needed someone..."

Actually, a sponsor is only supposed to guide a person through the steps of the program. Getting phone numbers of lots of folks at meetings for one's support group.....those are the folks to call when needed...........

(o:
NoelleR

P.S. For me, boundaries are what I'm willing to accept from others. A better time to call one's sponsor if before one takes a drink NOT after. Perhaps this is one of her boundaries.....eh?

hypochondriac

I am totally with you on the lack of boubdaries Yogi. I am reading a good book about it at the moment but I can't remember the name and I am on the bus... inbox me if you are interested. Thing is in this situation your sponsor isn't really there for you. It could be that she is trying to keep you at arms length but it doesn't seem to be working for you, so maybe widen the net? Get more people you can rely on rather than cling to just one. And in the mean time work on your boundary issues x