My husband punished me for drinking
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Did your actions hurt your husband? Yes. Was it forseeable? Yes. Was your sole intention in taking those actions, to HURT him? NO.
You took accountability. He heard you out, accepted your apology, and chose to stay. What he did from there was purely out of spite.
Causing INTENTIONAL harm (even if it is through ambivilance) to your partner and excusing your actions by claiming they "deserve it"- is not only WRONG, it's ABSOLUTELY WRONG to do to someone who's a survivor of childhood trauma.
I choose NOT to believe that he is devious enough and mean spirited enough to understand the gravity of his behavior. I assume this was totally out of character for him, which means something is broken. I hope he seeks out some professional support. Because, IMO it's needed.
I understand it's extremely hard to be the partner of an alcoholic- especially one suffering with PTSD (ask my husband!). But, we say "I do" for better or worse. Unless they're prepared to leave, they have to accept the fact that they are- by their OWN volition- with a partner who may always have special needs. It's going to take extra effort, on both sides. But, there is NO excuse for being intentionally cruel. No one "deserves" that, even if they are an alcoholic. JMHO
You took accountability. He heard you out, accepted your apology, and chose to stay. What he did from there was purely out of spite.
Causing INTENTIONAL harm (even if it is through ambivilance) to your partner and excusing your actions by claiming they "deserve it"- is not only WRONG, it's ABSOLUTELY WRONG to do to someone who's a survivor of childhood trauma.
I choose NOT to believe that he is devious enough and mean spirited enough to understand the gravity of his behavior. I assume this was totally out of character for him, which means something is broken. I hope he seeks out some professional support. Because, IMO it's needed.
I understand it's extremely hard to be the partner of an alcoholic- especially one suffering with PTSD (ask my husband!). But, we say "I do" for better or worse. Unless they're prepared to leave, they have to accept the fact that they are- by their OWN volition- with a partner who may always have special needs. It's going to take extra effort, on both sides. But, there is NO excuse for being intentionally cruel. No one "deserves" that, even if they are an alcoholic. JMHO
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Anchorbird, do your terrors come more or less frequently when you drink? I am sorry that you went through this. It is painful not to get comfort when we most need it.
I have been on both sides of this fence. Feeling horrific anxiety from my own withdrawal and needing comfort and alternately dealing with my husband going through whatever his withdrawals are.
I have over time built up a huge well of anger and numbness over my husband's continued drinking and drugging. When he recently told me that he thought he had a seizure while withdrawing he wasn't happy with my response of "oh" and let me know he was disappointed. I asked him what he thought I could do about it now, after it happened? He was hurting after a marathon binge and wanted TLC and I was hurting that he was doing this again and his pain was certainly self inflicted.
I guess my point is that if your husband is associating your drinking with these night terrors then he would think that you wouldn't drink for fear of triggering a night terror. You drank and he might be fearful/angry/tired of dealing with the consequences of your drinking.
It doesn't make what he did less painful to you but he is probably also in pain. I would talk to him about how you felt when he didn't comfort you and help you through and ask him how he felt and why he did what he did. I hope that you are feeling better now.
I have been on both sides of this fence. Feeling horrific anxiety from my own withdrawal and needing comfort and alternately dealing with my husband going through whatever his withdrawals are.
I have over time built up a huge well of anger and numbness over my husband's continued drinking and drugging. When he recently told me that he thought he had a seizure while withdrawing he wasn't happy with my response of "oh" and let me know he was disappointed. I asked him what he thought I could do about it now, after it happened? He was hurting after a marathon binge and wanted TLC and I was hurting that he was doing this again and his pain was certainly self inflicted.
I guess my point is that if your husband is associating your drinking with these night terrors then he would think that you wouldn't drink for fear of triggering a night terror. You drank and he might be fearful/angry/tired of dealing with the consequences of your drinking.
It doesn't make what he did less painful to you but he is probably also in pain. I would talk to him about how you felt when he didn't comfort you and help you through and ask him how he felt and why he did what he did. I hope that you are feeling better now.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by EverySngleNight 
Did your actions hurt your husband? Yes. Was it forseeable? Yes. Was your sole intention in taking those actions, to HURT him? NO.
You took accountability. He heard you out, accepted your apology, and chose to stay. What he did from there was purely out of spite.
Causing INTENTIONAL harm (even if it is through ambivilance) to your partner and excusing your actions by claiming they "deserve it"- is not only WRONG, it's ABSOLUTELY WRONG to do to someone who's a survivor of childhood trauma.
I choose NOT to believe that he is devious enough and mean spirited enough to understand the gravity of his behavior. I assume this was totally out of character for him, which means something is broken. I hope he seeks out some professional support. Because, IMO it's needed.
