What/Who caused you become an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Yeh she is. I had not felt like a drink for 5 days and then she called me and then after 15 minutes of her crap I was about to hang up the phone and go get 20 beers."
I broke off a relationaship a few years ago. after id get calls from her I would get pretty angry( didn't want to run out and get a 12 pack of resentments.just angry.)there i'd be gripin at my friend until one day he said:"tom, she calls. who picks up the phone on the other end? who is it that listens to it? so who's really responsible for your anger?"
"Quiting drink is easy unless you have serious physical complications. But emotionally quiting is easy."
there are many here, including myself, that will disagree that it's easy. simple, maybe, but not easy.
well worth the fight though.
yer venting. we are giving suggestions for solutions. that's how it works here.
I broke off a relationaship a few years ago. after id get calls from her I would get pretty angry( didn't want to run out and get a 12 pack of resentments.just angry.)there i'd be gripin at my friend until one day he said:"tom, she calls. who picks up the phone on the other end? who is it that listens to it? so who's really responsible for your anger?"
"Quiting drink is easy unless you have serious physical complications. But emotionally quiting is easy."
there are many here, including myself, that will disagree that it's easy. simple, maybe, but not easy.
well worth the fight though.
yer venting. we are giving suggestions for solutions. that's how it works here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Yeh she is. I had not felt like a drink for 5 days and then she called me and then after 15 minutes of her crap I was about to hang up the phone and go get 20 beers.
I say it's your inability to deal with her and your relationship with her that caused you to find a maladaptive solution in alcohol.
can you see the difference?
One, it's external, and you can't do anything about it...but in the other scenario, you certainly can...
Either way I'm really glad you're looking for better healthier, more positive choices GB
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SE Arizona
Posts: 1,099
I started drinking because I liked the "buzz". I tried weed for the same reason. Perhaps I have what is termed an "addictive" personality. At any rate, I can't blame anyone but myself.
I had good parents and a wonderful family life when I was young. I married well and have been happily married for over 50 years. Sure, it would be great to be able to blame other people or beer adds or anything other than myself for my drinking habit but it would be dishonest, at best, to do that.
Before I was able to quit I had to take full ownership of the notion that my drinking was because of me and that it was my problem to solve. This is your basic step 1 in AA. Donning the mantle of victim-hood just provides an excuse to continue your self destruction.
I had good parents and a wonderful family life when I was young. I married well and have been happily married for over 50 years. Sure, it would be great to be able to blame other people or beer adds or anything other than myself for my drinking habit but it would be dishonest, at best, to do that.
Before I was able to quit I had to take full ownership of the notion that my drinking was because of me and that it was my problem to solve. This is your basic step 1 in AA. Donning the mantle of victim-hood just provides an excuse to continue your self destruction.
A Little Wingy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 923
If I were to lay blame on it, I'd say running into the wrong person, and the wrong time, at the lowest of lows in my life at a young age. It showed me, it would take pain away, only to cause a worse pain.
I've changed my thinking about that today. It was me, making a bad choice.
I've changed my thinking about that today. It was me, making a bad choice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 608
I think if we are blaming our alcoholism on other people, we aren't really taking ownership of it which will make recovery difficult. In my opinion, we have to accept the fact that we are powerless to control ourself over alcohol - which is fine, it's not a character flaw or a liability in my eyes, we can choose not to drink to avoid the situation entirely. If we resort to blaming other people, or other situations, then we are passing the buck and not accepting responsibility for our lives.
Personally, I don't really know why I am an alcoholic. I suppose it might have been due to growing up in an environment which alcohol was the "norm". My parents, all of my family (I have a huge family), and everyone else I knew from a young age always drank and it was accepted as the thing you do, I guess. I grew up with this mindset. I also noticed that when I got older, this "quiet, shy" kid could lose inhibitions and become more outgoing, thus being more popular with girls and whatnot. I seemed to "matter" more when I was drinking, because I was much more outgoing and "popular", in my eyes. Of course, that was only in my eyes. I am sure I was the butt of most jokes in hindsight.
In the end, I suppose my lack of confidence growing up was a contributing factor to my alcoholism in later years. I just wanted to matter, you know? I wanted to contribute to a social situation, and not just be wallpaper. This is what I believe I was thinking, at least on a sub-conscious level.
