Django

Ok first off apologies if some of it doesn't make sense,I'm pretty poor at explaining things!

It's now day 17 and I'm going well,almost too well.Saturday I will be going to watch some football which always involves drinking very early until I go to bed.My AV is trying to persuade me in drinking but I know full well what that leads to and I suppose that's progress in the way that I don't want to go down that road.In short I know I can go through the day without drinking as strange as it sounds right now to myself.

Plus I'm now getting to the point where I can see myself not drinking in situations where I would,but it scares me because i can see myself being happy in these situations and happy in general!

Has anybody had these feelings of being scared of being happy?I don't get it at all.

caboblanco

I get feeling you don't deserve it if thats what you mean

Django

Yeah I get what you mean.Its as if I'm embarrassed to be happy,or think I shouldn't be happy in general,can't get my head around it.

desertsweetpea

I feel that way often. For me the fear is feeling happiness and having it ripped away. The pessimist in me says "why allow yourself this happiness? It will never last." These are the kind of thoughts that get me into trouble.

cc64

I get this way in the grocery store...I walk by the beer and wine section and purposely make myself look the other direction because I KNOW I can talk myself in to drinking because that what this disease does. I'm 21 days sober and I know that I cannot subject myself to ANY drinking situations because I know the disease will try and convince me that it's okay.

KateL

You deserve to be happy but perhaps it's something you are not used to, so the unfamiliarity freaks you out. You are doing brilliantly, so chin up, don't worry, be happy, dooo dooo dooo dooo doo dooo doo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo xxxx

doggonecarl

Seventeen days is awesome. It's also early in recovery. Too early to reap all the benefits of sobriety, like being happy without drinking. It will come, with time and continued sobriety.

I don't know what your football plans entail, but if they are going out somewhere where there will be alcohol, consider staying home, staying sober.

Ethos23

I think that is one of the big issues a lot of us struggle with - that being, not feeling worthy of love, especially our own. You have to take it a step at a time. It really is true, you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself first. My bit of advice on the football would be this: Tread Lightly! I am newly sober too (on Day 15). I have looked at social events into the summer and am picking and choosing what I will attend because I don't want any of them to be a trigger for me. In my personal experience, I have noticed that I can do something social that involves drinking and not drink, but it will trigger me to drink days after. I start to feel resentful that everyone there was drinking normally and I wasn't, so I go and drink in an attempt to try to prove to myself that I can handle it (which I know I can't). Just my personal opinion, but if you want to get sober for the long haul, you may want to skip out on such events and, in turn, show yourself some love.

Django

Thanks for the replies. To be honest i'm confident about going to football without drinking, although my AV is telling me otherwise i know that if i take one sip then i'm:
1. Back to square one
2. By the time its Saturday it would be 20 days and thats a huge success for me atm.
3. I know for a fact if i do drink it will result in a binge
There are a load more reasons but if i let the negatives through on why i shouldn't drink then i know i won't drink and at the moment thats working.

The problem i'm having is the feeling of happiness. I'm really struggling to work out why i'm scared to be happy. Maybe its because i've never been TRULY happy, or my minds putting a block on because its imagining life without alcohol for the first time?Its hard to work out thats for sure.

FreeOwl

emotions in recovery do all sorts of strange things, I've found.

Keep at it, congrats on 17 days!

hypochondriac

I totally understand that, I was terrified of happiness too. Still am a bit so I have to watch myself that I am not self sabotaging. One theory I have is that the fear is just my AV. I have always really in a way been addicted to pain and misery because it fuels my addiction to alcohol, it gives me a justification to drink. I have to watch my thoughts all the time because I always tend towards the negative and that tendency has underpinned my addiction for years x

Ruby2

Ditto what KateL said about the unfamiliarity of feeling happy and being freaked out by it. I've been there. I still struggle with this and the angst of "is this all there is?" But for me, all this is still better sober than drunk.

Stop by the weekenders thread for support since you have the football games going on Saturday.

autan

Personally I would avoid any situation where you feel you may be under pressure to drink.

Django

I'm not tempted to drink and to be honest,although I booked holiday off work to get a bit of me time,I have to start living life and stop hiding away from every possible situation that I'm in which could end up in a situation where alcohol might be involved.

I'm just feeling a bit low with all this at the moment.

reflection

I get what you're saying, as well. Keep being curious about your feelings - they may get hard, but be open and honest with yourself. One thing that helped me to feel deserving is to think of things that make me happy - a little thing here, a little thing there, a little reminder to myself that I'm not bad or a bad person if I feel something. Day 17 is awesome!