I understand it's extremely hard to be the partner of an alcoholic- especially one suffering with PTSD (ask my husband!). But, we say "I do" for better or worse. Unless they're prepared to leave, they have to accept the fact that they are- by their OWN volition- with a partner who may always have special needs. It's going to take extra effort, on both sides. But, there is NO excuse for being intentionally cruel. No one "deserves" that, even if they are an alcoholic. JMHO
You took accountability. He heard you out, accepted your apology, and chose to stay. What he did from there was purely out of spite.
Causing INTENTIONAL harm (even if it is through ambivilance) to your partner and excusing your actions by claiming they "deserve it"- is not only WRONG, it's ABSOLUTELY WRONG to do to someone who's a survivor of childhood trauma.
I choose NOT to believe that he is devious enough and mean spirited enough to understand the gravity of his behavior. I assume this was totally out of character for him, which means something is broken. I hope he seeks out some professional support. Because, IMO it's needed.
I understand it's extremely hard to be the partner of an alcoholic- especially one suffering with PTSD (ask my husband!). But, we say "I do" for better or worse. Unless they're prepared to leave, they have to accept the fact that they are- by their OWN volition- with a partner who may always have special needs. It's going to take extra effort, on both sides. But, there is NO excuse for being intentionally cruel. No one "deserves" that, even if they are an alcoholic. JMHO
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Time to put my big girl pants on and start showing him that I can and will change.
I'm sorry you were hurt.
D
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by anchorbird
Thank you everyone for your responses. I know he is disappointed and hurt, I guess I just never thought he would hurt me like that.
Time to put my big girl pants on and start showing him that I can and will change.
Time to put my big girl pants on and start showing him that I can and will change.
That's the spirit.I am an alcoholic but I also have been in your husband's shoes and I can tell you that loving and living with an active alcoholic will make you crazy too. The same way an alcoholic will do and say messed up things when drunk, a codependent will act up unless they are working on themselves.
I would suggest that you read on the other side of the street on the Friends and Family board to see how affected we are by our loved one's alcoholism. You will also see that a lot of codies are as crazy if not crazier than their alcoholic loved ones. I know that I acted far worst (and I have the potential to act far worst) as a codependent than as an alcoholic.
Moving and and moving forward your plan is the best: show him by taking care of you and staying sober.
Rooting for both of ya
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Anchorbird, addiction is a terrible thing for all concerned. It is difficult to estimate the suffering others have done about us (I am an alcoholic). In my "I am human too!" (thanks KateL) moments, I get angry at things my bf of many years has done, and they WERE awful. But the only thing I can change today is me.
You say you never expected your husband to "hurt you in this way"; I wonder if he ever expected you to "hurt him in the way (you=the addict you) have"?
None of it is pretty; we addicts are very fortunate in that there is help. I think you are ready to do what is necessary. Hugs!
You say you never expected your husband to "hurt you in this way"; I wonder if he ever expected you to "hurt him in the way (you=the addict you) have"?
None of it is pretty; we addicts are very fortunate in that there is help. I think you are ready to do what is necessary. Hugs!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I don't at all like or endorse what your husband did.
With that, I turned a bright, loving and emotionally stable woman into a homicidal maniac during my three-year relapse. She hit me and threw things at me on a couple of occasions, and I did not attempt to stop her until it became dangerous.
Abiding by her request, I haven't had contact with her for almost three years, though I recently began making a financial amends, which she's accepted. Have no idea where she stands with me, though I did tell her I've been sober for about two-and-a-half years.
Not only do we write chapters in our own books that should never have been written, but we also write chapters in other people's history that are often written either under duress or without their consent.
The only way out for me is to stay sober. Time will take care of the rest.
With that, I turned a bright, loving and emotionally stable woman into a homicidal maniac during my three-year relapse. She hit me and threw things at me on a couple of occasions, and I did not attempt to stop her until it became dangerous.
Abiding by her request, I haven't had contact with her for almost three years, though I recently began making a financial amends, which she's accepted. Have no idea where she stands with me, though I did tell her I've been sober for about two-and-a-half years.
Not only do we write chapters in our own books that should never have been written, but we also write chapters in other people's history that are often written either under duress or without their consent.
The only way out for me is to stay sober. Time will take care of the rest.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
I found his actions to be over the top and needless but then again I'm the addict and not the person who had to experience the pain that was caused by my addiction. So I went in search of an opinion from someone who has had to put up with that pain for many years, my husband. I set up a hypothetical scenario using your situation and even he agreed that what he did was over the top. I think an animal that's gray and looks like a horse was referenced at one point.
Neither here nor there it sounds like he doesn't know how to verbalize his feelings so it's coming out in other ways. Do you guys communicate about this at all? It's so key. You being honest with him about how you feel can help to diminish resentments. Him doing the same with you will, well, hopefully put a kibosh on actions such as what happened when you had the night terrors.
Neither here nor there it sounds like he doesn't know how to verbalize his feelings so it's coming out in other ways. Do you guys communicate about this at all? It's so key. You being honest with him about how you feel can help to diminish resentments. Him doing the same with you will, well, hopefully put a kibosh on actions such as what happened when you had the night terrors.
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