I think it's important you take a brutally honest approach with yourself when you are at the very beginning stages of recovery. Ask yourself why you feel that you drink. The results are usually not pretty, but you know, none of us are perfect. Us particular folks have developed an intolerance to drinking a poison - so what? I'm sure I wouldn't be able to be a social heroin user either, but I don't dwell on that. I'll never be an astronaut, I will never be an NFL linebacker, I accept my limitations. There are other things I'm good at.
Anyway, good luck with your recovery!
Personally, I don't really know why I am an alcoholic. I suppose it might have been due to growing up in an environment which alcohol was the "norm". My parents, all of my family (I have a huge family), and everyone else I knew from a young age always drank and it was accepted as the thing you do, I guess. I grew up with this mindset. I also noticed that when I got older, this "quiet, shy" kid could lose inhibitions and become more outgoing, thus being more popular with girls and whatnot. I seemed to "matter" more when I was drinking, because I was much more outgoing and "popular", in my eyes. Of course, that was only in my eyes. I am sure I was the butt of most jokes in hindsight.
In the end, I suppose my lack of confidence growing up was a contributing factor to my alcoholism in later years. I just wanted to matter, you know? I wanted to contribute to a social situation, and not just be wallpaper. This is what I believe I was thinking, at least on a sub-conscious level.
I think it's important you take a brutally honest approach with yourself when you are at the very beginning stages of recovery. Ask yourself why you feel that you drink. The results are usually not pretty, but you know, none of us are perfect. Us particular folks have developed an intolerance to drinking a poison - so what? I'm sure I wouldn't be able to be a social heroin user either, but I don't dwell on that. I'll never be an astronaut, I will never be an NFL linebacker, I accept my limitations. There are other things I'm good at.
Anyway, good luck with your recovery!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
My boss frequently comes into my office and makes moronic suggestions. He makes me feel like throwing the stapler at his head.
One of my co-workers is a hottie. She makes me feel like inviting her to a cheap motel for a long lunch break.
Even though I have asked about 1,000 times, my wife continues to leave the cap off the toothpaste tube. She makes me feel like emptying the whole tube on her pillow to teach her a lesson.
Interesting thing about feelings - I don't actually have to do anything about them.
One of my co-workers is a hottie. She makes me feel like inviting her to a cheap motel for a long lunch break.
Even though I have asked about 1,000 times, my wife continues to leave the cap off the toothpaste tube. She makes me feel like emptying the whole tube on her pillow to teach her a lesson.
Interesting thing about feelings - I don't actually have to do anything about them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
In my case I think there were many "causes". One "cause" was the college drinking culture. Those "football weekends" and the parties afterwards. Everyone pretty well sloshed on Saturday night. Sure my mother was often "toxic" like yours, and idolized my sister. My role was only to be "average", immature compared to my sister's sophistication and superior talents. Her death later on left me with guilt, giving me many an excuse to "explain" why I drank. And I had been told by my dad that if I drank only beer I would never become an alcoholic. I drank lots of beer and guess what! So I have lots of folks to "blame" for what happened. But where do I fit in? It was me who did the drinking. I drank because it made me feel good, more secure, because underneath it all I was shy and insecure. I used it to self medicate against the stresses of the real world. And when asked why I drank I blamed my mom, my sister. I went to counselors for years to talk about the "cause", since they appeared to believe that once I found the "cause" the alcoholism would disappear. It didn't. The reason it didn't disappear was that, like any other illness, finding the "cause" or believing to have found it, is not enough. To get well a person has to get on a program of recovery, seek help from other recovering alcoholics. This I finally did. It took me forty years to get around to that and I've been sober for over 25 years. I don't worry about the "cause" any more. I just keep doing what I'm doing, and keep not doing what I did for so many years long ago.
W.
W.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Even if I could pinpoint a cause of my alcoholism, it wouldn't really make a difference. It's more important to realize and accept it and then do something about it. Just as my son who has a peanut allergy doesn't worry about what caused it, he deals with it by not eating peanuts and avoiding contact with it.
Don't live in the past GreenBottles - if you want to do something about your drinking worry about today. You can't change anything that has happened already, but you can change what happens moving forward.
