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Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Old 01-16-2014, 08:45 AM
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Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Hello SR:

I have contemplated joining the group for a while as my thought was "I can control" anything that comes my way.

Well I am here because I am out of control and have been for a long time. I woke up, again, today and feel horrible. Like the title says, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of feeling horrible. I am tired of my brain soaking in drink. I am tired of not giving my family the attention they need. I am tired of the money loss. I am tired of hiding the empties in the garage (I don't drink in the house / never have) I am tired.

My wife has been expressing her disdain to me for being constantly late from work (knowing I have been at the bar) so I upped the ante and now I started leaving work early (a couple of times a week) so I can get my drinking on and still not be too late to get home and eventually end up in the garage claiming I have to work on something. I am not its only a cover to keep drinking. I wait for everyone to go to bed so I don't have to talk to anyone so I can avoid anyone knowing I am in bad shape.

I am tired of lying and cheating my kids out of the father they need, my wife out of the husband she needs and I am tired of cheating my work out of there employee (been there 21 years) that I hope they need.

My problem is, I am in a profession that surrounds itself with alcohol. My friends (all from childhood) are all drinkers. Everything in my life revolves around alcohol (beer mainly for me.) I am not making excuses, but it doesn't make stopping any easier. But at this point I am ready. I am sure I am not new in that over the last two or three months I have thrown out as much alcohol as I have bought. My old theory of "never again!" and the next day stopping off for more.

This monkey on my back has ran its course and I want it gone like nothing I have wanted in my entire life.

I hope that I am not offending anyone when I say I don't want to place myself in the mindset that I am hopeless to this. I want to be victorious. I want to fight like I am a rabid dog backed in a corner. But in the same breath I am hopeless at this stage or I wouldn't be here looking for support and help.

everyday I come home my kids greet me with a smile and a hug. It makes me want to cry like a baby that me, their father, is killing himself slowly one mug / bottle / can at a time.

I want a life free from alcohol because the last 20 years (on and off) have not been.

I am sure my story is like many others, but I have to start somewhere, today. Today has to be the day

Thanks for hearing me out.

Charlie
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Old 01-16-2014, 08:52 AM
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Welcome. I hope you can find some support here. Just look around at the options xxxxx
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:00 AM
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Welcome. You sound like you are at the point that I was and our schedule sounds the same and actually the same as many on here. the cycle of being sick, so let's drink to take the edge off, start the day, then it wears out so quickly and you need more. Rinse and repeat. When I was a light drinker, a glass or two of wine would energize me and make me motivated to clean. But it's progressive. By the end of it, alcohol robbed me of all my energy, stole me from my family and I was obsessed with excuses. Like you, I was always going to the garage because my car had become my bar area. Everyone was on to me and I stopped being good at hiding. Who can successfully hide piles and piles of pints, especially while half in the bag. I began getting sloppy and hiding them in the most obvious spots. The child in me would know(when sober) that if I was a snooping kid which I once was, that's the first place i'd look.

well I began to take both keys to our one car and hide them in on my person. they usually hung near the door. That way if someone suddenly needed the car of the three drivers in the house, I would have time to clear my stash out or at least spot check the car. And then suddenly the keys would appear on on the counter. I used to go out to the vehicle for a swig or three whenever things got tough or even when they didn't. I spent so much time saying crap about forgetting my purse in the car, forgetting my grocery bag, forgetting my scarf. The list goes on and on. While I think they caught onto a lot even to the point of checking the garbage bags which is why I became a gas station dumper, I can honestly say that no one caught on to the car ********.

When I think back and when you think back, you'll realize how pathetic we all were. I have not been as productive as I've been this week in I don't know how long.
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Charlie117926 View Post
Hello SR:

I have contemplated joining the group for a while as my thought was "I can control" anything that comes my way.

Well I am here because I am out of control and have been for a long time. I woke up, again, today and feel horrible. Like the title says, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of feeling horrible. I am tired of my brain soaking in drink. I am tired of not giving my family the attention they need. I am tired of the money loss. I am tired of hiding the empties in the garage (I don't drink in the house / never have) I am tired.

My wife has been expressing her disdain to me for being constantly late from work (knowing I have been at the bar) so I upped the ante and now I started leaving work early (a couple of times a week) so I can get my drinking on and still not be too late to get home and eventually end up in the garage claiming I have to work on something. I am not its only a cover to keep drinking. I wait for everyone to go to bed so I don't have to talk to anyone so I can avoid anyone knowing I am in bad shape.

I am tired of lying and cheating my kids out of the father they need, my wife out of the husband she needs and I am tired of cheating my work out of there employee (been there 21 years) that I hope they need.

