kluhs

as a young man it was lots of beer anytime i went to a party because it was a wasted opportunity if i was not wasted ... but didnt drink or think about alcohol in between

got married, wife loves to cook and i discovered wine - i got so into understanding wine, grape varietals, food pairings, even lived 2 years in france

i started drinking wine with just about every dinner - and think i was functionally just enjoying it and probably had 1 or 2 glasses and always thought dinner was improved with a good wine

somehow that gradually progressed to a full bottle ... which i remember at the time seemed like a lot

things then progressed to a bottle just not being enough ... and if my wife was sharing a bottle with me, i'd try to go fast to get more ... and then eventually it was just a given that a second bottle would be opened or even better if there were multiple people drinking i didnt have to know how many bottles or glasses

never really got into liquor and beer became uninteresting - but anytime i was cooking or eating lunch or dinner i either had wine or wished i could ... not at all a problem at the end to drink 2 bottles of wine, go to bed and get up the next morning with no hangover ... if i had to go a day or a few days without alcohol no big deal, didnt feel bad or have any withdrawal, but i certainly anticipated a lot when my next wine would be and really really looked forward to it

while i know you can only go forward in life, i really do wish i could go back to the days of enjoying a glass or two of wine with dinner ... i sometimes think if i stuck with that i'd have been able to sustain it, but i guess i'm fooling myself - once i took my first drink at 16 i must have started the clock

PurpleKnight

Yeah there needs to be a condition to that "going back", some medical invention to make alcohol addiction not progressive.

If we reset the clock and we simply went back to our 1 glass, our 1 bottle of beer, or our 1 dram of whisky, it'd just spiral again as the body became less and less sensitive once again to alcohol and so would need more and more to produce the same results.

I think if the progressive nature of alcohol could be achieved then SR would probably die out and someone would be a pretty wealthy person having just cured addiction, as we'd all be cured in the morning!!

instant

You are painting an idyllic picture.

In retrospect when I was drinking a bottle of wine per day things were not going well even thought superficially they were. In any event it was not sustainable due to the increasing desire for more.

Nonsensical

I wish I could throw the football like Peyton Manning.
I wish I could pick stocks like Warren Buffet.
I wish I could attract women like Brad Pitt.
I wish I could serve humanity like Mother Theresa.

In the world I woke up in this morning I have to make the best of what I am, and I can't do that if I drink. I can choose to regret it or I can choose to work with it.

least

Only thing I'd want to go back to would be before I started drinking. I'd like to have kept it that way.

KitFreed

I know exactly how you feel. It's only been six days and I miss my wine. It's been like saying goodbye to a long time friend and I just want to see their face again.

C'est la vie...

1newcreation

Two words: HELL NO

Imabuleva

You can go back. You can go to the store and buy a bottle of wine right now if you want.

The question is, do you want to drink or do you want to stay sober (sincere question)?

Personally, alcohol makes me physically ill because "one drink" turns into two weeks of heavy drinking whenever possible (between work time and all day on weekends). When I say, "I can't drink," I mean that if I start drinking, I can't predict how or when I will stop.

I wish I could say, "I don't want to drink." But that would be a lie. I'm only six days sober and working on that part. I hope to one day be able to honestly say I don't want to drink.

Dee74

I think your pictures a little too idyllic too - I had problems with alcohol right from the get go - I'm willing to bet you did too?

If I went back I can guarantee I'd do the same things again.

If addiction did one thing for me it made me into who I am today and thats no bad thing.

If the price for that is never drinking again, I think I got a bargain.

D

kflee

100% feel the same way. I do stay up and think of regrets and guilt stuck like a lump in my gut, but I am who I am because of the lifestyle I chose and lived for so many years. Through all the horrible, it is all worth it in the end to see myself for who I am now. I am proud of making such a big accomplishment.
Good luck in your endeavors. Hope to hear from you soon.

kflee

"while i know you can only go forward in life, i really do wish i could go back to the days of enjoying a glass or two of wine with dinner ... i sometimes think if i stuck with that i'd have been able to sustain it, but i guess i'm fooling myself - once i took my first drink at 16 i must have started the clock."

Oh yes I do wish I could just go back. Why can't it be like before. One drink, dinner and lots of fun. I think about it often. I just know I CANNOT.

Hevyn

Kluhs - I agree with your last sentence. I believe that when I took my first drink I started the clock. It was destined to end up in disaster and complete dependency. When I first decided to get sober I longed for the days of being able to have 'a few'. I've changed my mind about that. This new life - lived with a clear head and eyes wide open - is so much better.

I'm glad you're here and wanting to talk about it.

FreeFall

At the beginning when I first quit I missed a lot, especially on occasions. I missed the social aspects of drinking, and I missed yucking it up with my friends. I missed the drinking traditions that you form over the years-like Bailey's in coffee in the winter around Christmastime, or fruity drinks on the deck in summer, etc.