Don't live in the past GreenBottles - if you want to do something about your drinking worry about today. You can't change anything that has happened already, but you can change what happens moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Springfield, IL
Posts: 10
Reading your post I don't really see how your mother's behavior is all that problematic. She was proud of her son in her own way, possibly overprotective and neurotic at times but I don't see how that would drive you to drink. I suffer a lot from early family memories which included a sometimes absent mother and a roughly non-existent alcoholic father. It was tough and its probably why I drink to some degree but I wouldn't say their behavior drove me to drink.
I think you numb things out to the point where you just don't want to process stuff anymore but of course you cant be drunk all the time so you're going to encounter the painful memories at some point. When you do, you want to drink because drinking makes them go away temporarily. I struggle with a lot of mental health issues and in some sense I "self-medicate" with alcohol, but its more than that really - I just can't accept myself for who I am and that isn't really intertwined with my family experiences even if they are difficult.
I hope that you settle some things in your life and that your relationship with your mother improves but you need to find yourself and hopefully in time you will be able to forgive your mother.
I think you numb things out to the point where you just don't want to process stuff anymore but of course you cant be drunk all the time so you're going to encounter the painful memories at some point. When you do, you want to drink because drinking makes them go away temporarily. I struggle with a lot of mental health issues and in some sense I "self-medicate" with alcohol, but its more than that really - I just can't accept myself for who I am and that isn't really intertwined with my family experiences even if they are difficult.
I hope that you settle some things in your life and that your relationship with your mother improves but you need to find yourself and hopefully in time you will be able to forgive your mother.
Trudging the Road
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: western New York, USA
Posts: 117
I have no idea what "caused" me to become an alcoholic. Whether it's nature or nurture, is irrelevant to me, I know I cannot drink like normal people. Unless the "cause" can be definitively identified and "fixed" so that I can drink like normal people, the "why's" are pointless. At any rate, if I ever can drink like normal people, I'd drink all day, so I guess I'd better stay away from booze, forever!
What triggered my drinking like an alkie was manifold. I was a serious social drinker for a few years, then a failed office romance spurred my drinking to "feel better" and "cope with problems." The failed office romance caused a job loss as (I'm guessing) the lady was creeped out and threatened by my alcohol-fueled attitude towards her. (Not only did she spurn my advances, but at about the same time got a promotion that I thought I deserved. That was one reason she rejected me. So, I had to "cope" with rejection on two fundamental fronts: romance and financial security. Oh, add pride, too.
So, I drank for fortification, then pain management (psych pain). Then to cope with the job loss. I think I drank nothing but Captain Morgan's Original Puerto Rican Spiced Rum for a month. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. What food I ate was minimal.
The drinking eased up, I developed better coping skills, returned to semi-productive membership is society until a later job induced serious stresses on my pride and self-esteem. I lost that job, too.
Probably more than you wanted to know, but what they hey! ;-)
PS: About 10 years after I lost the job over the romance and lost promotion, out of curiosity I Googled her name. I discovered that she still worked for the company, although elsewhere. She had blossomed as an employee (her work ethic when I knew her was deficient, which is why I felt that I should have gotten that promotion) and apparently had done great work in the years after I left. I was surprised by my initial reaction to my discoveries. I WAS HAPPY FOR HER!!!!! Sheesh, maybe there's something to this 12 Step recovery process after all, Spritual growth and progression, forgiveness, etc.
Wow.
What triggered my drinking like an alkie was manifold. I was a serious social drinker for a few years, then a failed office romance spurred my drinking to "feel better" and "cope with problems." The failed office romance caused a job loss as (I'm guessing) the lady was creeped out and threatened by my alcohol-fueled attitude towards her. (Not only did she spurn my advances, but at about the same time got a promotion that I thought I deserved. That was one reason she rejected me. So, I had to "cope" with rejection on two fundamental fronts: romance and financial security. Oh, add pride, too.
So, I drank for fortification, then pain management (psych pain). Then to cope with the job loss. I think I drank nothing but Captain Morgan's Original Puerto Rican Spiced Rum for a month. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. What food I ate was minimal.
The drinking eased up, I developed better coping skills, returned to semi-productive membership is society until a later job induced serious stresses on my pride and self-esteem. I lost that job, too.
