Should I be on here? Serious question.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 24
Should I be on here? Serious question.
My partner has stopped drinking. Not me. I helped him cut down, stood by him, supported him and helped him stop. Then he split up with me. He said he meets space, needs to do this on his own and wants to be single.
I need to know if this is common. Please can anyone shed any light?
I need to know if this is common. Please can anyone shed any light?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Welcome to SR
I know when I quit drinking it raised a whole host of issues in my relationship and about me too. I don't think your situation is uncommon.
I would respect his decision and concentrate on looking after yourself. Maybe go to Alanon and there is a Friends and Family section on SR which you may find helpful
I know when I quit drinking it raised a whole host of issues in my relationship and about me too. I don't think your situation is uncommon.
I would respect his decision and concentrate on looking after yourself. Maybe go to Alanon and there is a Friends and Family section on SR which you may find helpful
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,685
Hi Preparedtowait, welcome to SR.
I was the drinker and I've found since I've stopped I'm going through so many emotions I don't know my own mind enough yet to make any life changing decisions.
I'm in recovery and need time to recover.
Everyone deals with their sobriety in a different way. He may need time and patience. Well done for standing by him and giving your support.
Look after yourself for now, I can't offer any advice on how your partner is feeling, sorry, just that emotions run away with us.
I was the drinker and I've found since I've stopped I'm going through so many emotions I don't know my own mind enough yet to make any life changing decisions.
I'm in recovery and need time to recover.
Everyone deals with their sobriety in a different way. He may need time and patience. Well done for standing by him and giving your support.
Look after yourself for now, I can't offer any advice on how your partner is feeling, sorry, just that emotions run away with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 24
Thank you both for your responses. I wasn't sure if I should join but I feel so helpless. I have backed off, at first I couldn't believe it had happened. I will give him his space and hope he is ok. It is so hard. I will look for the friends and family section although I feel like I am nothing to him now. It's breaking my heart but I must try to respect his decision and accept that it may be over between us for good. Thanks again x
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
We have a friends and family forum on this site that has a lot of people who have experience with what you are dealing with, so yup, you came to the right place!
It's very common for relationships to change (and sometimes that means end) when one or both of the partners gets clean/sober. The substance is very often like a third member of the relationship and once it's gone the dynamics have to shake themselves out.
What I would suggest you NOT do, is tell yourself that it's just a stage, and he will come round and put your life on hold hoping that happens.
What you do with your life is up to you, but I suggest you NOT plan or contort it around him. We don't know what the future is, but we know the now, which is that he doesn't wan to be in this relationship.
Also, don't assume it has anything to do with you not being a good person or a good partner. This is not a judgement on you, your value or worth.
Breakups hurt, I understand that, but take care of you.
I am both a recovering addict and the girlfriend of a recovering alcoholic.
I had to leave him when he was drinking, hurt like heck. Hurt thinking I should have been able to convince him to stop, and that he chose booze (which he acknowledged made him miserable) over us. So I know this is not easy and that there is a LOT of hurt and soul searching. But getting on with my life was the thing I needed to do.
big hugs.
It's very common for relationships to change (and sometimes that means end) when one or both of the partners gets clean/sober. The substance is very often like a third member of the relationship and once it's gone the dynamics have to shake themselves out.
What I would suggest you NOT do, is tell yourself that it's just a stage, and he will come round and put your life on hold hoping that happens.
What you do with your life is up to you, but I suggest you NOT plan or contort it around him. We don't know what the future is, but we know the now, which is that he doesn't wan to be in this relationship.
Also, don't assume it has anything to do with you not being a good person or a good partner. This is not a judgement on you, your value or worth.
Breakups hurt, I understand that, but take care of you.
I am both a recovering addict and the girlfriend of a recovering alcoholic.
I had to leave him when he was drinking, hurt like heck. Hurt thinking I should have been able to convince him to stop, and that he chose booze (which he acknowledged made him miserable) over us. So I know this is not easy and that there is a LOT of hurt and soul searching. But getting on with my life was the thing I needed to do.
big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
People get sober and they don't want to be around anyone who is drinking or using,,but they don't know this until they get sober and withdrawals are over. It looks like poison to them. if the relationship is over is over..but you have to take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Yes--when one partner stops and the other doesn't, that really can be a problem for some people.
I'm not saying this is the case with you two, but the alcohol-free dynamic of only one partner can be a huge issue.
It has been for me. I've been married 18 years and I stopped two years ago.
My husband lost his drinking buddy essentially, and even though I by far had the greater
problem, his drinking really bothers me now. Unfair perhaps but true.
He says I'm no fun now and don't get his jokes. Drunk and sober run on different speeds socially for some perhaps.
I hope you take care of yourself, and I agree with others, don't wait around but move
on and be peaceful. The addiction is a huge factor and impacts everything.
I'm not saying this is the case with you two, but the alcohol-free dynamic of only one partner can be a huge issue.
It has been for me. I've been married 18 years and I stopped two years ago.
My husband lost his drinking buddy essentially, and even though I by far had the greater
problem, his drinking really bothers me now. Unfair perhaps but true.
He says I'm no fun now and don't get his jokes. Drunk and sober run on different speeds socially for some perhaps.
I hope you take care of yourself, and I agree with others, don't wait around but move
on and be peaceful. The addiction is a huge factor and impacts everything.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 24
Ok. This is terrible. Thank you all so much. But this is terrible. I am extremely distraught but you all say the same....move on, it's over. That kind of thing. I must do that then although it is breaking my heart. I don't have a drink issue and haven't drank in front if him (or not in front of him). x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 16
I feel for you, it must be terribly frustrating. You stood by him through his addiction, helped him cut down, supported him when you could have walked as many would have; and eventually helped him quit.
