mwyrick

I'm 32

I have an amazing wife

I have a great job

And yet I'm an alcoholic and I feel like I am going to die any day now. I have the worst depression and feelings of doom.

I will go a week without drinking and feel great. I will tell myself this is great, I feel great. Then I get in a binge again and before I know it I am in a deep dark hole in a matter of a few days.

I don't know what to do. I want to be stronger than this. I do not want to drink myself until I have liver failure.

Skye2

to SR Mwyrick The times I would get through those horrible first few days and then 'celebrate' feeling so good with more alcohol - well as you know, it's crazy

Good to have you with us

Sorensen

I can relate, alcohol messes with your neurotransmitters in your brain and causes depression and anxiety.

mwyrick

That sums it up. I don't know anyone who drinks like me, in fact I don't know how people don't drink. But like you said, I feel great and then drink like I am better. But it's been about 12 years, I'm not better. I drink for days until I feel like ****. Not a typical hangover, I don't get those much anymore, but until I feel like my body is just done with me. My anxiety kicks in until I feel like I've drank too long that my body is ruined. I don't know if anyone feels like this besides me.

I need to figure out what to do. I also have great insurance. But I am so afraid of going to doctor and having them tell me it's too late. I often think about going to psychiatrist, but I am too afraid to call. I recently got married to an amazing woman, and I feel like I owe it to her to live longer than my current habits are dictating.

If anyone has felt like me, how did you cope?

Skye2

I think a lot of us have felt like we've left things too long - but we're here posting
Perhaps a check-up with your doctor would ease your mind and you could move forward with a little peace?
You've found a great support site here - it's a little quiet at this time of day as the UK is just waking up and the USA is sleeping etc - I think it's tea-time in Australia/NZ but keep posting and more people will be around soon

mwyrick

Thank you

I'm in California, about 11pm here.

Skye2

Wow, I didn't realise the time was so different

Dee74

Hi and welcome mwyrick

I totally understand the fear and the doom., but I really doubt it's too late - many of us have pushed the envelope right to the very edge (myself included) and come out ok.

I think seeing your Dr is a great first step. Joining here is great too - you'll find a lot of ideas and support.

I don't believe it's ever too late to start living the way we should - y'know?

D

mwyrick

Thank you Skye, Sorenson and Dee for your kind replies. I just really needed someone to say that to. My wife is awesome but when I say something she says "you don't drink that much", but she also doesn't see all the shots I can take covertly. I've come to a point in my life where I don't want to drink, look and wonder how people enjoy life without drinking, but I really want to learn to enjoy my life without drinking.

Dee74

I had to make some pretty big changes to the way I lived, but it was worth it. I really enjoy my life now, without alcohol - and I really like the man I let myself become once I took alcohol out of the picture.

for starters tho, it's probably best to approach things one day at a time - staying sober for a day seems more achievable when you're thinking about taking the plunge

D

SomethingBetter

I can relate, welcome to SR, stay plugged in here, your not alone.

1newcreation

Your story sounds very familiar to mine. Stayin sober was my ticket to peace & serenity! I got that through aa; tried not drinkin on my own but waste of time. I've met new real friends & had more fun in past 15 mths than 15 yrs combine w/ the bottle. Alc is both a symptom & ruse that destroys so many lives. Hope SR n youre recovery group can save you some

KatieA

It's very unlikely to be loo late, it just feels that way when you're at the tipping point. I have been drinking longer than you with no permanent damage. But you should see your doctor and get that depression taken care of. Sounds like you have a good life, would be a shame to throw it away.
Good luck .

EndGameNYC

Hi mwyrick.

It sounds to me that you have periods of heavy drinking interspersed with episodes of anxiety and depression. That's no way to live.

I appreciate your reluctance to seek professional help; alcoholics tend to avoid getting the help we need until we absolutely need it just to breathe.

Standing perfectly still and not making a sound will not make things better.

Most of us have been where you are, and many of us are now in a much better place. It's not cheerleading or making promises so that you'll get the help you need. It's what happens when you act on the most important decision in your life; whether you get sober or not, my life won't change appreciably. So why not open the door, just a little bit?

Doctors and other trained professionals are trained to help people. It's what they do best. Let them do their jobs.

KateL

I was also like you but it can be turned around. Welcome x

Nonsensical

Stop drinking for 60 days and you'll realize that at least part of your anxiety and depression are being caused by alcohol. In my case MOST of my anxiety and depression disappeared about 6 weeks into sobriety.

It was an insipid cycle. Alcohol was causing my anxiety and then my addiction was telling me alcohol was the cure for my anxiety. So glad to be off that merry-go-round.

Welcome to SR. You can do this.

LadyinBC

It is never too late. Go see the doc to put your mind at ease. When I quit drinking I waited over 5 months to test my liver and I wished I would have done it sooner because I wasted so much time worrying about it.

Best thing I did for myself was getting a drug and alcohol counsellor. It really helped get my head on straight and to get some direction. There were programs out there that I used that really helped and he was able to get me into them.

FreeOwl

See, the trick to learning to enjoy your life without drinking.....

is to commit to a life without drinking.

Get yourself over that hump and you'll be pretty amazed at how great it actually is. You have to get shed of this cycle and the haze that's keeping you from seeing how damn beautiful life is all on its own.

Your words sound like you're ready - if so; time for action. Posting here is a good start. A doctor is a good idea as well. Have you thought about AA?

Nothing to lose.... your life to gain.

Welcome, and I wish you well!

aasharon90

What to do, is the question I picked up on
with your share. 23 yrs. of many one days
sober ago, I didn't think about that question
when my husband and in-laws did an intervention
on me after I made an attempt to exit this
world.

For them, they reach for the phone for answers
and direction as to what to do with me. In doing
so, that leg work saved my life. It was in rehab
that I learned I had an addiction to alcohol. Then
over the yrs. I was taught and I learned what I
needed to do to stay sober one day at a time
without drinking or killing myself.

After all these years sober, in my gut I feel
that many in my family, on one side believe
I don't have a drinking problem and use my
AA recovery program as a crutch and the other
few are supportive in whatever I need to do
in life to be happy, healthy and content.

Today, it's not about them, in my selfish way
of thinking but, instead, it's my program, my
life, and anything I need to stay sober and the
heck of what they think of me.

Sadly, because I am so strong about wanting
and needing to remain sober each day of my
life and reap the rewards of the promises given
to us that is stated in the Big Book of AA, I
have divorced myself from the family of orgin
that kept me sick for so long.

I don't want to die before my time is up, so
I will do whatever I need and want to do to
stay sober, healthy, happy, and honest in my
life.

Sometimes, we have to make choices in life
in order to survive. And my choice is to live sober.

You can too..!!!

FreeOwl

aasharon....

for what it's worth I don't think that's "selfish".

You are honoring what you know to be true; to drink is to die. You cannot be there for your Self or for anyone else in this world if you drink. And you ARE here for a reason.

To drink, therefore, is to deprive the world of that reason.

It is not selfish to find one has to put distance between oneself and those who are unhealthy or threaten our sobriety - even if, sadly, they are one's own family.

We can only hope that in this lifetime, that break can be healed at another time... but surely it will not be a 'healthy' relationship with anyone if we are caught in a haze of addiction.