Probably more than you wanted to know, but what they hey! ;-)
PS: About 10 years after I lost the job over the romance and lost promotion, out of curiosity I Googled her name. I discovered that she still worked for the company, although elsewhere. She had blossomed as an employee (her work ethic when I knew her was deficient, which is why I felt that I should have gotten that promotion) and apparently had done great work in the years after I left. I was surprised by my initial reaction to my discoveries. I WAS HAPPY FOR HER!!!!! Sheesh, maybe there's something to this 12 Step recovery process after all, Spritual growth and progression, forgiveness, etc.
Wow.
Last edited by sobercatholic; 02-04-2014 at 06:59 AM. Reason: spelling, grammar, style
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I chose to drink because I thought that if I could give myself a "break" from reality for a few hours a day I would be better able to manage the rest of my life.
Then I got hooked. I chose to drink, I think that my metabolism led me to be more susceptible to alcohol addiction that some people. But I did set out to drink, to get drunk, fully understanding that it was stupid and that I was already using alcohol abusively and that alcoholism was a possible result.
Yeah, part of me said "ah, but I'm too smart for that, I'll quit before I get to that point"....but when one is drinking it's hard to discern just what "that point" is. And it's harder to care.
I've heard of some rare but actual cases of people who's parent gave them booze, even as infants to get them to sleep etc. I think it might be fair for them to say that their parents are responsible, having provided them with alcohol when they had no choice. But most of us can't claim that. But it does happen. I know of a gal who's daddy got her drunk from the age of 10 on so he could play his games with her. It's truly not her fault she became an alcoholic. Still, it was up to her to get sober. An amazing example of the resiliency of the human spirit.
Then I got hooked. I chose to drink, I think that my metabolism led me to be more susceptible to alcohol addiction that some people. But I did set out to drink, to get drunk, fully understanding that it was stupid and that I was already using alcohol abusively and that alcoholism was a possible result.
Yeah, part of me said "ah, but I'm too smart for that, I'll quit before I get to that point"....but when one is drinking it's hard to discern just what "that point" is. And it's harder to care.
I've heard of some rare but actual cases of people who's parent gave them booze, even as infants to get them to sleep etc. I think it might be fair for them to say that their parents are responsible, having provided them with alcohol when they had no choice. But most of us can't claim that. But it does happen. I know of a gal who's daddy got her drunk from the age of 10 on so he could play his games with her. It's truly not her fault she became an alcoholic. Still, it was up to her to get sober. An amazing example of the resiliency of the human spirit.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I wonder whether the now diminished popularity of Freudian psychoanalysis encouraged the search for a "cause" of mental disturbance, assuming that, once the "cause" was found, the neurosis would subside in an epiphany like the one experienced by Ingrid Bergman on the ski slope in the movie "Spellbound". So the patient came to "realize" that he/she had been a "victim" with the finger of blame often pointed at the mother. Towards the end of Victorian times, at the turn of the Century, the culprit was a man, at least in music hall songs, such as "You made me what I am today! (I hope you're satisfied!)" or "She's more to be pitied than censored, she's more to be helped than despised! She's only a lady who ventured. Down life's rocky road ill advised!" (concluding with the admonition that "a Man was the cause of it all!"). In how many counseling sessions did I portray myself as a "victim", blaming my mother, my dad, my sister. The only member of the family free from blame was my dog.
W.
W.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by jdooner 
Honestly I don't really believe in the term alcoholic. I believe we are addicts and those that self identify with alcoholism are addicted to alcohol. What I have learned is that my addictive behavior and personality goes well beyond just a drink or drug of choice in terms of substance abuse.
I believe my parents and my environment played a big role in how I developed but that is not to say they made me an addict. I liken this to blaming someone for not being born a Royal. Its the cards we are dealt and now its up to the individual to play them out as best we can.
I have wealth but see no difference between myself and a homeless person shooting up. The only difference between us is progression of our same disease and the knowledge that I have to setup a program to remain abstinent. Anything less will lead us both to the same dire outcome.
I believe my parents and my environment played a big role in how I developed but that is not to say they made me an addict. I liken this to blaming someone for not being born a Royal. Its the cards we are dealt and now its up to the individual to play them out as best we can.
I have wealth but see no difference between myself and a homeless person shooting up. The only difference between us is progression of our same disease and the knowledge that I have to setup a program to remain abstinent. Anything less will lead us both to the same dire outcome.