....and he repays your loyalty and support by breaking up with you as soon as he is strong and well enough to be able to make that decision. I would feel a horrible sense of betrayal and disappointment.
Maybe he does need to do it on his own, nonetheless he could have decided that when he was in the midst of his addiction. But he decided to take a leg up from someone and then split on that person...
Perhaps when he has his head together he will realise how lucky he was to have a supportive, loyal and loving woman like you....but perhaps by that time you will have moved on to someone who appreciates you for who you are.
....and he repays your loyalty and support by breaking up with you as soon as he is strong and well enough to be able to make that decision. I would feel a horrible sense of betrayal and disappointment.
Maybe he does need to do it on his own, nonetheless he could have decided that when he was in the midst of his addiction. But he decided to take a leg up from someone and then split on that person...
Perhaps when he has his head together he will realise how lucky he was to have a supportive, loyal and loving woman like you....but perhaps by that time you will have moved on to someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Floripa
Posts: 121
Well good news is that the best way to get over him is also the best way to get him to come back.
Just let him be alone, dont contact him, and focus on some things you need to sort out in your life. Every time he pops into your mind try force yourself to think about something else. I promise you that delving into the world of missing him will not help you nor will it magically be felt through the mountains sent to his heart like an electromagetic wave of unrequited love.
If he had stayed an alcoholic he would have been no good to you.
I can tell you that the period of alcohol withdrawal is insidious and can be affecting you emotionally greatly even if you can't admit it to yourself.
Just let him be alone, dont contact him, and focus on some things you need to sort out in your life. Every time he pops into your mind try force yourself to think about something else. I promise you that delving into the world of missing him will not help you nor will it magically be felt through the mountains sent to his heart like an electromagetic wave of unrequited love.
If he had stayed an alcoholic he would have been no good to you.
I can tell you that the period of alcohol withdrawal is insidious and can be affecting you emotionally greatly even if you can't admit it to yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 24
Thanks again to everyone. I am glad I joined. Yes, it is very unfair that he has stopped drinking then suddenly finishes with me. 3 days after declaring his love for me, saying thank you for standing by me etc. I am distraught, seriously can't think straight, stomach churning, heart in mouth. The thought of us being over is killing me but yes, I must try to put it out of my mind. We were friends/colleagues for nearly 2 years and this developed into a relationship in the summer. It moved very fast but there have been a lot of ups and downs stemming from his drinking and inevitable indecisive behaviour. When we set out on the mission to cut back on the drinking just after Christmas then the stopping a few weeks ago I thought we were solid! I was looking to the future through optimistic eyes. I had no idea he would suddenly finish with me. I know many of you have dealt with this for years so feel guilty as I have not been involved for very long but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 24
He has my heart, completely. I need to move on though, i don't mean date or meet other men, i have absolutely no interest in any other men at all. I know I need to let him go though, he said he wants to be single.....But I need the strength to NOT contact him!! I just want to call or text but I know I can't! It is hell.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 16
It sounds like your in a state of shock. Which is normal when you don't see a break-up coming. Which you wouldn't after receiving a declaration of love three days before. After getting through something together and being thanked for it. Thinking you are solid. It hits like a thunderbolt. Turns your world upside down.
I know that pain. I had the worst and most painful breakup of my life a few months back. There were many variables involved; lies, betrayals, false promises, misrepresentations.....and an all together extraordinary actress.
That pain is physical! I felt it in my chest as well as the churning stomach! But it goes...eventually. The no-contact is essential to break (or at least greatly diminish) the emotional attachment.
One on one counselling is great to get through the negative emotions and come out the other side. And exercise....lots of exercise! (sometimes that has to be forced...but it's worth it for the free and natural "feel good drugs"!)
I know that pain. I had the worst and most painful breakup of my life a few months back. There were many variables involved; lies, betrayals, false promises, misrepresentations.....and an all together extraordinary actress.
That pain is physical! I felt it in my chest as well as the churning stomach! But it goes...eventually. The no-contact is essential to break (or at least greatly diminish) the emotional attachment.
One on one counselling is great to get through the negative emotions and come out the other side. And exercise....lots of exercise! (sometimes that has to be forced...but it's worth it for the free and natural "feel good drugs"!)
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
prepared, huge hugs. this is an extremely painful situation, and yes, you do need to take care of yourself but also allow yourself the respect of going through the grief.
There is no quick way to just stop thinking about it etc. Moving on still allows for proper grieving. I want you to know that we aren't just saying "Pffftt, get over it girl"...direct your life the way it needs to go to take care of your best interests, and don't wait or chase after him, but don't think you shouldn't feel the way you feel. Healing will come in time.
No need in thinking right now about dating, or meeting anyone else or anything like that. I hope you have some friends and family around for support, we are here for you as well.
big big hugs
There is no quick way to just stop thinking about it etc. Moving on still allows for proper grieving. I want you to know that we aren't just saying "Pffftt, get over it girl"...direct your life the way it needs to go to take care of your best interests, and don't wait or chase after him, but don't think you shouldn't feel the way you feel. Healing will come in time.
No need in thinking right now about dating, or meeting anyone else or anything like that. I hope you have some friends and family around for support, we are here for you as well.
big big hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 24
Thank you so much. Both of you (and everyone else). Your support is greatly appreciated. I just hope he's ok. Although I doubt he's thinking about me. I don't think he will drink again. I have faith in him for that at least. x
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Welcome! I'm sorry you're in such a sad situation but we can't control the actions of others. We can only control our own actions. I hope you can move on from this and find your own life. 
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