Karma27

Hi,

Maybe some have already discussed this but I am new to this site so forgive me if I am bringing this up again....

Just wondering if anyone has a spouse or significant other who still drinks. My husband is not an alcoholic but drinks wine every night. He knows it is hard on me to have alcohol in the house but figures I am strong enough to deal with it. I try to accept the fact that I shouldn't expect him to quit when I am the one with the problem. I have been able to do this for 4 1/2 years now but it is something I really wish I didn't have to deal with and would make my sobriety so much easier. He is a good guy, works hard and has been very supportive of most everything I do.

I don't think asking him to quit drinking is the answer....I just wonder if others out there are dealing with this and how they make life easier in doing so.

Thanks for any feedback.

Karma27

Carlotta

There are members on this board who are newly sober with an alcoholic spouse.
My first time in recovery, my partner was a raging alcoholic and I stayed sober. The key is to truly commit to your sobriety and accept that you can never drink safely again.
Once you are good with it, whether your spouse has a couple of beers or not will be irrelevant and not tempting.

Dee74

Hi Karma - like Carlotta said there's a lot of members who deal with this.
I'm sorry it still bothers you after 4 and a half years, tho - thats a long time.

I think having sober support will help, and you'll find a lot of support here
Welcome aboard

zerothehero

I'm guilty of being that guy. My wife got sober, and in the early months I tried to keep alcohol out of the house, but I found I was going out to drink too often, and that was no good, either. The wine started showing up and she didn't seem to mind, or never said she did. She even encouraged me to drink when I would get home uptight or on edge. I don't think she realized, though, that I was slipping into heavy drinking. I started getting Bota Box wine not just cuz it was cheap and not horrible, but because she never knew how much I was drinking. When I got sober last month she said she had no idea I was sneaking five or eight drinks. I guess I was one of those guys who could have two or eight and I seemed like the same guy. Hopefully he's not sneaking and pretending to be moderate like I was, but regardless, in my experience, giving people a hard time about their drinking rarely leads to positive outcomes. If he is truly moderate, and you have a hard time being moderate and want to stay sober, you can choose to be okay with that or you can make another choice.

wolfpackfan45

Mo son is 16 months sober and his roommate at college drinks beer and wine. He keeps it in the condo even though he knows my son is recovering. They were roommates and frat brothers before my son went into recovery and my son didn't feel he could ask him not to have alcohol around. Surprisingly, it doesn't seem to bother him that it's in the condo. My son says that he can just go out and buy it anyway if he wants to drink, so it's not an issue for him. His girlfriend drinks occasionally too and it doesn't bother him. He was in a really great AA group at the beginning of his recovery with some old timers that I think helped him with his outlook on this. They told him to take a neutral stance towards alcohol in general. Not for or against. To just realize that drinking wasn't for HIM. He just couldn't do it. I think he came to terms with it early on and that helped. I'm thankful for those old timers in AA for all the wisdom they imparted to him before he went back to college. What wise fellows they were.

HeartsAfire

Mine is one of those people who can have a 6 pack in the fridge and make it last 2 weeks. I will never understand it. Just like he will not understand how I can drink a large bottle of wine a night.

Everything/brand he likes I don't so it never bothers or tempts me. Not sure what (if anything) that means.

MamaGoat

This is just my opinion from my experience with this situation. I think that a spouse that doesn't quit drinking in support of the other spouse who is in recovery from alcoholism has a problem with drinking. Or is completely unaware of the seriousness of the disease and needs to be brought up to speed.
Good luck with this and be sure to practice rigorous honesty with yourself about any resentments that may be lurking due to his behavior. ((((hugs)))

justinJustQuit

Well Kudos to you for being able to do that. There's no way in hell i'd be able to. I'd be experiencing what you are at about day 2.

howmanytimes

Or they understand the disease and know they don't have it.like a spouse of someone who is lactose intolerant that still drinks milk.

LadyinBC

This is just my opinion and what I would have to do it this was me. I'm by no means telling you what to do.

I have to admit that if I lived with someone who did this to me KNOWING how hard it was on me that would be a deal breaker for me. The last place I need to struggle is in my own home.

I don't put myself in drinking situations and I would hope that the people who care about me wouldn't put me in them either, especially in my own home. I might never be okay in these situation ever again, I might never beable to have liquor in my house and I'm okay with that. Doesn't make me weak because I can't be in them or strong because I can. It just makes me human to admit my limitations. Which we are suppose to do in recovery.

I give kudos to you for being able to do this, I also feel for you cause I know how hard this is.

NewMe30

Wow. I could of written this!

sher70

My DH is great about keeping alcohol out of our house. I find that I certainly have less patience with him (anybody) when they are drinking then he did with me.

sher70

I too could have written this.

MamaGoat

A better analogy would be someone with emphysema who has a spouse that still smokes in the house.

Leana

My husband still drinks and keeps alcohol in our house. It never occurred to me to ask him not to drink. He is not an alcoholic. I am.

Leana

This is just my opinion but if I say that the decision not to drink is my own and that I and only I am in control of my decision not to pick up that drink then criticizing a spouse for drinking doesn't seem right. Either we are responsible to control our drinking or we are not.

Anna

Not drinking is a personal decision and I don't think we should have expectations about family members stopping drinking, too. Alcoholism is my issue and I am responsible for fixing it. That said, I am grateful that my husband does not drink at home and we never have alcohol in the house.

Can you move to a different area of the house and not be around when your husband is drinking?

Karma27

CoveredInRain

Set boundaries if it is tough for you. For example, my SO and I used to drink wine in bed together every night while watching Netflix. I'd be the one to get up to refill (and drink some extra from the bottle while I was at it!) Since I've quit, I don't mind her drinking a glass with dinner or when we go out, but I've asked that she stop bringing it to bed, and she understands. Wine + Bed + Netflix is definitely a trigger for me!

Karma27

You are lucky to be able to not let it bother you...more power to you.