Alcoholic beverages are universally and socially accepted as part of the normal fare available by choice of adults around the world, and this has been going on for centuries. For me, alcohol is not about free choice anymore, my alcoholism has taken my choice off the table. The only real choice I can make now with respect to alcohol is to not drink alcohol since moderation only brings epic failure, lol.
In this way, alcoholism and alcoholic are respectively relative terms to me from my past and with my present lifestyle. At the end of all the talk of terms of this and that though, I walk on as a recovered alcoholic drug addict. Yay me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: na
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by GreenBottles
*I have not drunk for 5 days. I am attempting to quit for the 1000th time.
In my case, it was my mother. If I tried to tell her that over the last 20 years that I started failing and enjoyed failing to spite her then she would protest that she only ever loved me as much as she could and did everything for me and that she was an orphan and had nobody who loved her and well.....thats my point to her.
You see, she didnt know how to love. She wasnt loving me, she was possessing me, owning me. And this meant that anytime I tried to tell her my feelings and needs it literally did not register in her head. She always did what she thought I needed, or what she thought was being a good mother.
I have one perfect example, but it is one of 1000s of examples and drove me to total despair and the loss of the will to succeed.
I started playing Bassoon when I was in Year 7. I passed my Bassoon Grade 1 exam and then she put the certificate in a frame and on the wall. Ok, that seems normal. But the next year when I got Grade 2 she put that as well in a frame and put it on the wall next to my Grade 1 framed certificate (Same size certificates, new frame).
Then after Grade 3, and I was starting to become aware of things being not what is normal I asked her to take down the old certificates since if I have Grade 3 then obviously I am better than 1 and 2.
She refused.
So the next year I jumped Grade 4, didn't do it, and went straight to Grade 5
(I realise now it was to spite her, I thought then that she would click that there is no Grade 4, so shouldnt she be ashamed that I did not do Grade 4?)
She went and put up Grade 5 next to 1,2 and 3.
As I got older, I got violent about it several times because she had started building a shrine in a room in the house where I had to pass through there and look at it all everyday, and my friends would all see this too.
She had put up about 300 photos of me across the house.
Also, all my "successes" were really nothing much than normal average progression, I really wasnt "special".
After Grade 5 I quit Bassoon, it was making me miserable because of her. Everytime we met new people together she would never fail to mention that I played bassoon, and all the other things I did.
Even ten years after I never touched a bassoon she would always mention it.
On the other side of it, I also would feel terribly guily for hating her. I had no father, no brothers and sisters, no family, just my orphan mother and me and my step-father who was not allowed to defend me to her.
When I got to Uni (I was naturally intelligent could pass almost any exam 100% if I wanted to) she then owned my University life, told everyone I was at Uni, and it was always in a show-off way, as though my successes were her successes.
But going back to the Bassoon and the framed Grades - Notice that almost anyone in the world would agree with me that it looked stupid to make new frames for the next Grades rather than swap the old one for the new one?
And notice she didnt care about how I felt about it? I didnt exist. ME, myself, and I did not exist.
Due to the guilt of hating her, of being embarassed by her, I was always blaming myself and thinking it must be that I am immature, that its normal for mothers to be like this, and that I need to grow up.
I carried these feelings always. I could not enjoy anything without fearing how she would boast about it. I went on a school camp and won the top award and that followed with her framing a dozen photos of the event of me.
The more success I had, the exponentially worse her boasting and picture frames got.
But I was never proud of any of these. The real pride would come in finishing a PhD? Probably not. My real pride would come in my own place, having found myself and knowing that what I built had both done alot of good for society and also made me alot of guilt-free personal wealth and freedom.
Well, one day when I was about 15-16 I started to discover that this constant sadness and guilt and despair (the irrational nature of her being non-negotiable even to the point of the above perfect example of the Bassoon), well I discovered the only thing that had ever taken away that ache - BEER.
And from then on, from 16 began the continued increase in beer consumption. At that time because if UNi it was binge drinking, then later, about 24 when I had finally finished ONE of my degrees, I dropped out of everything, stopped pursuing any success in life and bought a Kombi van, went on social security and became a full-time alcoholic, and kind of wanting to die because she had made me hate success.
I know how and why I became an alcoholic.
