I dont want to hurt anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 9
I dont want to hurt anymore
Hi there,
I am a college student edging closer and closer to my graduation date. I have been suffering with substance abuse for 5 years now, I have tried to control my addiction countless times, unsuccessfully. I have been hurting, dying for a long time now. I have lost control of my life, I do not like who I have become. I want to be happy, I want relief from this pain. It is a vicious cycle:drinking to numb the pain that drinking causes. I want out. I want control.
It started my senior year of high school. Growing up with high anxiety (GAD) and ADHD I never felt like I belonged among my peers. My self esteem was non existent. I have never made friends easily or been confident in myself. I struggled with severe social anxiety in highschool, and when I discovered the temporary sense of relief and confidence drinking gave me, I was hooked.
I can not believe how lucky I am be be alive at this point. I have spent the past 4 years of college binge drinking, every weekend, to the point of blackout. During my benders I have been very destructive, Ive wrecked a car, flooded the bathtub in the second story of my apartment, causing the roof to collapse, oh and passed out with candles on, lighting my house on fire. I have also been engaged in physical fights, becoming quite violent and aggressive.
It's been such a problem for such a long time. It has nearly ruined my life, it has put my family through so much hell. I have always justified my poor decision making by convincing myself that this is what your suppose to do in college but the truth it, my drinking it out of my control. If i have a sip, I can not stop until I am literally at my physical limit. I don't drink every night. But when I do, I drink a lot. And it almost always causes great drama or devastation. And I always wake up feeling painfully guilty, ashamed, humiliated. I've done things I can not believe, things I can hardly accept. I have been making excuses to cover up my addiction for 5 years now, and today is the day I want to start making a change. I've tried before, pretty much every time my alcoholism has been so obvious that others have pushed me to seek help. But this is the first day of my life where I really really really want to stop. I am ready to be sober, I am ready to stop drinking. I don't know how, I don't know what to do or where to start but I'm ready. And this is my first step.
I am a college student edging closer and closer to my graduation date. I have been suffering with substance abuse for 5 years now, I have tried to control my addiction countless times, unsuccessfully. I have been hurting, dying for a long time now. I have lost control of my life, I do not like who I have become. I want to be happy, I want relief from this pain. It is a vicious cycle:drinking to numb the pain that drinking causes. I want out. I want control.
It started my senior year of high school. Growing up with high anxiety (GAD) and ADHD I never felt like I belonged among my peers. My self esteem was non existent. I have never made friends easily or been confident in myself. I struggled with severe social anxiety in highschool, and when I discovered the temporary sense of relief and confidence drinking gave me, I was hooked.
I can not believe how lucky I am be be alive at this point. I have spent the past 4 years of college binge drinking, every weekend, to the point of blackout. During my benders I have been very destructive, Ive wrecked a car, flooded the bathtub in the second story of my apartment, causing the roof to collapse, oh and passed out with candles on, lighting my house on fire. I have also been engaged in physical fights, becoming quite violent and aggressive.
It's been such a problem for such a long time. It has nearly ruined my life, it has put my family through so much hell. I have always justified my poor decision making by convincing myself that this is what your suppose to do in college but the truth it, my drinking it out of my control. If i have a sip, I can not stop until I am literally at my physical limit. I don't drink every night. But when I do, I drink a lot. And it almost always causes great drama or devastation. And I always wake up feeling painfully guilty, ashamed, humiliated. I've done things I can not believe, things I can hardly accept. I have been making excuses to cover up my addiction for 5 years now, and today is the day I want to start making a change. I've tried before, pretty much every time my alcoholism has been so obvious that others have pushed me to seek help. But this is the first day of my life where I really really really want to stop. I am ready to be sober, I am ready to stop drinking. I don't know how, I don't know what to do or where to start but I'm ready. And this is my first step.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Welcome Aira. You remind me of me 20 years ago. My first night at college I got blackout drunk and my purse was stolen with all of my identification, etc. it was the precursor of much angst in my life. My GAD started there as well. I know now that it was because of my alcohol and pot consumption.
Good for you for recognizing the severity of what you are engaged in. That is such a big step at such a young age. You can save yourself decades of misery and woe if you nip this in the bud now. I commend you for being so honest with yourself.
Welcome to our family.
