Jessicacat1

Hi all
I am only on day 4- very, very early stages. In the past year or so, I have stopped drinking (with the intention of it being permanent) probably 3 or 4 times, with the longest time going without about 3 weeks. And when I started drinking again it was full on and heavy.

I was thinking about why those other occasions have been unsuccessful and I do think I can be very much 'all or nothing' with my health.

About 3 years ago, I was fed up of feeling over weight, insecure with myself and I just thought 'stuff this, I am going to the gym to train with a trainer and commit' and I did exactly that. I steadily lost weight, improved my diet and started to feel much happier. All through that time I continued to drink and I didn't think much about alcohol as a problem.

Now my job is a bit tougher than it was, and there are days where the gym is the last place I want to be. So I think 'I'll eat junk, drink and not work out this weekend and then next week I will good- I'll have a rigid plan involving gym, gym, gym and exact amounts of food and I will restore myself to where I want to be'.........and it never happens.....properly.

Usually it is because I end up drinking on Sunday, feeling hungover on Monday and when I wake up I don't care what I eat, I JUST NEED FOOD NOW.....spend Monday just trying to make it until the end of the day so I can collapse on the sofa....and so begins the inevitable cycle of drinking again.

I have decided, this weekend, that I will remain sober. I will NOT create a whole heap of unrealistic goals that I must stick to (and beat myself up about if I don't meet them). The ONLY goal this weekend is to not drink.

If I go to the gym that's great. If I eat well, that's even better. But maybe what I am trying to say is that I need to break the terrible cycle of setting goals and letting my alcohol abuse destroy my chances of success.

By removing alcohol from the equation, a new, healthful cycle can begin.
I know people say 'one day at a time', and now I think I need to say 'one goal at a time'

Thanks to everyone on here for your support x

FreeOwl

I've managed to maintain fitness at a pretty high level despite heavy patterns of binge-drinking for decades. What I've learnt is that when I'm drinking (at all) - I wind up making my fitness less a priority. I too am sort of "zero or a thousand" in my approach to life. Either don't do it or do it like crazy.

The things you say in your post suggest to me that a life of sobriety would serve you far, far better than what you're doing right now.

Why have you failed in the past? Unsure but here are some questions;

1 - what have you done to support your sobriety beyond saying to yourself "I'm going to try to stop drinking"
2 - are you attending AA? Have you considered it?
3 - Have you explored - honestly and deeply - what drinking has done for you in life to date (the positives, the negatives?)
4 - When you look within.... do you already KNOW that alcohol is gradually eating away at your life and that - when you're 100% honest - it's only going to continue to get worse?

You've come to a great source of support, and I wish you the best in staying sober today and honoring this commitment to choose sobriety at least for this weekend.

Oldselfagain

Great post Jessicacat. I know when I've removed alcohol from my equation (life) everything else got much better. I've had a bunch of fits and starts with sobriety, falling off the wagon, getting back on....repeat cycle. The important thing is I kept trying and got up everytime I got knocked down. I finally feel my sobriety is here to stay.

jdooner

Jessicacat - I was similar. I used to rationalize how I had everything together based on how in shape I was. I mean I could never be an alcoholic or an addict if I had less than 15% body fat, right? Or if I had a great job, blah blah blah. In fact, I would always do things backwards, I would try to fix everything about my body but not my mind.

My experience and belief is you cannot have recovery without sobriety but you can have sobriety without recovery. The first few weeks, actually couple months are all about getting over the physical challenge of staying sober. This include physical dependence, which takes days to a couple weeks, as well as stabilizing sugar intake - months.

If your like me the alcohol is merely a symptom of bigger issues. I used it as a coping mechanism for years and years, so removing the alcohol, actually made it clear how unmanageable my life had become. This makes it doubly hard to stay sober bc your mind it telling you drink, you will be happier.

I have been lucky enough to make it through these challenges and am entering a state of serenity and acceptance, which feels better than I have felt before. I still have life's problems thrown at me so its not all roses but I am starting to deal with things and become the man I was meant to be. None of this is possible without first getting sober.

Alcohol and drugs are a spell designed to keep you down. Recovery is all about self empowerment through awareness. This site is a great tool, welcome and good luck.

Lifewillgetbet

I think that is every realistic. One goal at a time. My Doctor often asks me "you quit smoking yet"? Jeez 1 thing at a time here.

IOAA2

Hi Jess. When I first tried to stop I also had maddening situations of drinking. I complicated almost everything and did not accept the FACT that I could not drink in safety.
People said the truth, like I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be sober. As it always does with alcoholics who don't stop it gets worse quite fast at times.
Many finally just surrender and leave the pain behind without forgetting how bad it got.

BE WELL

FreeOwl

yep!! ^ what jdooner said!!

Jessicacat1

Thanks all! That really helps me to keep what I am doing in perspective.
Oddly enough, during the few weeks where I would stop drinking, my physical strength, performance in the gym increase massively- my trainer would laugh and say 'what was I taking?' and the answer was that I was giving my body the opportunity to function with the right fuel going in to it.

Then, for whatever reason, I would think 'oh just a few glasses of wine- I've worked so hard in the gym recently' and BANG! Straight from extreme high to rock bottom.

As I progress I need to spend time each day reflecting on where I am and how I feel. I haven't done that before. Sound so silly, but I can be impulsive and not think it through. So I need to address that every day I think.

adee

I get this. I look back on years of failed attempts and one of the big things that stands out is that I almost always make quitting drinking part of some grander plan. And fitness is just one part of the plan - I'm not only going to quit drinking and get fitter, I'm also going to turn into (some tolerable version of) martha stewarrt - cooking meals, organizing closets AND I'm going to become a model work citizen AND a better parent AND AND AND. When I fail on the grand plan, welp since drinking was just part of that plan, it's easy to go back. All or nothing indeed.

This time I said: stop drinking only. The other chips are going to fall as they may. Stopping drinking will highlight areas where I need to get my stuff in order, but I'm giving myself permission to continue to be mediocre in all of those areas for as long as it takes to stabilize in not drinking and then I will start to do my life cleanup.

It is kind of hard, actually. All or nothing people want everything solved RIGHT NOW. But I think part of this process is allowing life to be uncomfortable and messy and not exactly as we wish it was without picking up a drink to escape that fact.

Hang in there and well done on day 4!

FreeOwl

don't feel too bad.... I was at the fittest and most energy-filled of my entire life when, at 40, I quit drinking for nearly 6 months and channeled my addiction into fitness instead of a bottle. Then, I was like "well hey... OBVIOUSLY I don't have a problem" and went back to drinking because, you know, I GOT THIS.

For a year and a half I told myself my lousy workouts were because I hadn't slept well, I was stressed out, I wasn't on the right program, I needed supplements, I was just getting older.... blah blah blah.

Now I'm on day 20 and already I have way more energy, strength, clarity, joy, and motivation. Also; I've lost 10 lbs and feeling better every day.

It's amazing how well we can lie to ourselves, innit?

Also; you haven't failed if you're still breathing.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

TucTee

Check out the big exercise thread somewhere on the first or second page. That may be a source of inspiration going forward.

DoPerdition

During my heaviest drinking days I was in the best shape. Partly because I was also working 16 hour days and partly because I would drink instead of eating. But man did I look great!

I ended up in the hospital for a week with an infection that nearly killed me because my immune system was completely shot. I was also starving and down to a weight I could not even believe when they told me. They actually gave me a room in the pediatric ward because I was so frightened and small looking.

I lied about my drinking then and it probably made my healing process take three times as long.

But MAN did I look good.