My story gets worse but I am still alive. Realising that living in Australia I could never get away from her, that she would always chase me around the country to come and visit, and that I would always be calling her for money because I had become dysfunctional from all of it, socially dysfunctional because of all the social interactions of my life my mother had been smothering me in public everywhere so I never learnt the foundations of normality, I one day went to Brasil 7 years ago and never came back. Realising that she would find a way to get me back, and needing her money to survive, I realised when I was on drunk binges and full of crazy courage, that if I sent terrorist threats to the Australian government based on political motivations then they wouldn't be able to Extradite me but they would have to wait to pounce on me if I ever returned to the country.
I told my mother all that I had done so that she would understand I could never come back. Her being terrified of Brasil and me in it, she kept sending me money.
And you know what else, life and the years move very quickly when you are an alcoholic and suddenly you wake up one morning and realise that you are 38 and have been drunk for the last 20 years and achieved relatively nothing, cause you were mostly drunk, and when you are drunk you can achieve almost nothing.
I am not depressed about it, and I dont crave for beer. Its just that with the neural pathways I developed around it if I have one beer I will have 100. I cant stop. If offers me ONE beer and I knew there were no more beers I would decline. I dont like ONE beer.
In my case, it was my mother. If I tried to tell her that over the last 20 years that I started failing and enjoyed failing to spite her then she would protest that she only ever loved me as much as she could and did everything for me and that she was an orphan and had nobody who loved her and well.....thats my point to her.
You see, she didnt know how to love. She wasnt loving me, she was possessing me, owning me. And this meant that anytime I tried to tell her my feelings and needs it literally did not register in her head. She always did what she thought I needed, or what she thought was being a good mother.
I have one perfect example, but it is one of 1000s of examples and drove me to total despair and the loss of the will to succeed.
I started playing Bassoon when I was in Year 7. I passed my Bassoon Grade 1 exam and then she put the certificate in a frame and on the wall. Ok, that seems normal. But the next year when I got Grade 2 she put that as well in a frame and put it on the wall next to my Grade 1 framed certificate (Same size certificates, new frame).
Then after Grade 3, and I was starting to become aware of things being not what is normal I asked her to take down the old certificates since if I have Grade 3 then obviously I am better than 1 and 2.
She refused.
So the next year I jumped Grade 4, didn't do it, and went straight to Grade 5
(I realise now it was to spite her, I thought then that she would click that there is no Grade 4, so shouldnt she be ashamed that I did not do Grade 4?)
She went and put up Grade 5 next to 1,2 and 3.
As I got older, I got violent about it several times because she had started building a shrine in a room in the house where I had to pass through there and look at it all everyday, and my friends would all see this too.
She had put up about 300 photos of me across the house.
Also, all my "successes" were really nothing much than normal average progression, I really wasnt "special".
After Grade 5 I quit Bassoon, it was making me miserable because of her. Everytime we met new people together she would never fail to mention that I played bassoon, and all the other things I did.
Even ten years after I never touched a bassoon she would always mention it.
On the other side of it, I also would feel terribly guily for hating her. I had no father, no brothers and sisters, no family, just my orphan mother and me and my step-father who was not allowed to defend me to her.
When I got to Uni (I was naturally intelligent could pass almost any exam 100% if I wanted to) she then owned my University life, told everyone I was at Uni, and it was always in a show-off way, as though my successes were her successes.
But going back to the Bassoon and the framed Grades - Notice that almost anyone in the world would agree with me that it looked stupid to make new frames for the next Grades rather than swap the old one for the new one?
And notice she didnt care about how I felt about it? I didnt exist. ME, myself, and I did not exist.
Due to the guilt of hating her, of being embarassed by her, I was always blaming myself and thinking it must be that I am immature, that its normal for mothers to be like this, and that I need to grow up.
I carried these feelings always. I could not enjoy anything without fearing how she would boast about it. I went on a school camp and won the top award and that followed with her framing a dozen photos of the event of me.
The more success I had, the exponentially worse her boasting and picture frames got.
But I was never proud of any of these. The real pride would come in finishing a PhD? Probably not. My real pride would come in my own place, having found myself and knowing that what I built had both done alot of good for society and also made me alot of guilt-free personal wealth and freedom.
