1newcreation

Welcome to sobriety! It's gonna be tuf for a wk or so but you'll look back & be grateful you made right choice

James18

I'm O.K thanks Itchy, still hanging in there. I had a hairy moment when I called in for a drink while waiting for a train. I had a small beer, but managed to catch myself and didn't have any more. In a weird way I'm glad I had it; I was worried that the moment I got near alcohol I would wind up on another binge like usual. It didn't happen. So apart from that I'm doing OK. I only had it out if habit too.

Itchy

Oooh,
Glad you caught it! Now if you think you are back able to control it, which your comment about drinking a beer on day four of abstinence sounds like when I tried to convince myself it was OK, I didn't binge so I can have one a day to take the edge off in the evenings. I even limited it to one finger of B&B in a snifter which I loved, but would detest today.

James, sorry you are back to day one of no alcohol but so glad you are still here. I am not trying to beat you up bud, but very worried that you are planning a relapse very carefully ignoring warning signs. Having one and getting back on the wagon just once was a mistake for me too, and only that. Twice and even I knew I was fooling myself and going back. Within a week of feeling I could moderate I was back in prison once more. I broke out finally for the last time at age 58knowing there wasn't another year or two left for me to relapse.

Just think about this. Would a man just out of 10years in the penitentiary be in the habit of prison routine? Sure. Would he accidentally get back inside his cell from habit? From order to drinking there was how much time to catch it?

It took me years to get out of the self imposed sloe suicide of alcoholism. Sure the real world for both sobriety freedom and prison freedom feels strange at first. (I have been imprisoned by my alcohol abuse, never been in real prison, but I am guessing from the Shawshank Redemption movie, and the character that could not deal with freedom)
But in either case, with enough sober and free time under my belt, there is no accidentally forgetting out of habit to enter that Hell ever again.

Congrats on avoiding a binge.

This is for you:

josseh

I am on day 13, it slowly gets better, just stick with it dude!

James18

Thanks for the link Itchy. Don't worry, I'm under no illusions that I can handle it based on stopping at the one drink. I've been there, done that and bought the t-shirt (in fact, bought the whole damn factory!). That is a lesson (I hope) I've learned. I'm glad I caught it but I'm not gonna kid myself into thinking I can drink 'normally'.

ScottFromWI

Alcoholism is the original snake oil salesman. We set out to rid ourselves of it completely, yet it makes us think we are "glad" because we only had one.

You know exactly where this leads James, and if not please go back and read some of your previous posts.

James18

It won't be happening again, that game would not be one I'd expect to win. I know exactly where it leads.

Itchy

James just checking in with you. How are you doing today?

Itchy

Oh well,
Hope you are OK James.

James18

Hi Itchy, I'm OK. I had a bit of a relapse, but didn't drink myself half to death whichI suppose is something. On day 3 again

Dee74

Welcome back

any plans to do anything different this time James?

D

James18

I don't know Dee, It's the social aspect of it that I'm struggling with. I more or less decided to drink before I got all the "go on, have a drink...surely you can have one...?" stuff. I figured if I bought my own I could at least drink at my own speed and try and regulate it rather than have people handing it to me all day/night. I controlled it fairly well again but it wasn't easy. And annoyingly, someone had decided to go teetotal for a month for charity or something. Just like that, so easy...that kind of pissed me off.

Itchy

James,
Do you want to quit for good, or just taking breaks? It seems you really want sobriety at any cost except not drinking alcohol forever. Do you have AA in England? Of course! Do you have rehabs, yup! Group and individual counseling? Sure!

You'll do fine once you have more reasons to be sober, than reasons you have for drinking. Doesn't look like it yet. Relapsing after three to seven days over and over isn't quitting. And yes, it does suck that we're alcoholics, recovered like me or not. Being recovered does NOT mean I can control alcohol and moderate. It doesn't mean I would be able to ever go back to drinking. It DOES mean that I no longer crave alcohol, no longer want alcohol, no longer want the idiotic things we called social when in fact if viewed while sober are juvenile and boring at best, homicidal and repulsive at worst. I haven't had alcohol or tobacco for 3 1/3 years now because I choose not to. Trust me. You are talking one small beer then still counting. Then relapsing over and over saying it's OK because you are going to quit for a week or less immediately.