My problem is, I am in a profession that surrounds itself with alcohol. My friends (all from childhood) are all drinkers. Everything in my life revolves around alcohol (beer mainly for me.) I am not making excuses, but it doesn't make stopping any easier. But at this point I am ready. I am sure I am not new in that over the last two or three months I have thrown out as much alcohol as I have bought. My old theory of "never again!" and the next day stopping off for more.

This monkey on my back has ran its course and I want it gone like nothing I have wanted in my entire life.

I hope that I am not offending anyone when I say I don't want to place myself in the mindset that I am hopeless to this. I want to be victorious. I want to fight like I am a rabid dog backed in a corner. But in the same breath I am hopeless at this stage or I wouldn't be here looking for support and help.

everyday I come home my kids greet me with a smile and a hug. It makes me want to cry like a baby that me, their father, is killing himself slowly one mug / bottle / can at a time.

I want a life free from alcohol because the last 20 years (on and off) have not been.

I am sure my story is like many others, but I have to start somewhere, today. Today has to be the day

Thanks for hearing me out.

Charlie
Hello Charlie,

Make today the day.

My story was much the same as yours. I worked too worked in a profession that alcohol played a huge part. I never realized that I could have done similar work in a different field where it would not have been so prevalent. Perhaps, because I liked it. Does this resonate with you? In the end it is not a profitable career at all. Use the time to search out other avenues and always know that we are here for you. Your new non-drinking friends.

Kris
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:14 AM
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Welcome to SR from a fellow Buckeye. You've made a smart decision to stop drinking. I hope we can help you do just that!
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:25 AM
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Thanks to all for the responses. I am making today the day.

And to "letsjusttrythis123", your right all of it is pathetic. Not to mention shameful

Thank you Least, Kris and Kate very much. I will post progress of my Journey
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:31 AM
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You can do this Charlie!!!! I can totally relate to your post and certainly working in an environment surrounded by alcohol. We have bottles of everything you can name here in the office and it was a big struggle for me around 4-5pm every day. I had to make some new changes to distract myself around those times....often now I'll make a cup of coffee or open a soda near the end of the day or walk to Starbucks and treat myself to a specialized coffee. Find something to change that daily routine if you can. Shoot, just rushing home to your wife and little ones as quick as you can might help...I love coming home and seeing my boy with a clear head every day. There's nothing like seeing the excitement on his face when I walk in the house after work. You don't have to be sick from drink again! Today can be the start of a new life friend.
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Old 01-16-2014, 09:40 AM
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you CAN do this... and congratulations to you for coming to this place of action and resolve.

Also; thank you for reminding me why I choose sobriety and helping me stay sober today.

Like you - my work is surrounded by, celebrates and is thoroughly soaked in booze. Most of my friends are drinkers and I live in a part of the country where drinking is the established pastime and accompaniment to... well, everything.

What I have learned is that those who really care about you will support you. Those who are really only with you because you reflect the habits they themselves want to protect and not take a hard look at may fade away... but you won't really miss them because those really aren't true friendships anyway.

Though it will be scary at first - nothing about work really REQUIRES boozing. That's an illusion and you will find that your profession will only gain from your sobriety. After you get over the anxiety of it, you'll find that for the most part, nobody will really care whether you drink and the ones that do will be the ones who themselves have a troubled relationship with alcohol.

There is nothing more important than your health and your family and what you do with your limited blessing of time on this earth.... it sounds to me in your words like you know this. Take the first steps... then keep taking the next right step.

You will find that choosing sobriety will be far greater and more joyous than any bender you've ever been on, any buzz you've ever gotten from a chemical and certainly far and away better than guilt and shame and hangovers and physical impairment.

YOU GOT THIS!

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Old 01-16-2014, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Charlie117926 View Post
Hello SR:

I have contemplated joining the group for a while as my thought was "I can control" anything that comes my way.

Well I am here because I am out of control and have been for a long time. I woke up, again, today and feel horrible. Like the title says, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of feeling horrible. I am tired of my brain soaking in drink. I am tired of not giving my family the attention they need. I am tired of the money loss. I am tired of hiding the empties in the garage (I don't drink in the house / never have) I am tired.

Charlie
Hi Charlie welcome to the reality of where we are and finally what's going on. Many reject the idea of how to get sober as we usually want the softer easier style which will be a repeat of the same old same old. That can be a detox and or a rehab which many will say "I'm not that bad." Well how bad do we need to be, dead?
I'd seek some competent medical help and be honest which isn't a strength of a lot of us.
Spending time reading these pages and getting help From AA meetingS is a good start on the road to sobriety. A lot of what I post I rejected when I went to my first meetings so I learned the hard way. It was said we can do it the easier way or the harder way which often ends with death. At this point we have a choice.