I sympathize with how you're feeling, but it does pass.
I let myself miss it, said it out loud, and continued to pass on the drinks. Now, quite awhile later the thing that stands out the most is that even though I felt like I missed it, I could have picked up at any time and didn't. I guess the things I DIDN'T miss about drinking overruled the things that I did.

marchHazel

there is a saying," play the tape to the end". I guess it means just don't picture the good pleasurable times. Really see how things ended up. Most of us not so good, I am pretty darn sure.

hang in. Once a pickle one can't be a cucumber again? Well, not sure if thats true but far as me being a normal drinker and user ? It won't ever happen, I have years of proof in spite of trying.

seahorse661

Great question. Initially I thought that part of me would love to go back. But, as others have said, I ALWAYS had a problem when drinking. I was drinking to blackout in high school. And while it took a long time to become alcohol dependent I was making bad decisions as a result of alcohol from the start.

The biggest reason not to go back though is that alcoholism brought me to a point where I had to change or die. I had to get intensive therapy to deal with trauma I'd pushed down for 25 years, I had to figure out my emotions, I had to accept my part in the problems I've had in my life. I had to stop being judgmental and feeling victimized. Many more changes that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I probably would have carried on feeling resentful, fearful and superior. And even before I became a 'real alcoholic', I wasn't very happy.
I've dealt with my past, all I have to do now is deal with each day as it happens and that's manageable. And I am truly happy, serene and can live my life with honour.

In alot of ways alcoholism gave more than it took

malcolmsloan

Alcohol was never my friend: It was a deceptive, narcissistic, thief that lied to me and stole from me. So, nope, don't wanna go back.

Cheydinhal

Even if you could go back to those days, you'd still be that same alcoholic, just in a younger and less progressed form. Did you ever struggle with the voice in your head? I sure did - I lived with that voice for 12 years, constantly chattering in my head telling me "I can control my drinking, I'm only gonna have one glass or two glasses and it will be fine." That voice mocked me and taunted me whether I was drinking or wasn't drinking. Once I began living the life of sobriety and admitted my alcoholism and began the road to recovery, that voice went away because alcohol is no longer an option or a choice. It's the most delicious release - hang in there!

MythOfSisyphus

That's about the size of it. As a chef I would love to be able to have a glass of wine like normal people, but if I could go back in time and slap that first drink out of my hand I would. I can only dream of what I might have done with my life if I hadn't wallowed in the bottle for 25 years. I feel like I'm just getting started.

Notmyrealname

I am glad I don't drink anymore and don't have any lingering desires for my old habit. It's a risky lifestyle that's expensive both in terms of real money, opportunity cost, and health impact over time, with little-to-no benefit except that it's a really easy high.

My drink-at-home habit cost, let's say, $7/day. $7 * 365 = $2555/year, or $212.91 / month.


Assuming 6.5% interest, that costs:

at 10 years - $35,856.63

at 20 years - $104,419.18

at 30 years - $235,523.37

at 35 years - $340,732.99 (a third of a -- WAIT -- .. A THIRD OF A MILLION DOLLARS?!)

Health impact? When I was drinking heavily I ballooned up to over 270 lbs. (204 lbs on the scale this morning, rawr) Obesity links to all your big adult mortality factors. 'nuff said.

Opportunity cost - everyone has a different sob story for this one, but there are plenty of anecdotes on the forum to flesh this one out..

Yeah, no desire for the "golden days of wine and roses" here.

FreeOwl

I can relate. And this sort of thinking is what kept me drinking for so many years....

There are lots of 'romantic' notions of alcohol that I held in my mind, associating the wine or the craft beer or the fancy cocktails with all sorts of 'good times' and all manner of benefits.

Complicating this vision was the fact that while I had a pattern throughout life of binges that went way too far; I also had many hundreds and thousands of occasions where it was just a bottle with my wife or beers with friends and "good times" had without consequence.

My first honest attempt at sobriety lasted nearly 6 months, and pretty much that entire time I harbored thoughts of 'going back'. Though I went to meetings and read the big book and stayed sober - I frequently found myself looking at thoughts in my mind of when I'd be able to drink again in that romanticized way (which had - if I'd been honest - become pretty much a thing of the past).

After that nearly six months, I decided I was OK to 'go back'. And for a time, it worked. I had wine here and there. Hosted a big party with a killer homemade sangria and didn't get wasted or feel I'd gone too far and enjoyed myself. More 'proof' to myself that I was 'OK'.

But.... within a few weeks it was a bottle of wine I never planned to have one night.... trips to the liquor store on an average afternoon for no apparent reason.... drinking myself to the borderline of drunk just because the thought had occurred to me.... then a few blackouts.....

This time, I'm grateful to be on nearly a month again and instead of thoughts of the romantic past, I find more and more my thoughts looking forward to a joyful future free of all the terrible negatives of alcohol. Instead of thinking about those mostly-false romantic notions of the way alcohol allegedly enhanced my life, I am thinking more about how grateful I am for the opportunity to experience life fully and un-hazed by falseness. Rather than thinking about the supposed 'closeness' and friendship created by the altered states alchohol brings - I am looking forward to the genuine intimacy that can be found in sobriety and to contributing goodness in the world by helping bring this opportunity to other alcoholics when my own sobriety is on a firmer foundation.

I think for the most part.... "going back" is a big illusion and as long as we harbor it, we are at serious risk of relapse....

I wish you well in your sobriety!