LonelyShadow

Hello all, this is my first time posting on here but I have read many threads, I thought I would give this site a try as support has been what's missing from my previous attempts at sobriety. Everyone on here seems so nice and supportive I thought I may as well give it a shot!

I'm 27 and have realised I have a serious problem with alcohol for about three years, I have attempted to quit many times but have never made it past 30 days, this repeating cycle is exhausting and I am terrified that one day I will relapse and never recover.

I had to move home with my parents about a year ago after I lost my flat, my job, my girlfriend and many friends due to severe depression caused in part to alcohol abuse. I worked at a school for children with severe psychiatric disorders and the stress ended up overwhelming me. When I began to feel suicidal I went to the doctor's, he signed me off of work with stress and I ended up never returning, I couldn't face that environment again and I knew I would not be able to control my drinking. I thought moving in with my parents again and starting anew is what I needed. Part of the plan was to stop drinking as well, and over the last year I have had stints of 22, 23, 25, and 31 days sobriety but inevitably I always relapse and go on a binge. During a binge I drink around 15 cans of cider a day for up to 14 days. I've recently just sobered up from a 14 day binge after being sober for the whole of January.

I am in absolute despair. I don't know why this happens to me, one sip of alcohol and I just absolutely lose control, I am good at moderation and responsibility in other areas of my life and keep fit and active and usually very happy and sociable, but the second I relapse that all goes out of the window and I drink hard and fast until I black out then pass out then repeat for days. I know I cannot drink, and right now I wouldn't touch a drop it's absolutely unthinkable, but I know that I'll get past twenty days and the relapse will seem inevitable. I want to know if other's have had a similar pattern to this and how to break this hideous cycle, I'm tired of the damage to my friends and family, to my body and entire life and if it continues it will kill me, so it has to stop. I am lost, lonely and afraid but here I am again, giving sobriety another shot.

Thank you for taking the time to read lovely people! It might sound silly but just typing this has helped me to get my thoughts together and look forward to sobriety
X

KateL

Welcome Lonely Shadow xxx

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

CelticZebra

Hello & welcome, I would suggest finding ways to relax and combat stress and also find out as much as you can about depression, maybe another trip to the doctor to discuss your issues.
I hope you can find some ways to break your cycle
Good luck

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Birdygirl

I agree with you - I am hoping too that writing I here will make this journey more "real" for me. Good luck my friend!

gleefan

You are in good company. So many of us have a story similar to yours, myself included. I have been successful at many things in my life, but moderating my intake of alcohol has never been one of them. Join our February 2014 forum. It's full of people who recently committed to sobriety, and in most cases participants have made numerous previous attempts.

hayley86

Welcome LonelyShadow, you will find lots of support and understanding here. Glad you have joined us.

least

You are not alone in your struggle. Many of us had false starts to sobriety. But many of us are remaining sober today.

You are smart to stop drinking at a young age.

LonelyShadow

Thanks guys! I'll check out that thread thanks gleefan,

CelticZebra (great name btw )I've read a lot about depression, anxiety and stress etc and I think you're right I should go back to the docs, I've never really been sure if I drank because of the depression or if I get depressed because of the drink, I was always EXTREMELY anxious as a child to the point of panic attacks and acute phobias so I suspect there may be some underlying cause that probably needs attention. Maybe going docs this time they can put something in place to prevent a relapse

Thanks for the welcome all!
x

LonelyShadow

Thank you least!

I'm glad i've recognised it's a problem this early on, I cannot imagine how much tougher it would be with 20-30 etc extra years of drinking behind me, absolutely in awe of all of the people who get sober after many years! It would be like stopping a freight train after it's gathered momentum!

Feeling positive and energised already, thanks!
X

awuh1

You may have several things going on which start you on a path to drinking. Depression, severe anxiety, and job stress can work together (or separately) to provide a slippery slope to that first drink. I suggest that you return for medical/mental health evaluations that might help with this.

The fact that you cannot moderate your drinking, after you have had just one, points to a hallmark of alcoholism. You might find being with people who have this same condition helpful. If you can be open minded enough to attend an AA meeting, you will likely find much that is useful there.

All the best to you.

LonelyShadow

Thank you awuh, I have considered AA and it might be time to try it, other support hasn't worked before so I might as well give it a shot.

Dee74

Hi LonelyShadow

to me I had to accept my alcoholism - no matter how awesome I was at other things or in other areas of my life, my relationship with alcohol was toxic.

It was dysfunctional too - normal people would have looked at the destruction my drinking caused and vowed to never drink again.

I would vow to control it...next time.

I think accepoting all that is a great step forward...as well as accepting it's the first drink that kicks all this off, not the 15

Support really helped me - it was a gamechanger. I know it will help you too

Welcome

D