Jessicacat1

Hi all
Stupid, stupid AV got the better of me yesterday- I was at the end of day 13. It was a combination of several factors, notably feeling I 'needed a reward' (oh the irony)having done some work, a bit bored, feeling hungry and angry (I call this 'hangry) and just missing the usual weekend antics of some drinks in the pub. I think I resented having to give up some of my weekend to complete work and that was part of it.

Anyhow, I am going to 'regroup' with myself today. I haven't used AVRT yet and I think I need to. I have a copy of Rational recovery so will jump into that today.

I was doing so well and the stupid thing is that I knew I would regret it. I had so many reasons to NOT drink and I just caved in.

BikerAcct

Hi Jessica, don't beat yourself up too much over it. I understand that feeling we deserve a reward for something. It's a feeling I used to have quite often. I've convinced myself that, really, I don't deserve rewards for doing things that just need to be done. That's the addictive voice talking. I only deserve rewards for special things done. Then, that reward needs to be special, and alcohol, certainly is not special. So I find various non-chemical ways to alter my mood with reward. Find what is rewarding to you, then save it for those occasions.

I think AVRT is great, it's what's working for me. That and fear. I don't want to go back to being the person I was.

anchorbird

I'm right there with you. We can do this!

FreeOwl

get back on the path and restart without beating yourself up. Shame and self-berating only strengthen the AV's power.

I would really suggest you get yourself involved in some sort of action though... you mention Rational and AVRT... I am not familiar with these very deeply, though what I've seen of Rational seems like it would never work for me and seems to take an extremist view of the problem. AA is what has worked for me.

But regardless what resonates with you individually one thing seems clear to me in the years I've been aware of and learning about recovery; just "not drinking" is a great way to ensure you will drink again. There needs to be a broader program that includes action. Drinking is the symptom.

Don't be hard on yourself.... it has happened to every one of us.

Jessicacat1

Thanks everyone for your support.
I suppose I approached the 13 days with 'this time it will be different' attitude and that's what upsets me. I was doing so well.
I will press the 'reset' button today.

FreeOwl

looking back... what WASN'T different about it?

Every relapse is an opportunity to either learn more about how our AV tricked us.... or let him / her chuckle in satisfaction in the corner knowing the trick worked....

Jessicacat1

Thanks Freeowl- you are right. I thought I would get past the 13 days mark.
Don't want the AV to win again!

forabetterlife

I am in the same boat Jessica. But the best part is that it's over and today is a brand new slate. We can stop before it goes any further. I try to understand what led me to that first drink? And it's just faulty AV thinking, "I deserve it" or "if I feel this good now, imagine how good I'll feel with a little buzz"(huh? Doesn't even make sense but I swear I think that).
Anyway, let's do this again... Hugs

Jessicacat1

Thanks Forabetterlife. I need to think about how I use my time on the weekend so I am not facing a 'lul' or opportunity for the AV to rear its head.

Oldselfagain

FreeOwl can you please expand on what you mean by "extremist view"? I'm using both RR and AVRT and I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that statement. Thx

FreeOwl

I've ready on RR and AVRT on the web and also on the concepts that underpin it in a book on habits and how we form them - psychology calls it the 'reptilian' brain while RR refers as the 'beast brain'.

There is good science in RR and AVRT.

The reason I use the term 'extremist' is because of the way the proponents of RR attack other methods and tools in recovery. I disagree that AA makes one vulnerable to the AV's tricks or that the recovery movement fosters relapse or all the other claims that RR's advocates make.

We have spent years, sometimes decades, wiring those forces of habit into our reptilian brains and practicing the various responses. Anyone who has relapsed in any form of recovery effort can give you examples of how they believed they were free of it, only to find themselves taken out again.

RR claims that it is all a "simple, elegant" solution; just DECIDE and from then on, recognize that AV and keep on deciding.....

Who among us cannot see the ridiculousness in that?

To me - AVRT is a great tool. But so are AA meetings. So is honestly looking at my past and the ways in which, in my life, I have developed and fostered my AV's patterns of response. So is having a community of others around to remind me that I'm not alone in this. So is having stories of others' experiences to strengthen the "human brain me" in my resolve that I will change the habits of response.

Our brains are complex and powerful and just as AVRT claims; will persevere in any possible way to return to those pleasurable habits the AV / pleasure center wants for its 'survival'.

I just feel like RR does a disservice to the world by precluding the idea that AA or other programs can be used in conjunction with AVRT in very productive ways. I like what AVRT has to say about recognizing the AV and about understanding the interplay between the reptilian brain and the higher-reasoning brain..... but for me, I don't think that would be enough on its own.

I've tried that sort of approch countless times in life and failed. Without community, without a sense of faith, without taking an honest look at the influences in my life that have supported my continued addiction - I really don't think I would be as far as I am today, nor be able to sustain sobriety in the future.

So - I say 'extremist' because RR claims theirs is the only way and that other programs are wrong.

Weasel1966

Jessicat! You are doing well. Stringing together longer and longer runs is how it happened for me. 5 here. 15 there. They not only add up to some good sober time they add up to sobriety.

Keep on! Hope to see you on Fridays weekender thread as well!

Ken

Jessicacat1

Thanks Ken- that's much appreciated. I really want to get to 30 days, and then 90 days. That would be huge for me

Oldselfagain

FreeOwl thx for that...I understand where you're coming from. I tried AA and it definitely wasn't for me. So I guess, as a result, I didn't take issue with RR's view of recovery groups. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with "hybrid" approaches to sobriety. My view isn't as black and white as AA and RR seem to be. I use RR, AVRT, hypnosis, and of course SR. That's what has been effective for me.....would I say that would work for everyone? Certainly not. AA works for many, RR works for many, sheer willpower works for some....to each their own. That being said, I think it's important to have an open mind in early recovery so that one can try different approaches if what they're using isn't working.

FreeOwl

yep... I agree, totally, to the open-minded approach comment.

we're all different, though we share a common struggle. My view is 'try lots of stuff, keep what works'.

If AVRT works on its own for someone, GREAT!! I just wish that no path to sobriety would send a message that other paths to recovery are somehow wrong or lesser - because that message may undermine someone's success in getting sober.

Oldselfagain

I totally agree

Nonsensical

I wish my AV was stupid. Unfortunately, he is clever, tricky, deceptive and seems to know EVERYTHING about me.

It is a formidable opponent, never underestimate it.

If it works for even one person (and it has) then I would not call it ridiculous. I would call it an option.

Every recovery method I have encountered has it's zealots (extremists) - It worked for me, therefore it will work for anybody! (And if it doesn't work for you, then you're just doing it wrong!)

I agree totally that most of us need additional re-training to cope with our well-ingrained bad habits. But some don't, and I don't see any reason to point a finger or call names.

It's all good.

FreeOwl

good point... you called me on doing exactly what RR does!!



I find it personally ineffective to believe that I can simply say "I'm DONE" and that's the end of it.

BUT.... if it works for someone else that's great!

Cheydinhal

Hang in there Jessica, we're all here to support each other! We're in this together 24 hours a time, and sometimes it's 5 minutes at a time! Whatever it takes

least

Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again.