Well, one day when I was about 15-16 I started to discover that this constant sadness and guilt and despair (the irrational nature of her being non-negotiable even to the point of the above perfect example of the Bassoon), well I discovered the only thing that had ever taken away that ache - BEER.
And from then on, from 16 began the continued increase in beer consumption. At that time because if UNi it was binge drinking, then later, about 24 when I had finally finished ONE of my degrees, I dropped out of everything, stopped pursuing any success in life and bought a Kombi van, went on social security and became a full-time alcoholic, and kind of wanting to die because she had made me hate success.
I know how and why I became an alcoholic.
My story gets worse but I am still alive. Realising that living in Australia I could never get away from her, that she would always chase me around the country to come and visit, and that I would always be calling her for money because I had become dysfunctional from all of it, socially dysfunctional because of all the social interactions of my life my mother had been smothering me in public everywhere so I never learnt the foundations of normality, I one day went to Brasil 7 years ago and never came back. Realising that she would find a way to get me back, and needing her money to survive, I realised when I was on drunk binges and full of crazy courage, that if I sent terrorist threats to the Australian government based on political motivations then they wouldn't be able to Extradite me but they would have to wait to pounce on me if I ever returned to the country.
I told my mother all that I had done so that she would understand I could never come back. Her being terrified of Brasil and me in it, she kept sending me money.
And you know what else, life and the years move very quickly when you are an alcoholic and suddenly you wake up one morning and realise that you are 38 and have been drunk for the last 20 years and achieved relatively nothing, cause you were mostly drunk, and when you are drunk you can achieve almost nothing.
I am not depressed about it, and I dont crave for beer. Its just that with the neural pathways I developed around it if I have one beer I will have 100. I cant stop. If offers me ONE beer and I knew there were no more beers I would decline. I dont like ONE beer.
Thanks for this candid reflection.
I will write more later. I'm sorry you received a bunch of slightly passive-aggressive answers. Of course we are ultimately to blame for our disease and not controlling the amount of liquor we drink. That's a given and I'm not sure it needs to be stated on a thread with a completely different thrust--an obvious one at that.
Sure, I caused myself to drink. Were there factors that exacerbated this. Sure. I think we all have those. I will write about them later.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
I believe we have an allergy, we have one drink and a craving starts once we put any alcohol in our body and we can not stop..
But I believe the obsession is caused by what AA calls the Spiritual malady.
For me it was My inability to handle life on life's terms.
Having to high expectations, my inability to accept the people , places and situations around me.
Not getting my way.
Becoming restless, irritable and discontent as the AA Big Book mentions.
What happens when we are restless, irritable and discontent? We want to numb that feeling. We want to escape, our AV kicks in.
Recovery for me is more than putting down the drink, it is a deep self examination of thoughts, ideas and behaviors.
Disregarding the bad and building on the good. In AA they call it working the 12 steps. Whatever anyone else calls it, I believe it is absolutely necessary to live comfortable sober.
But I believe the obsession is caused by what AA calls the Spiritual malady.
For me it was My inability to handle life on life's terms.
Having to high expectations, my inability to accept the people , places and situations around me.
Not getting my way.
Becoming restless, irritable and discontent as the AA Big Book mentions.
What happens when we are restless, irritable and discontent? We want to numb that feeling. We want to escape, our AV kicks in.
Recovery for me is more than putting down the drink, it is a deep self examination of thoughts, ideas and behaviors.
Disregarding the bad and building on the good. In AA they call it working the 12 steps. Whatever anyone else calls it, I believe it is absolutely necessary to live comfortable sober.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Disregarding the bad and building on the good. In AA they call it working the 12 steps. Whatever anyone else calls it, I believe it is absolutely necessary to live comfortable sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 40
Boredom and an easy way out of dealing with my anxiety/social problems. Rather than work on my problems I drank. The more frequently I drank the more frequently I found myself bored and anxious. So I did what any moron would do and drank more because obviously the alcohol was helping even though the reasons I drank were getting worse.
Basically I drank to solve personal problems because drinking was easier than actually working on myself and like an idiot continued to drink more to solve problems that alcohol was actually contributing to.
Basically I drank to solve personal problems because drinking was easier than actually working on myself and like an idiot continued to drink more to solve problems that alcohol was actually contributing to.
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