LooseGrip

Today is day one. (again) I can go weeks and even months without drinking and life is good. I don't feel mentally sick. I forget about the problem and how quickly one drink leads to as much as I can drink before passing out. Then the day comes when opportunity is there...mocking me and luring me...with no one will know, you wont hurt anyone, etc. I know that it is not my voice but my addiction talking to me, but even identifying it sometimes doesn't stop me. Most of the time it does. Last night I was working and opportunity knocked. Family was out of town. No work on Sunday, No one will know....and I noticed how quickly I became excited thinking about buying the alcohol and drinking. A surge of energy ran through me. Adrenaline. It was an excitement I can only relate to the realization that I was possibly going to go through with it and "get high" and have fun. I continued working and an hour passed. On my way home, I realized that the craving had passed. I went home and ate dinner. Then I got a call from my Father, and while on the phone with him started craving again. I actually got dressed and got in the car while talking to him. Hung up and drove to the store. Purchased one 1/2 gallon of wine and a 25 ounce wine cooler. And cigs..its the only time I smoke. Drank at home and then when that ran out decided it would be great to walk to a bar near my home. I did and drank 3 mixed drinks Tequilla there. During this time, I emailed my x some nasty messages. I am the one who ended the relationship recently b/c he still drinks, cant hold a job and my family hates him....I had no reason to but I attacked him verbally calling him a loser and a leech. Wow. What a B. I feel terrible today. I always hurt someone and I always hurt myself. I want to feel good about myself. Any suggestions? I am reading Rational Recovery. Used to go to meetings and want to start again, just feel uncomfortable for some reason.

least

You've come to a good place for support in quitting drinking. Read our stories and see what we did to quit for good.

It can be done. I'm proof of that.

I'm glad you joined us.

KateL

Welcome xxxxx

CAPTAINZING2000

Limit it to just for today. We have no control over what we've done and the future isn't here. All we can really do is focus on this moment

FreeOwl

have you tried AA?

I see the science in RR and it does have a good grounding in mechanisms of habit and their related psychology. However, I am sure it would not work for me on its own.

My experience has been that if I could just use AVRT and my own will power, it would have worked a long time ago. I am a strong and an intelligent person.....

What RR disparages as 'weakness' and a construct that weakens sobriety - I personally actually have found a tremendous source of strength and support and a program of actively understanding some of the reasons for my habits and how my AV leverages reptilian habit responses to keep working around my resolve.

Your story brings up for me the idea that maybe RR alone is not working for you and - if you're like me - maybe you would benefit from working the steps and having a community who understands deeply what you're going through and how to go about 'rewiring' your thinking.

Even though RR insists it is 'right' and all other modalities of recovery are wrong - I believe they all have something to offer (including RR) and we who struggle with addiction need to consider every tool out there in finding what works for our sobriety.

I wish you the best... don't let this get you down. It's a step in learning more about yourself and finding what works. Keep at it.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Loosegrip
There's a ton of support here - good to have you aboard

I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable about returning to meetings, but I'm sure people returning to the rooms is nothing they haven't seen before

D

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

LooseGrip

Free Owl, thank you for taking the time to respond. I agree that RR is not enough for me to stay sober. I understand why Trimpey believes AA is counterproductive to RR, but I know that I don't have any friends bc of my drinking and isolating, miss my x boyfriend, need a social life and need a support group desperately. I know that I couldn't stay sober with my x and we weren't good for each other, but it's still painful to lose him. I am going to go to AA. Do you have an opinion on whether I should go to mixed groups or just women groups?

snipe

Wow, you have perfectly described what happens to me. The opportunity lures and mocks me into insane behavior given my history.

ClearMind

Welcome to SR. I think when anyone starts out with AA (most people anyway), there is a degree of discomfort. But were you completely comfortable when you woke up and finding out you sent your ex all those messages? This is the type of stuff that happens when we drink. It's not going to get better, it is going to get worse. So the time to stop is now.

Taking5

If you go back to AA, it is a lot more than going to meetings. AA was not designed to get you sober from meeting attendance. You need to read the book, get a sponsor and work the steps. It never worked for me until I did this.

jessie65

I can relate with the drunk texting/emailing, I was famous for that. Ugh, the shame & embarrassment the next day almost killed me.
Make a plan, and stick to it, no matter what.