Why Do I Drink?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Why Do I Drink?
The question of why do I drink? goes to the core, not of our addiction but to our soul.
As a 14 year old, why did I try alcohol, it certainly wasn’t for the taste, the strong taste of liquor, pungent in smell, stored away in the drinks cabinet, not for children’s eyes, only to be touched by adults.
But then alcohol was always in full view, let’s go further back to aged 6 years old, Dad sipping wine, always red, never white, a bottle of claret, red in shade, like the blood that I would spill 25 years later trying to become Sober. How about a taste son? sure why not, the strong taste of grapes hitting the back of my throat, almost choking but I was apart of my Dad’s evening ritual.
It didn’t stop there, sore throat son? How about a hot whisky to ease the pain before bedtime, a young boy goes to bed with the smell on his lips, but it’s ok, medical diagnosis makes it alright.
At 11 years old, within the Catholic faith I took “the pledge”, a promise to abstain from alcohol until I was 18 years old, at aged 11 years old I was drunk on red wine, overseen by my Dad on a fishing trip in Co. Donegal, in West Ireland. It was the first time I was violently ill due to alcohol, violent and never forgetting, 10 years later it would become my morning routine, and so why did I not stop there?
At 16 years old I attended “non alcoholic” discos, especially created for High School children, but that was naive, alcohol was everywhere, many friends started their smoking careers during this time, whilst the rest got our taste for liquor, beer, vodka, whisky, as a teenager we weren’t fussy, the mixing of drinks, the ambition to be drunk, in a time when all anyone wanted to do, was fit in with the crowd, no one wanted to be an outsider, and so we succumbed to what we knew, getting drunk weekend after weekend became our norm.
As life progressed, jobs came and went, relationships were started and finished, I found myself in my late 20’s, alcohol had become an every night occurrence, progressively drinking more and more, blackout after blackout, living between alarms, when I had to get up for work, functioning was the aim of the game, get up, puke my guts up, a few cups of coffee and survive until 5pm, pick up a bottle on the way home and do the same thing all over again. I neither wanted to live, nor participate in life, please someone end it now!!
But why? With over 2 months Sobriety I have been asking myself this question, why pour pint after pint, bottle after bottle into me knowing it is damaging, ask any recovering alcoholic, we don’t care, we have a disregard for our own lives and those people that care about us, in fact we may even say kill us now if it’ll take away the pain, ah the pain, the thing we are trying to numb, to get away from, the thing that alcohol solves, does it? what is that?
I truly hated myself, my appearance, who I was, my weaknesses, my self confidence, I had nothing to offer to anyone or this life, or so I thought. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw failure, a failure I couldn’t change, when people talked about me, I was short, I’m only 5ft 4in, to most women I was incompatible, except for the successful relationships I had already had, but this has always cut to my core, I’m not the tall, strong male that most women seek, but whilst drinking I was a failure as a man. I blissfully escaped, drifted off to a place where I could black out and forget.
November 16th 2013, was the Day I became Sober for the last time, prior to that I had relapsed every few weeks, this time it was my time to make a change, you may ask me why I drank, and my answer is I hated myself, I wanted to numb everything that I was not, if you ask me now why I got Sober, it is because I knew life had a whole lot more to offer, and I could only reach my potential without alcohol.
Sobriety is tough, I won’t deny that, it will take discipline, perseverance and hard work, but the benefits are unbelievable, but you have to take a chance, we were all scared once upon a time, but by taking a leap of faith you will make the best decision of your life.
SR continues to be my rock!! and I thank you all!!
As a 14 year old, why did I try alcohol, it certainly wasn’t for the taste, the strong taste of liquor, pungent in smell, stored away in the drinks cabinet, not for children’s eyes, only to be touched by adults.
But then alcohol was always in full view, let’s go further back to aged 6 years old, Dad sipping wine, always red, never white, a bottle of claret, red in shade, like the blood that I would spill 25 years later trying to become Sober. How about a taste son? sure why not, the strong taste of grapes hitting the back of my throat, almost choking but I was apart of my Dad’s evening ritual.
It didn’t stop there, sore throat son? How about a hot whisky to ease the pain before bedtime, a young boy goes to bed with the smell on his lips, but it’s ok, medical diagnosis makes it alright.
At 11 years old, within the Catholic faith I took “the pledge”, a promise to abstain from alcohol until I was 18 years old, at aged 11 years old I was drunk on red wine, overseen by my Dad on a fishing trip in Co. Donegal, in West Ireland. It was the first time I was violently ill due to alcohol, violent and never forgetting, 10 years later it would become my morning routine, and so why did I not stop there?
