Hi mwyrick.
It sounds to me that you have periods of heavy drinking interspersed with episodes of anxiety and depression. That's no way to live.
I appreciate your reluctance to seek professional help; alcoholics tend to avoid getting the help we need until we absolutely need it just to breathe.
Standing perfectly still and not making a sound will not make things better.
Most of us have been where you are, and many of us are now in a much better place. It's not cheerleading or making promises so that you'll get the help you need. It's what happens when you act on the most important decision in your life; whether you get sober or not, my life won't change appreciably. So why not open the door, just a little bit?
Doctors and other trained professionals are trained to help people. It's what they do best. Let them do their jobs.