Good for you for recognizing the severity of what you are engaged in. That is such a big step at such a young age. You can save yourself decades of misery and woe if you nip this in the bud now. I commend you for being so honest with yourself.
Welcome to our family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 40
But this is the first day of my life where I really really really want to stop. I am ready to be sober, I am ready to stop drinking. I don't know how, I don't know what to do or where to start but I'm ready. And this is my first step.
Welcome!
Edit: I'd just like to add that SR is a huge help in achieving sobriety.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome aira! I know you're going to find SR very helpful as you begin your journey to a sober life. It sounds like you're more than ready to make this big change.
Every time I drank I had unpredictable results too. It changed my personality drastically. It had started out as something to calm my nerves & help me feel more comfortable - but it took over my life in the end. I waited far too long to come here and seek help. In the end I was drinking all day - my life was in danger. This won't happen to you - you've reached out for help and you can get free.
Every time I drank I had unpredictable results too. It changed my personality drastically. It had started out as something to calm my nerves & help me feel more comfortable - but it took over my life in the end. I waited far too long to come here and seek help. In the end I was drinking all day - my life was in danger. This won't happen to you - you've reached out for help and you can get free.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 5
I can certainly relate as a college student myself... I was always trying to convince myself that binge drinking every weekend was what everybody did - but the problem was I woke up feeling like crap, and my other friends would say things like, "Wasn't that so much fun?!?" I didn't have to drink every night. I could look forward to those one or two nights a week when I could get blackout wasted. I drank to cover up the pain, stress, and expectations.
It takes a lot to accept our complete powerlessness over alcohol and other drugs... Remember that you are no alone. Remember that this journey of sobriety can only be accomplished one day at a time - literally. When I first became sober I couldn't stop sobbing because I couldn't envision my life without my coping mechanism, my beloved alcohol. But it's not about a lifetime without alcohol... it's about sobriety today. Congratulations on taking that first step and reaching out! We're all here to support you.
It takes a lot to accept our complete powerlessness over alcohol and other drugs... Remember that you are no alone. Remember that this journey of sobriety can only be accomplished one day at a time - literally. When I first became sober I couldn't stop sobbing because I couldn't envision my life without my coping mechanism, my beloved alcohol. But it's not about a lifetime without alcohol... it's about sobriety today. Congratulations on taking that first step and reaching out! We're all here to support you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 9
Reading these posts is making me incredibly emotional. I can't even express my gratitude for such support from complete strangers...I have truly felt alone in this struggle. I have been trying to "cut back" on my drinking for a few months now, with some marginal success. I let go of the crowd that I had been hanging out with, realizing that our entire friendship revolved around alcohol. I thought that by isolating myself it would be easier to quit, after all if you don't have anyone to go out with you won't. And it has lowered the frequency of my intake but the fact remains the same: I can not drink in moderation. I can not have one glass of wine. I can't. Because if I do I will need another. Isolating myself has only made me more vulnerable, I'm lonely and sad, I self medicate and then I can't stop. I'm tried of lying to myself.
Thank you all for the kind words. I am so happy to have stumbled upon such a great online resource. I am proud of myself for standing up for myself, realizing that I do deserve to healthy. I sincerely hope that this time will finally be different.
Thank you all for the kind words. I am so happy to have stumbled upon such a great online resource. I am proud of myself for standing up for myself, realizing that I do deserve to healthy. I sincerely hope that this time will finally be different.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I'm not sure where you go to school, but chances are there are AA meetings close by. And let me assure you, you will find instant friends and nurturing there. You NEVER have to battle this alone. Never. You don't have to isolate. You can start to heal. I'm not currently active in the AA program, but one thing I know for sure, you will be absolutely welcomed with open arms by people who will love you until you can remember how to love yourself.
There is also campus counseling and Resident Assistants that are trained in helping the likes of us find help. I was an RA in college and knew every resource for addictions. At the time, anxiety was not a well known disorder, so I suffered tremendously. Alone.
You don't have to do that.
There is also campus counseling and Resident Assistants that are trained in helping the likes of us find help. I was an RA in college and knew every resource for addictions. At the time, anxiety was not a well known disorder, so I suffered tremendously. Alone.
You don't have to do that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 160
Welcome Aira! I just joined here earlier this week and it is a fantastic place. It is as if I know everyone here so well, since it is so easy to relate.
Unfortunately one thing college teaches us is how to binge drink. Many people graduate and just leave all that behind them... while others really have a problem. I was the latter.