At 16 years old I attended “non alcoholic” discos, especially created for High School children, but that was naive, alcohol was everywhere, many friends started their smoking careers during this time, whilst the rest got our taste for liquor, beer, vodka, whisky, as a teenager we weren’t fussy, the mixing of drinks, the ambition to be drunk, in a time when all anyone wanted to do, was fit in with the crowd, no one wanted to be an outsider, and so we succumbed to what we knew, getting drunk weekend after weekend became our norm.
As life progressed, jobs came and went, relationships were started and finished, I found myself in my late 20’s, alcohol had become an every night occurrence, progressively drinking more and more, blackout after blackout, living between alarms, when I had to get up for work, functioning was the aim of the game, get up, puke my guts up, a few cups of coffee and survive until 5pm, pick up a bottle on the way home and do the same thing all over again. I neither wanted to live, nor participate in life, please someone end it now!!
But why? With over 2 months Sobriety I have been asking myself this question, why pour pint after pint, bottle after bottle into me knowing it is damaging, ask any recovering alcoholic, we don’t care, we have a disregard for our own lives and those people that care about us, in fact we may even say kill us now if it’ll take away the pain, ah the pain, the thing we are trying to numb, to get away from, the thing that alcohol solves, does it? what is that?
I truly hated myself, my appearance, who I was, my weaknesses, my self confidence, I had nothing to offer to anyone or this life, or so I thought. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw failure, a failure I couldn’t change, when people talked about me, I was short, I’m only 5ft 4in, to most women I was incompatible, except for the successful relationships I had already had, but this has always cut to my core, I’m not the tall, strong male that most women seek, but whilst drinking I was a failure as a man. I blissfully escaped, drifted off to a place where I could black out and forget.
November 16th 2013, was the Day I became Sober for the last time, prior to that I had relapsed every few weeks, this time it was my time to make a change, you may ask me why I drank, and my answer is I hated myself, I wanted to numb everything that I was not, if you ask me now why I got Sober, it is because I knew life had a whole lot more to offer, and I could only reach my potential without alcohol.
Sobriety is tough, I won’t deny that, it will take discipline, perseverance and hard work, but the benefits are unbelievable, but you have to take a chance, we were all scared once upon a time, but by taking a leap of faith you will make the best decision of your life.
SR continues to be my rock!! and I thank you all!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Purple knight, thank you for posting this. I didn't start quite as young but can relate. The feelings of not fitting in. Been thinking a lot about this lately. Take out the alcohol and what do I have?
I was at an AA Big Book meeting and this came up in the reading..."the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom." Page 64. AA or not, there was a whole lot going on before I ever picked up a bottle. Take the alcohol away and it is still there.
Coming here and going to AA helps me in that I am not alone with the feelings you so eloquently shared. Thank you.
I was at an AA Big Book meeting and this came up in the reading..."the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom." Page 64. AA or not, there was a whole lot going on before I ever picked up a bottle. Take the alcohol away and it is still there.
Coming here and going to AA helps me in that I am not alone with the feelings you so eloquently shared. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
Purplenight, what a well written post. It must be true what they say about the Irish, you all have a way with words. This affliction knows no boundaries and for those surrounded by people drinking it is brave journey we undertake. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
switch a few of the material facts around, and you've written my story.
I think at 41 maybe I'm finally coming to terms, moving toward being 'at peace' with myself. Though I may not ever fully understand the beginnings, nor remember large chunks along the way, I at least know now that drinking became a conditioned response. It became a running away, a numbing, a coping. It was related to fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness.
And all it has done is delayed my truly confronting those and being able to live as joyously as possible.
I'm almost back to 1 month sober for perhaps the third time in the past 22 years. Longest was nearly 6 months. My prayer is that this time, sobriety stretches out ahead of me for a long and happy life and the bottle is forever in the rearview mirror this time.
Thank you for helping me stay sober today.
I think at 41 maybe I'm finally coming to terms, moving toward being 'at peace' with myself. Though I may not ever fully understand the beginnings, nor remember large chunks along the way, I at least know now that drinking became a conditioned response. It became a running away, a numbing, a coping. It was related to fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness.
And all it has done is delayed my truly confronting those and being able to live as joyously as possible.
I'm almost back to 1 month sober for perhaps the third time in the past 22 years. Longest was nearly 6 months. My prayer is that this time, sobriety stretches out ahead of me for a long and happy life and the bottle is forever in the rearview mirror this time.
Thank you for helping me stay sober today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
I have been reading this post over and over. I find myself in it deeply. Thank you. Would you mind if I show it to some people? It seems you have illustrated many of my feelings I have perhaps failed to share about why I personally drink, I would love to share with those in my life who care.
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