BE WELL
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:26 AM
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Thanks all for the kind words and support. I must admit that just posting my story (a very small portion of my poor behavior) I feel like a weight has lifted as I was actually honest for once about my drinking.

For over 20 years (on and off) I have been lying and manipulating to cover for my "closest friend" (alcohol.) And for what? Absolutely nothing!

It's as almost as I am having a moment of clarity today that I have not had before. I just feel so repulsed by the constant "wash, rinse, repeat" as this site puts it, that I have been doing for so long.

Looking back I cannot think of one instance that my drinking made my life better or enhanced any moment of anything I was doing while drinking.

Right now, I have this feeling of great anger (not an angry drunk), shame and disgust for myself. I have been reading this site and thinking about my own life and all of the time wasted. I just sit here and think Why? Why do I get drunk? why am I always drunk? Why does everything revolve around my drinking? Why can't I be the one or two only beer guy? Why in the hell did it take so long to come to this conclusion?

I am a pretty even keel guy, but I have to be honest, I am furious at myself.
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:35 AM
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channel that anger toward "Slick" - your addiction - not yourself.

Otherwise, he'll use it against you eventually, convincing you "screw it... you suck anyway. May as well drink".

Remind yourself that it's not actually YOU. YOU are that person inside who is able to observe these honest truths about where you are and have been and voice a desire to change.

HONOR YOU... CONGRATULATE YOU..... and let Slick go pout in the corner because YOU know there is a better way, a more joyous life, a more self-honoring path and a far more rewarding journey.
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Old 01-16-2014, 11:39 AM
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Hello, Charlie, Welcome...

Fighting Like a Rabid Dog may not be NEAR as Effective as SURRENDER...
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Old 01-16-2014, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
channel that anger toward "Slick" - your addiction - not yourself.

Otherwise, he'll use it against you eventually, convincing you "screw it... you suck anyway. May as well drink".

Remind yourself that it's not actually YOU. YOU are that person inside who is able to observe these honest truths about where you are and have been and voice a desire to change.

HONOR YOU... CONGRATULATE YOU..... and let Slick go pout in the corner because YOU know there is a better way, a more joyous life, a more self-honoring path and a far more rewarding journey.
Good post. "Slick" is that AV the beast inside of you, the animal part of you. You are human, you are smarter than Slick. Slick needs you to survive, but you don't need Slick. Good luck!
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Old 01-16-2014, 02:27 PM
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My profession also completely involves alcohol. It's everywhere.
I always though it was an inevitable part of the act.
Also the fact that there is such a history in my family made me believe that I was destined to be ruled by booze, and I would probably die from it like family members, best friends, and heroes had.
The reality is that's all crap. You don't have to be ruled by it.
You have to get the strength together to make the decision to free yourself from it.
Many people here say once you clear that first hurdle, you begin to see that you really do not have to drink, and things get better.
I'm starting to see the results of my new found freedom and you can too.

Get whatever help you need to achieve your goal, you'll see it is very much worth it.
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Old 01-16-2014, 02:47 PM
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Hi and welcome Charlie

My life and career revolved around alcohol too - I had to make a lot of changes - but I wanted to change.

I wanted to stop being ashamed of the hungover sad face I saw in the mirror.
It's been nearly 7 years now. Life is good - and so am I

You'll find a lot of support here - welcome
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Old 01-16-2014, 05:25 PM
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Thanks Dee

I have a lot of changes changes coming. Already started them today in removing any and all items related to booze from my property. I poured out, dumped out, tore down. You name it i did it when I got home from work. I am so sick of being miserable to me and everyone else in my life.
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Old 01-16-2014, 06:39 PM
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Welcome, Charlie. You mentioned covering for your "best friend" - the day I decided to quit I realized that alcohol was playing the role of a relationship, a bad, abusive relationship. Thinking of it in those terms empowers me and has helped to get me to 3 months of sobriety. I can't say it's been completely easy, but I can tell you that I feel like a new person, a good person, a worthy person and you will too. Wait until you start dreaming again (who knew!??)! SR is here for you! In my experience, you'll be hard-pressed to find a more supportive, compassionate, understanding, smart group of people.
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Old 01-16-2014, 07:23 PM
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Welcome Charlie - I'm so glad you found us. Being here will help ease your anxiety - you're among people who truly understand what you've been through.

You sound motivated and determined to begin your new life. I don't think you should belittle yourself for not doing this earlier (I was in my 50's). You are taking action now & that's what counts. Some never realize that drinking is sucking the life out of them. Be proud of yourself and keep posting.
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Old 01-17-2014, 06:36 AM
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Good morning Charlie,

Look at the sunshine in today. Be well my friend.
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