Admitting it is the big step. Be honest with yourself and admit your problem.
I'm almost on the wrong side of 40, but I can totally relate. I'm not the drink every day kind of alcoholic. I'm the "there's no stopping once I get going" kind. Sure, now and again I can drink a reasonable amount, but most of the time I'm completely out of control.
I started back in college and 20 years later am just to the point where I finally admit what is going on.
Others with a lot more experience can help you more, but I can relate to not having an "off" switch. Mine is broken and has been for years. I drank until I passed out, or real life forced me to.
Unfortunately one thing college teaches us is how to binge drink. Many people graduate and just leave all that behind them... while others really have a problem. I was the latter.
Admitting it is the big step. Be honest with yourself and admit your problem.
I'm almost on the wrong side of 40, but I can totally relate. I'm not the drink every day kind of alcoholic. I'm the "there's no stopping once I get going" kind. Sure, now and again I can drink a reasonable amount, but most of the time I'm completely out of control.
I started back in college and 20 years later am just to the point where I finally admit what is going on.
Others with a lot more experience can help you more, but I can relate to not having an "off" switch. Mine is broken and has been for years. I drank until I passed out, or real life forced me to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 9
Having no off switch is exactly my problem...I've been denying how bad its been, again because it seems so normal in my social environment. Everyone I know drinks, every friendship I've had in the past 5 years have been based on booze. These friendships have validated my problem,made me feel like binge drinking is not really a bid deal.
It was the night I wrecked my car that I realized it really really was. I don't even know whatI hit, I just woke up with the front of my car smashed. I could have been killed, gone to jail, or worse, killed someone else and be left to deal with that on my conscious for the rest of my life(which with my anxiety, I know I simply could not handle, I would rather be dead.) That was a year ago. I hit "rock bottom" a year ago.
and i have tried getting involved with campus counseling for my abuse and anxiety multiple times but never followed through, I feel as though I've burned bridges there, but I am currently looking for an AA program. I'm going to need all the help I can get.
I'm going to be "out in the real world" in 6 months...graduating in my condition is such a huge accomplishment, but I don't want my bad habits to destroy my future, my chance at finding peace and happiness. I want to grow up, learn to be responsible and I want to make this life transition as a healthier, happier version of myself. I have suffered a lot and I really just can't anymore.
It was the night I wrecked my car that I realized it really really was. I don't even know whatI hit, I just woke up with the front of my car smashed. I could have been killed, gone to jail, or worse, killed someone else and be left to deal with that on my conscious for the rest of my life(which with my anxiety, I know I simply could not handle, I would rather be dead.) That was a year ago. I hit "rock bottom" a year ago.
and i have tried getting involved with campus counseling for my abuse and anxiety multiple times but never followed through, I feel as though I've burned bridges there, but I am currently looking for an AA program. I'm going to need all the help I can get.
I'm going to be "out in the real world" in 6 months...graduating in my condition is such a huge accomplishment, but I don't want my bad habits to destroy my future, my chance at finding peace and happiness. I want to grow up, learn to be responsible and I want to make this life transition as a healthier, happier version of myself. I have suffered a lot and I really just can't anymore.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 30
Thank you for posting here Aria and welcome to SR. Im glad to hear you've had enough and are ready to move in a better direction with life. I struggled with high anxiety and substance abuse since I was 13. I am 28 now and have clean and sober for 8 months now as a member of AA and SR. What was already said is so true, you don't have to do this alone. As a guy who has difficulty asking for help the people here have helped me a great deal when I really needed it. I encourage you to keep posting. take care
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I wouldn't worry too much about bridges burned in counseling. They are used to that sort of behavior in active addiction. But now you have a resolve. And a plan. And a purpose. So I would try again. You have to be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get sober and stay sober. So use every possible resource that you still have prior to graduating.
The alcohol makes the anxiety so very much worse. Once you put some time in between your last drink, it should start to ease up tremendously.
The alcohol makes the anxiety so very much worse. Once you put some time in between your last drink, it should start to ease up tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 214
Welcome Aira! This site has helped me a bunch to get started. I recommend watching some of the documentaries on alcohol that members have shared and research the kindling effect as well. I'm 25 and I think it's a great thing we're seeking help now instead of later! 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Glad you are here Aria!