I am not judging, just telling you we all have been there. We are no different than you. I quit every morning for my last two years of heavy drinking 24/7drinking scotch in my coffee to avoid the shakes and pukes. I had to stop so I drank my first coffee without. Than felt so good about my small step I decided to reward my self with a double in my second coffee, sure I would quit on the morrow.

If God came down and said to me "Itch, ya done good! I will reward you with being a normal drinker again." I'd have to say thanks, but no thanks. I know what it tastes like, and that the so called social scene is a boring buncha drunks. I want to dive again, ski the Alps and Rockies again, hike glaciers again, and climb mountains and hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon again, and back up. I want to fly in a powered wing for the first time, and deep sea fish a lot more. Thanks God for the real things to do in the sun, and for sticking by me when I took that decades long detour thinking getting tipsy in dark places with more noise to cover up my ridiculous boring times that I thought were clever and exciting. But no, I have better things to do with my time and my money than to run around drunk, glazed, and loudly making an idiot of myself, as I exceeded my foolscap quota for this life and another.

I just don't think about it anymore. Except here. No escape clause from sobriety needed.

I really wish you the best James. Maybe you'll join us in giving yourself the best too.

newhope01

Sounds like we're in a similar spot with alcohol. I'm three days sober and am going to add on many more. This time because I actually want it and I am declaring my choice for an alcohol free life.

What I struggled with when I was drinking everyday was the idea that I felt like I was wasting an opportunity to get drunk. Drinks in the backyard with friends, wine at dinner, drinking wine while cooking, drinking wine while looking up recipes, drinking wine to wash the dishes, drinking wine to clean the kitchen, drinking wine to clean any part of the house, drinking wine before bed, drinking wine in the freezing garage in secret while everyone else was socializing... Yeah, there were a lot of opportunities I missed out on by drinking wine.

You just have to stop romanticizing alcohol and view it for the poison that it is.

James18

I do want to stop but after a few days I think 'what harm will it do? So what if I have a drink?' But of course I cant have A drink. I did it again last night, now I'm overdrawn with the bank and have been throwing up all morning and can't keep any food down. I keep telling myself I need to stop and then doing the opposite, I feel like Dr. Jekyll constantly trying to keep Mr Hyde under control. I feel like I'm letting myself and the people who are supporting me on here down. I don't even like being drunk anymore, why do I keep doing it??

justinJustQuit

Because you're addicted. When I realized I was powerless over alcohol, I knew I needed a doctor. You can quit this if you really want to.

Itchy

James,
I had to get a jump start so I checked into a hospital in patient detox locked in for seven days with a follow on 28 day rehab. That put me completely detoxed. I really had had it. With the addiction? No the daily lying to me! I could not get a morning sober let alone a day. Yes, alcoholics ARE dying to quit. I wanted to live.

James, all it takes is deciding. Once I had that headstart I was free.

What I had been doing before was like a guy just out of a horrible prison, and finally free, decide to commit a crime to go back, where I was comfortable, and didn't have to think for myself, or solve any problems just eat, sleep and defecate. The rest optional.

My drinking days were a lot like that. Some people's bottom is farther down than mine. Realizing I was actually committing slow suicide woke me up and suddenly I got off my excuses and conditions, and yes, like you, my relentless self indulgence.

I hope your bottom isn't much farther down than mine. I almost killed myself! And I am not suicidal!

So we know you can't do it alone, and you keep doing what does not work for you over and over. Gee, kind of reminds me of . . . ME?

Isn't it about time to stop getting ready and start getting to it?

Imabuleva

I'm also on day 3.

I still have some insomnia with tossing and turning. But I no longer feel like my pancreas is eating itself from the inside out. I can even eat.

I don't know how many of these binges you've had, but my drinking career has progressed from daily drinking without a care to crazy binges with sober time in between after crippling withdrawals.

Not something I want to continue.