malcolmsloan

Hello everyone, I just want to share a few reflections I was having driving into work today. I've been thinking a lot about the "never again" thoughts. I remember my first feelings when the phrase "never again" entered my mind. Panic. I quickly shifted to "one day at a time" and felt much better. However, I'm really interested in how addiction kicks and screams when we say "never again." Now, coming on 3 months sober, "never again" is starting to take on new meaning. Now, I see it as "never again" will I feel like sh!@ because of alcohol. "Never again" will I debate, fight, struggle, puke, cry, lament because of alchohol. After a while, it has turned into NOT "oh my God, I can never drink again," but instead into "thank God I will never drink again."

Just some thoughts. Old stuff for the vets, I know. But I thought it could maybe spark some insights.
Have a good day
-Malcolm

SayAnything

Thanks for that! I'm on day 3 here for the second time and that "never again" thought has given me trouble. I hope I can reach that shift in thinking someday soon.

2bhappier

I don't count days. I don't think about tomorrow. I literally work myself into a frenzy of anxiety when I think "never again". So, I just don't think like that. I hope never again but I can only really think about the next few hours. Maybe I am weak that way.

Nonsensical

My addiction doesn't know much, but he understands "never". He really hates that word.

F^@# him.

Great post!

Nonsensical

Whatever works. If you can face down an addiction you are strong beyond reckoning.

Ethos23

I felt similar to how you described the early stages of "never again." I felt the panic, but more pronounced was the feeling of depression. The depression one would feel if a very close friend or family member died. Sounds extreme, but it is true. As time progressed, I am on Day 41 today, I started to feel as you have described. I feel good to know that I am not a slave to the bottle, that my entire day is not centered around getting a drink in my system, not having to be hyper-vigilent not to get too drunk so as to avoid shakes and withdrawals the next day.

I have tried to boil down "never again" into a simple motion of not letting my hands pick up booze right now. That is the easiest way.

doggonecarl

In the beginning of my recovery, it was one day at a time (more like one hour at a time). But as I reflected back on my drinking and my alcoholism, I realized I had never been a normal drinker, never was going to be a normal drinker, and therefore, could never drink again.

Accepting never was a godsend to my recovery. I was done tricking myself that maybe, one day, I could drink.

ScottFromWI

I find it hard to say "never again" about anything in my life, there are just too many variables we face to somehow assume I have absolute control over anything indefinitely.

I do however realize that I cannot drink responsibly, and that if I do it will have very negative consequences. I cannot moderate, control, or in any way shape or form limit the amount or frequency of my alcohol consumption. I keep that in mind every day and my plan is to keep that in mind forever.

Climber122

The problem I have with "never" is that it's a best guess. There's a lot of things going on in my life today that I could not have predicted would happen a few years ago. I think it's more accurate for me to say "I intend to never drink again", but the truth is, I can't be sure. That attitude makes me more likely to continue to practice recovery - in other words do things (prayer, attending meetings, reading support literature, helping others etc.) that help keep me sober. Just saying "never" gives a false sense of "I made it - yep, done drinking and now I can take my foot off the gas." For me that opens the door to complacency and old patterns of thinking, which can lead back to old behavior patterns.

Itchy

Great post Malcolm!
I was looking for never for a year before I quit. Then my doc explained I would need to do medical detox to be safe. I knew all I needed was a jumpstart and found a one week inpatient detox I qualified for. It gave me a head start and with no alcohol or tobacco in my system, I came out to work my way through healing and having my body adjust to the absence of toxins. Many years before I quit smoking for 18 months and relapsed over one cigarette. Then it took me another 20 years, with the same inpatient detox except I had patches supplied for a year. All that time I swore if I could ever break free of smoking I would never make that mistake again.

I craved never, chose never over the slow death I felt in my bones, and saw in my morning shaking and vomiting that first coffee laced with a shot or two to stop the severe shaking.

I came out of detox and went through all the PAWS, anxiety, bowel wild swings, lack of sleep, endured gleefully because from day one I knew I had never firmly in hand. I flipped the never again switch in my head for life sometime before I found a program from which to stage my escape.

At most I knew from reading here, which I joined after I got out of detox, I had a few months of wild mood swings, scary thoughts, body changes and sleep deprivation. I knew all of it would pass. Some take a few months, mine almost six months but I handled all of that because I knew by never drinking again, that I would never have to go through any of that discomfort ever again. Why would I? I didn't have cravings at all. Perhaps a lot of opportunities to laugh at what used to trigger a drink. And how easily I substituted soft drinks for alcohol.

I felt I had finagled a free pass out of imprisonment on death row every bit as isolated and dependent as if in a real prison. Funny how it all just evaporated once I willed myself to walk away. Go back to prison and a death sentence willingly? I may be a recovered alcoholic, BUT NOT CRAZY!!!

Life is great. Now I can't figure how I could ever have been so self indulgent with no regard to the warnings that it can happen to anyone. Guess because most folks who quit don't want to talk about it. Except at AA. I got help there for my first three months too. It wasn't for me long term, but a great starting point for me to get ideas about local support, and find most go through the same stages getting off alcohol, just like the stages getting progressively worse were the same for all of us.
Never again will I rise and fall over a substance.

malcolmsloan

Hi everyone, cool thoughts. Just to be clear, I in no way meant to suggest that others feel as I feel or that this is the "way." I was looking to articulate my process. All of our paths are different, but we all share the same desire/goal: sobriety. I don't think "one day at a time" is weak, at all. I was trying to express a bit of freedom I felt from my personal revelation that I "never again" have to do something that is has been tormenting me from the age of 12. What's the line from the Johnny Cash song, "I don't have to do that anymore. . .?" I feel kinda like that.
-best to you all
-Malcolm

LadyinBC

When I first quit some days it was a minute at a time. I am still a one day at a time kind of person and I am at 18 months.

Deep down I know I can't go back and drink again, but the words never and forever, I just try not to think about it as it can make the task seem so daunting. Maybe someday I can look at it as never, but for now, getting thru each day seems to be working for me. That way I am just focused on not drinking today.

Dee74

It might be old stuff, but it's good stuff malcolm

I like this quote a lot:

A man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that's unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push.

-Ludwig Wittgenstein

MarathonMan

The thought of never fills me with hope....the never doesn't scare me.....tomorrow and the next day do, but never is like an idilac picture of what I could have if all goes well.

Notimetoloose

I really feel that when drugs and alcohol are no longer a priority or an anything in our lives. Saying never can become a reality.