Mentium

Hello all, This last month has been weird to say the least. I have been attending AA meetings and actually getting a lot out of them, but for about two weeks now when I got home in the evening and after my partner has gone to bed I have been drinking. I have typically had the equivalent of about 1/4 to a 1/3 of a bottle of vodka, 'mellowed' out and home to bed.

Although this is by most norms excessive drinking of course it is far less than I used to when in full flow and in actual fact if I could drink at this level and actually feel comfortable with myself I might even consider this as a means of coping and 'moderating' long term. However I am not comfortable with this of course. I am deceiving my partner, being less than honest at AA meetings (not that I have lied there) and most importantly I am deceiving myself. I mean wft am I doing??

I had a decent period of sobriety between late August and Christmas last year, had a lapse over Christmas and now this. The 'lapses' have not led to heavy duty drinking but I really just don't want to do life like this. So last night was the last of my late night ventures!

Although I have been going to AA I have not as yet seriously started to work on the Steps. I suspect that unless I tackle some of the things that make drinking a attractive option in some ways for me, via the therapeutic elements of the Steps I am going to continue going round and round.

So that is my next challenge!

KateL

Do you feel depressed about it the next day, apart from the guilt, like disappointed in yourself? I know I would, even if,by some miracle, I managed to keep it to a minimum of a quarter of voddie. I think that thought might be enough to give me a kick start. I wouldn't necessarily shout from the rooftops that I have been drinking a bit. I would just try and stop again and forgive myself, and probably feel heaps better about everything. xxxxx

Mentium

Thanks Kate for your positive comments. Yes - I feel depressed about it. And it isn't viable as a way to carry on. And I'm not.

I will do as you say and dust myself off!

StevenT

Sounds to me like you know what you have to do, and have the willingness to do it....

I do challenge you to read the last page of step 1 in the 12x12. Powerful stuff there. Heck, if you have the time and patience read the whole chapter.

Ruby2

I used to buy a bottle on my way home from AA meetings so I have been there. Didn't make much sense and my drinking escalated. You seem to have a better idea than I did. Keep going and don't drink. Maybe vary the way home or what you are doing before so you minimize temptation? Share a ride with someone from the program for a bit? If two of us worlds apart have done this then it isn't uncommon. Maybe talk to someone at the meetings about it? The honesty may help out and help with the accountability.

Dee74

I'm glad you realise you need to do more Mentium.
Good luck with the steps.

D