A lot of what you said tells me you see the reality of what alcohol has brought into your life. That's a really good start and that can serve you well.
I saw my reality pretty clearly too so I got to fast forward straight to the how the heck do I do it. I didn't really know exactly how I was going to do it either at first. I just knew what I was doing wasn't working and I knew exactly what was causing it not to work. And I knew it wasn't going to improve.
So I started by saying that no matter what. No matter how bad I feel. No matter how much my brain screams for me to drink, I will do anything but pick up a drink. Anything.
There is a lot of anything out there! That's good news. I needed it.
And then the days started adding up. Some good. Some not so good. But the best part. I stopped hating myself. I may have had some crappy days but heck, I just got on here and blabbed it all out. But no matter what the day turned out to be. Waking up with no remorse or self loathing and disappointment...it was worth it. If that's all I got out of quitting, it still was better than what I had.
Stick around. Get support. You ain't alone.
Welcome!
A lot of what you said tells me you see the reality of what alcohol has brought into your life. That's a really good start and that can serve you well.
I saw my reality pretty clearly too so I got to fast forward straight to the how the heck do I do it. I didn't really know exactly how I was going to do it either at first. I just knew what I was doing wasn't working and I knew exactly what was causing it not to work. And I knew it wasn't going to improve.
So I started by saying that no matter what. No matter how bad I feel. No matter how much my brain screams for me to drink, I will do anything but pick up a drink. Anything.
There is a lot of anything out there! That's good news. I needed it.
And then the days started adding up. Some good. Some not so good. But the best part. I stopped hating myself. I may have had some crappy days but heck, I just got on here and blabbed it all out. But no matter what the day turned out to be. Waking up with no remorse or self loathing and disappointment...it was worth it. If that's all I got out of quitting, it still was better than what I had.
Stick around. Get support. You ain't alone.
Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 9
Thank you all
While I have struggled my whole life with anxiety issues I know alcohol escalades it. It fuels the self loathing like 360 shoes said, waking up without the disappointment and shame is worth quitting in itself, not to mention the health and financial benefits.
I'm thinking about checking out an AA meeting today...I'm neverous but I am ready. It is friday night, possibly the most tempting night to have a drink. I don't want to be alone for my first sober friday in a long , long time. But knowing I can jump on here, connect with other recovering addicts and share my fears is already such a relief.
I've also been trying to be more active, I think if i can channel some anxiety into the gym I can burn off some of the extra tension that gnaws at me throughout the day, convincing me that i need a drink to make it go away. has anyone found this to be helpful? If i can just stay consistent i know I can do it!
While I have struggled my whole life with anxiety issues I know alcohol escalades it. It fuels the self loathing like 360 shoes said, waking up without the disappointment and shame is worth quitting in itself, not to mention the health and financial benefits.
I'm thinking about checking out an AA meeting today...I'm neverous but I am ready. It is friday night, possibly the most tempting night to have a drink. I don't want to be alone for my first sober friday in a long , long time. But knowing I can jump on here, connect with other recovering addicts and share my fears is already such a relief.
I've also been trying to be more active, I think if i can channel some anxiety into the gym I can burn off some of the extra tension that gnaws at me throughout the day, convincing me that i need a drink to make it go away. has anyone found this to be helpful? If i can just stay consistent i know I can do it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hi Aira... welcome.
I have been and done a lot of what you describe. You don't have to remain stuck in this, and you don't have to wait until you're 41 and go through a lot more hell and consequences until you finally 'get it' - like I did.
I'm glad you're looking into AA. It has been a critical tool for me. Please get in there and give it a real, committed shot.
In the meantime, you can start here - read the Big Book.... when you get to an AA meeting, pickup a hard copy.
Big Book On Line - Table of Contents - Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
I have been and done a lot of what you describe. You don't have to remain stuck in this, and you don't have to wait until you're 41 and go through a lot more hell and consequences until you finally 'get it' - like I did.
I'm glad you're looking into AA. It has been a critical tool for me. Please get in there and give it a real, committed shot.
In the meantime, you can start here - read the Big Book.... when you get to an AA meeting, pickup a hard copy.
Big Book On Line - Table of Contents - Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 230
Hi Aira, you will find so much help here!! You are for sure headed in the right direction! I also think that it is awesome that someone like you who so young is seeking help!! This is a great step!! You are amongst friends!!
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